Used & Unused Monologue Jokes for Nite Show Feb. 10. airing:

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Air Date: February 10 

– The reboot of “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” became available on NetFlix earlier this week. In the first episode, they help Steve Bannon shave and pick out drapes.

– “Fifty Shades Freed” – the final installment in the “Fifty Shades” series is in theaters Friday night. In this one, shades 100 to 150 will be explored. And as always, in Maine, complimentary cleaning materials will be given out with each ticket. Remember Maine, keep your 50 shades theater seating areas clean!

– “Fifty Shades Freed” – the final installment in the “Fifty Shades” series is in theaters Friday night. Local theaters remind us that it makes for a great family night out!

– moe. is performing at the State Theatre Friday and Saturday night, next weekend, in Portland. Opening for moe. will be the new band shemp.

– Series premiere of “Our Cartoon President” is tomorrow night, based on the Stephen Colbert cartoon version of President Trump. And for all Americans, “Our Cartoon President” is on TV every night!

– The Maine Home Show is this weekend at Portland’s Cross Insurance Arena. An award will be given out for the “Sexiest Cement Pour.”

– This month is Brunswick Longfellow Days honoring Henry Wadsworth Longfellow including a party with cake and a community poetry reading. Stephen King will give a respectful reading—dressed as a sewer clown.

– U.S. National Toboggan Championships are this weekend in Camden at the Snow Bowl with teams of four whizzing down a 400 foot long chute. Sounds like a couples night out with Brent and Linda, am I right?

This Day in History:

In 1979, “Do Ya Think I’m Sexy?” by Rod Stewart peaked at #1. But now it’s official! Rod Stewart has officially stopped asking if we think he’s sexy.

“Miami Vice” 100th episode seen on NBC (1989); in the episode, Crockett and Tubbs posed sexily with guns to loud synthesizers.

Kanye West released “The College Dropout” (2004); right before getting a degree in advanced astrophysics from Harvard.

In 2005, Charles, Prince of Wales, announced his engagement to Camilla Parker Bowles. At the star-studded event, celebratory eatin’-hay was placed around the room with a carrot for after.

In 2016, Chris Christie suspended his campaign, and added industrial strength suspenders to his pants.

all my shit yo

me winslow

 

 

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Unused Monologue Jokes for 1/31/18 Taping

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 Unused Monologue jokes for The Nite Show with Danny Cashman:

 

  1. Did anyone watch Trump’s State of the Union? However you feel about it, he did well in some aspects: He was able to keep his dentures firmly planted, and 2. his hair was especially full and golden. Word is, they got the guy who did Cher on board the makeup team.

 

  1. Did anyone watch Trump’s State of the Union? There were a few things he didn’t mention, like school shootings and Russia. But hey America, word is Putin gave the speech a big red thumbs up!

 

  1. Rumor is that John Kerry is going to run for President. The press is already hounding him, asking that if he’s running for office, why the long face?

 

  1. A Sacramento, California lawmaker is facing criticism for a bill that, if passed, would make it illegal for servers to offer plastic straws unless asked, punishable by up to 6 months in jail and a $1000 fine. And using a plastic stirrer for your coffee? Punishable by life.

 

  1. Elton John announced he’s retiring from touring after his next tour. Word is, his next big hit is coming out soon, and it’s called “Saturday Night’s Alright for Binging Dawson’s Creek.”

 

  1. Camden Winterfest is now through Tuesday with ice carvings, polar plunge and more! You know what I like to do at the annual Winterfest in Camden? I show up with snow cone syrup and go to town!

 

  1. Kitten Bowl starts at noon on Hallmark, and TLC has the Puppy Bowl, and over on E! is the Spoiled Rich Girl Purse-Dog Bowl.

 

  1. Truck Day for the Red Sox is Monday – the day after the Super Bowl. That’s the day when the truck full of Red Sox gear travels from Fenway Park to the Spring Training home of the Sox in Florida. But luckily it’ll be a much lighter load this year, without all of Pablo Sandoval’s sports-girdles. (Sports-spanks.)

 

  1. The Grammy’s were last weekend, on CBS. And once again at the Grammy’s, all Nanas were snubbed.

 

  1. Bangor Region Chamber of Commerce handed out annual awards last week. The most important was the Award For Best Pizza-Ordering.

 

  1. Bangor Region Chamber of Commerce handed out annual awards last week. The most important was the Award For The Most-Ignored Business!

 

  1. Bangor Region Chamber of Commerce handed out annual awards last week. The most important was the Award For Sexiest Zoning Ordinance.

 

  1. Vice President Joe Biden was in Portland Wednesday night at the Merrill Auditorium. A surprise of the night came when a laser light show began and Biden performed Eminem‘s latest album “Revival” in full.

 

  1. “Maine Examiner” website – posted as News website although without attribution regarding story authors, funders, or sources for stories. State Republican Party director Jason Savage’s name has been associated with a number of things on the website, although the party denies involvement. Vladimir Putin has been called to Maine to settle the dispute.

 

  1. Mid-Maine Chamber of commerce is hosting a business breakfast seminar on Thursday morning focusing on “Why Your Employees are Just Not Into You, and What to Do About It.” Hosting the seminar? Donald Trump.

 

  1. So… the former Jackman Town Manager has white separatist views and is mad at the media for exposing it. He’s also mad at the media for exposing that he’s fat and bald.

 

  1. “Calling All Cabernets” wine tasting was last night in Bar Harbor. Chardonnay drinkers picketed outside.

 

  1. Camden Winterfest is now through Tuesday with ice carvings, polar plunge and more! And for those men taking the polar plunge, there will be a special Shrinkage Contest at the Main Tent.

 

me winslow

old set – me yelling at Gov. Paul LePage

 

 

Band Names 1/4/2018

banned9

NEW BAND NAMES:

  1. The Donna Party
  2. Flat-Earthers In Space
  3. Penny’s From Heaven
  4. Unlock Your Hidden Vortex
  5. Con Stan & Opal
  6. Trig
  7. The Consecrationings
  8. Duh Meaner
  9. Mimosa ala Omarosa
  10. Tryptophantastic!

banned 5

see 84 more here

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Unused AND USED monologue jokes

Here are a few unused AND USED monologue jokes I wrote for “The Nite Show with Danny Cashman.”  Can you tell which are used or unused? Tune in tonight!

7:30 on WGME CBS 13 News, Portland
11:30 on WABI TV5/Bangor
10:30 on WPFO FOX23/Portland
12 midnight on WAGM-TV FOX 8/Presque Isleawesomenite

1. Tuesday is the day we find out if Roy Moore is elected to the US Senate in Alabama. But no matter what happens, at least we can all come together as Americans to say we’ve already elected Roy Moore in our hearts…

2. Tuesday is the day we find out if Roy Moore is elected to the US Senate in Alabama. Moore is saying that if he’s elected, he’s going to party all night with the local Girl Scout Troop.

3. Tuesday is the day we find out if Roy Moore is elected to the US Senate in Alabama. Psychiatrists warn that if he loses, he might wind up wearing his little cowboy outfit in the local sewer system.

4. As we know, Matt Lauer was fired from NBC’s Today Show & NBC News. It was discovered that he actually had a button under his desk that would lock the office door. But it is reported that Lauer never used the button when Al Roker was in there.

5. Gov. LePage is seeking a disaster declaration, and $4.7M from the feds to help pay for recovery from the wind storm in October. And as long as the Trump administration remembers that most people in Maine are white, chances are we’ll get our money.

6. Passenger Rail Service Planning “test runs” to Rockland this month, in direct response to Kim Jong Un’s latest missile launch.

7. Tuesday is the day we find out if Roy Moore is elected to the US Senate in Alabama. Roy said if he wins, he’ll be as giddy as a school girl!

8. Tuesday is the day we find out if Roy Moore is elected to the US Senate in Alabama, or will be on next year’s “Dancing With the Stars!”

9. Bangor Airport is seeing more than 500,000 passengers this year for the first time ever. And that’s just for the flights to Lewiston.

10. Ovation TV is airing its 11th annual “Battle of the Nutcrackers” starting Monday – a 5-day marathon of various productions of “The Nutcracker.” And some celebrities have signed on! One of the productions of “The Nutcracker” stars Louis CK, Matt Lauer, Al Franken, Charlie Rose, Garrison Keillor, Roger Ailes, Bill O’Reilly, Bill Clinton, and Bill Cosby. “The Nutcracker!”imageblog

11. The Patriots are tied for first in the AFC and on an 8-game win streak. The only deflated balls are now found on the opposing teams.

12. This Day in History: In 2008, Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich was arrested by the feds for a number of alleged crimes including attempting to sell the U.S. Senate seat opening vacated by President Barack Obama. And next year catch him on “Dancing With the Stars!”

13. Maine Secretary of State Matthew Dunlap is on Trump’s Voter Fraud Commission and is now suing the commission to find out what it’s doing, feeling he’s being left in the dark. He was last seen in a dark alley. No word yet.

14. Maine Secretary of State Matthew Dunlap is on Trump’s Voter Fraud Commission and is now suing the commission to find out what it’s doing, feeling he’s being left in the dark. (OUT OF THE SIDE OF YOUR MOUTH LIKE A SECRET): Little does he know there IS no Trump Voter Fraud Commission.

15. The Millinocket Marathon & Half were both held earlier today! I participated. But I could only do the Half.

16. This Day in History: In 2005, “Brokeback Mountain” was released in theaters. Little known fact: The original title of the film was “Not That There’s Anything Wrong With That” Mountain.

17. WWE Live at the Cross Insurance Arena in Portland tonight with their “holiday tour.” Watch, as Triple H takes a fully decorated Christmas tree with lights—and beats some guy to death.

18. Disney on Ice “Frozen” coming to Cross Insurance Arena in Portland this Wednesday. SING: “Do you really want to hear this song man?”

19. “Gotti” with John Travolta opened in theaters last night. “Gotti” is of course all about the enticing, magical world of Scientology.

20. “The Greatest Showman” the story of P.T. Barnum opens in theaters Wednesday night, starring Hugh Jackman, Zac Effron and Michelle Williams. But historians say that centuries from now, “The Greatest Showman” will refer to Donald Trump.

21. A guy went to a Waffle House in South Carolina and found the only employee there asleep. After waiting 10 minutes, he decided to hop behind the counter and make his own double Texas Bacon Cheese Steak Melt and chronical the activities on Facebook. He’s now the manager.

22. The Oak Ridge Boys are bringing their holiday tour to the Collins Center in Orono Tuesday night! But beware of catching or spreading the flu. Don’t attend if you have an (sing): “Elvirus” (ok kill me now)

23. The WWE Live at the Cross Insurance Arena is in Portland tonight with their “holiday tour”!!! Come watch, as Triple H beats a guy to death with a holiday fruit cake!

24. A guy went to a Waffle House in South Carolina and found the only employee there asleep. After waiting 10 minutes, he decided to hop behind the counter and make his own double Texas Bacon Cheese Steak Melt and chronical the activities on Facebook. He can now be seen on The Food Network in a new restaurant show called “Breakin’ & Enterin’!”

mecards2

200 band

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Band Names – Dec. 3, 2017

band names
Yo yo where they at?!

NEW BAND NAMES:

  1. The Problem Areas
  2. Bart Talk O’ Moose
  3. SamSingSangSung
  4. I fought the Lauer and… I won
  5. Kanga & Roo Court
  6. Yoozgenics
  7. Poke Iman
  8. Himpeach
  9. How Much Is That Kyle in the Window?
  10. Womenstruate

see 84 more here

all my shit yo

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