28 MORE O’ MY UNUSED JOKES FOR THE NITE SHOW:
- Rep. Larry Lockman spoke Thursday night at USM about “the failure of America’s ‘open border’ policy.” And, he left his dressing room a mess. But luckily, a few undocumented Mexican workers were nearby to clean it for cheap.
- My mom’s birthday is a week from today. And remember, what happens at my Mom’s birthday party stays at my Mom’s birthday party.
- Happy Birthday: Yoko Ono (84); Yoko celebrated by performing an art piece in Manhattan, where she screamed into a harp for an hour and then threw it to the floor. It’s said to be her best work.
- Bangor Symphony Orchestra is performing the music from Star Wars next weekend at the Collins Center for the Arts in Orono, and in a special ode to Steve Bannon, they will perform the Darth Vader theme twice.
- Major League Baseball is talking about a rule change, where in extra innings teams would start with a runner already on 2ndbase. And, if it gets to the 11th inning, the centerfielder will have to play while wearing the team’s mascot outfit.
- St. Louis University lost a tough game to St. Bonaventure last month, and when they went to get on their bus and head home, the bus was nowhere to be found. Turns out the bus driver – and the bus – were found, 40 miles from the arena, and the bus driver’s Blood Alcohol Level was 0.22, which is more than 5x the legal limit. In a stunning move, Trump has decided to make the driver Secretary of Transportation.
- This Day in History: Paul McCartney became a knight (1997); and little known fact, a year later he became a ninja.
- A man from Appleton, ME was crowned the champion of a show called “Alone” on the History Channel, earning him a $500,000 prize. He got home to find that his mother-in-law had moved in with his wife and kids. So, he called the History channel and asked, “Double or nothing?”
- MLB – spring training has begun! Sox played Northeastern on Thursday and played their first MLB games yesterday (Mets) and today (Twins). Pablo Sandoval came to Spring Training early and 40 lbs lighter. Experts say it might be as much as one full month until he gains it back.
- Bangor Symphony Orchestra is performing the music from Star Wars next weekend at the Collins Center for the Arts in Orono, in a special production called “The Return of Jar Jar.”
- America’s Mattress Race was held earlier today at Shawnee Peak in Bridgton, where mattresses of all sizes are used to slide down the mountain. I was there, in fact. Yup. Went with my wife and my 2 daughters. We brought the family couch!
- My father’s birthday is Thursday. It’s going to be quite a party—shhhh, don’t tell him—I’ve already hired the mimes!
CASHNAC THE MAGNIFICENT:
- ANSWER: Intern
QUESTION: Where does the minnow go?
- A: Disjoint
Q: What is now legal in Maine?
- A: Bernie Sanders
Q: Name a new pecan-flavored Girl Scout cookie.
- A: Inmate
Q: Name a place a husband goes with his wife.
- A: Jorge!
Q: What does a guy yell at a hooker who’s running away with his money?
- A: Tamiflu
Q: What did Tammy do on cold medicine?
- A: Send in the Clowns
Q: What happens at a press conference at the White House?
- A: Maybelline
Q: What does Mabel do when she’s tired?
- A: Where lucky old record albums wind up
Q: What is Vinal Haven?
- A: Squeal, cry, make mistakes
Q: Name 3 things Adele did at the Grammys.
- A: Kramer, Jerry, Elaine
Q: Name 3 people with better phones than George Hale
- A: Splotch
Q: What is the sound of Donald Trump getting into the bathtub?
- A: The White House
Q: What does Steve Bannon want to see inside the White House?
- A: Shake n Bake
Q: What did Maine stoners do when pot was legalized?
- A: Trains, planes and automobiles
Q: Name 3 places you can’t find an Amish person.
- A: Dodge ball
Q: What do wrestlers do?
20 MORE O’ MY UNUSED MONOLOGUE JOKES FOR THE NITE SHOW:
- In America’s commercial space business news, recently there was a successful rocket launch of the Space Ex Falcon 9 rocket, which carried 10 communication satellites into orbit. It’s rumored that 8 of the 10 are much-needed upgrades to Pokemon Go.
- We’re in Westbrook! Hello, Southern Maine! The Nite Show is finally broadcasting from Southern Maine! Ahhhhh, do you smell that? I can get a whiff of it from here. That Massachusetts air…
- And in America’s commercial space business news, recently there was a successful rocket launch of the Space Ex Falcon 9 rocket, which carried 10 communication satellites into orbit. It’s rumored that 8 of the 10 are much-needed upgrades to Pokemon Go.
- Valentine’s Day is Tuesday. Men across the nation are practicing their “sorry” face.
- Valentine’s Day was Tuesday. But men, don’t relax. Remember, you promised to go yarn shopping on Sunday.
- School Vacation week is upon us. And remember, kids, during vacation, do a lot of studying every night!
PORTLAND MAYOR STRIMLING JOKES:
- We better move this along, because right after this, Mayor Strimling has to go shoot a piece for Entertainment Tonight.
- Mayor Strimling has lost many times in his career, but one loss looms over the rest: When he lost the starring role on Baywatch.
- People ask, “How does Mayor Strimling keep his skin so sexy and soft?” I know him, and I know how. With a special sexy cream created by Governor Le Page called “No Apologies.”
- Everyone has an enemy. We’ve heard of all the foes that Mayor Strimling has had over the years—some truly scary adversaries! But none scarier, than his true arch rival… Fabio.
- I hear Mayor Strimling’s main goal is to become the host of that new game show with the falling ball.
- Everybody Wang Chung Tonight, everybody Strim Ling Tonight!
- Big snowfall earlier this week in most of Maine. It’s a very snowy February this year, forcing Mainers to dig themselves out—just like the Trump administration will have to do after the failed Muslim ban.
- The Winterkids Downhill 24 is being held this Friday at Sugarloaf – teams compete to see who can squeeze in the most runs within 24 hours. Not to be outdone, the local Taco Bell is holding a beurito-eating competition, where the winner squeezes in the most runs within 24 hours.
- A man from Appleton, ME was crowned the champion of a show called “Alone” on the History Channel, earning him a $500,000 prize. When asked how he was able to live alone for such a long time, he said that his mother-in-law was motivation to just keep going.
- “Fifty Shades Darker” premiered in theaters last weekend. And as a result, theater owners are complaining about having to buy more cleaning products.
- After a scuffle at a New York Knicks game last week that lead to his arrest, former Knick Charles Oakley has officially been banned from Madison Square Garden. He was later caught trying to get back in wearing a nun outfit.
- L.L. Bean is seemingly having tough times, having offered buyouts to employees, and is ending contributions to pension plans. But, anyone who stays with the company gets a free tote bag!
THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
- The first Church of Scientology was established (1954); on that infamous day, when the aliens visited diet author L. Ron Hubbard.
- Pope Francis questioned Donald Trump’s Christianity over concerns that he wanted to build a wall on the Mexican border (2016). But the Pope wasn’t worried about religious concerns, as much as he was worried about the expense for Americans and the ease of tunnels being built.
SOME OF MY UNUSED MONOLOGUE JOKES FOR THE NITE SHOW:
- It’s New Year’s Eve! The night when Kathy Griffin talks over Anderson Cooper all night!
- Yup. It’s New Year’s Eve across the globe and, wait… (listens) Yup! I hear it! Can you hear it?! The sound of Kim Jong Un’s ball dropping!
- Can you feel the Holiday Spirit in the air? Christmas carols, holiday-neutral carols…
- Donald Trump met with Al Gore to talk about climate change this past week, and Trump told Gore that he champions the climate, and however the climate can help the oil industry get more oil and transport it in pipelines, the more he loves the climate.
- Donald Trump has tweeted that Alec Baldwin’s impression of him on Saturday Night Live is horrible and the show isn’t funny – except for the one Trump hosted last year, which he says is “huuuge comedy genius.”
- Gov. LePage made news by sending letters to elected members of the legislature, saying that they should report for duty on Dec. 7 to start conducting the people’s business, even though he cannot attest to the accuracy of the election tabulations. He also sent them some lovely Christmas cards.
- The Red Sox have acquired controversial hothead pitcher Chris Sale, for 4 minor league players. And I figure, if being a hothead works for Trump, why not for Chris Sale?
- Kristen Stewart is in the new Rolling Stones video for “Ride ‘Em On Down,” driving a ’65 Mustang, doing a seductive dance. And, in a nod to the age of the Rolling Stone band members, there is a special cameo: also in the video, dancing sexily on a car hood, is Barbara Walters.
- Winnie’s Dairy Bar is returning in 79 Parsons Street in Presque Isle! Doors scheduled to open in February with a grand opening planned for April. And they’ve really gone overboard this time. A live cow has been installed behind the bar.
- Paris Hilton was doing a DJ gig in Miami and someone spilled vodka on her gear. She was NOT happy. Luckily, she had her new Chihuahua with her, and used it to soak up the spill.
- James Cordon has been announced as the host of the 2017 GRAMMY Awards on CBS, and in a nod to Carpool Karaoke, this year the GRAMMYs will be broadcast from a moving car.
- The creator of “Full House” bought the Full House house in San Francisco last month, reuniting many of the shows stars earlier this month on the steps of the iconic home. Then, they got out the tools, and the actors were forced to renovate it for free.
- Mountain Holly Days in Rangeley this weekend, with horse-drawn wagon rides, family activities, shopping and more! Come one come all and try the overflowing margarita-filled horse trough! Bob for limes!
- “Hairspray Live” aired Wednesday night on NBC. Scientists say, as a result, the ozone layer has thinned dramatically.
- Fogcutters had their annual Christmas Extravaganza at the State Theater in Portland earlier tonight. When asked how they put it all together so fast, the director said they just “put on their low beams” and took it one step at a time.
- We are doing our show at the Westbrook Performing Arts Center, taping Friday, January 27! I will be playing the role of Jorge, the sexy yet thwarted lover.
- NFL Ratings continue to stink. And even THAT has been blamed on Joe Buck.
- “America’s Next Top Model” premiered Monday night on VH1. President-Elect Trump has expressed interest in moving the event to the White House.
- This Day in History: The Houston Astrodome opened, and the first event was a concert with Judy Garland and the Supremes (1965); immediately followed by 52 consecutive years without a World Series win for the Astros.
- Most kids will delight in their presents, but there will also be those that are unhappy with some of their gifts. But, luckily, Donald Trump was very pleased with his gift this year… America.
- Ah, Christmas in Maine – a roaring fire, a warm, glowing tree, Christmas music playing, a wrapped bottle of Allens taped to a carton of cigarettes under the tree…
This Day in History (Dec. 25):
- John Wayne divorced his wife of 12 years (1945); due to an argument over the placing of tinsel on their tree.
- “The Godfather Part III” was released, starring Al Pacino and Diane Keaton (1990); I think this was the one where Marty had to take the Delorean back to save Doc in the Old West.
- Mikhail Gorbachev formally resigns as president of the USSR in a televised speech (1991); but that thing on his face stayed for another week.
- Paris Hilton vows to stop buying Chihuahuas.
- Kanye West vows to learn what “the 5th in the key of G” means.
- Donald Trump vows to let us see his taxes—wait, this just in, that’s his 2017 April Fools.
- Ball drop happening tonight in Downtown Bangor. But enough about Joe.
- This Day in History:“Match Game” debuted on NBC with host Gene Rayburn (1962); Back then, Gene was “back in 1 and 1.”
- Happy Birthday: Donald Trump Jr. (39); He celebrated by killing an endangered rhino.