NEW BAND NAMES:
- The Plumb Bobs
- Yoko Oh No…
- Splitting Heirs
- Dislocation Dislocation Dislocation
- Hey Kids It’s a Fort Night
- Get Morty-fied!
- Shitty Shitty Gang Bang
- Glad ‘Dis
- We’re Like The Fonz If He Smoked
- Heterophobic!
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20 New Band Names – March 27, 2018
NEW BAND NAMES:
- The Extremely Fake Smiles
- Ass Fault
- Typhoid Lenny
- Hugh, Becky, Stan
- Erect Shun
- A Man Of “Let Her”s
- Jason & Al & Dean
- Under House Duress
- Cloudy With a Chance of Shut the Fuck Up
- Woemen
- The Decisionings
- Zendaya’s Gram
- Cock Pot
- Go – Nah Must Stay
- Sanctimonious Shitstorm
- Bond: Kyle Bond
- Meow Say Tongue
- Christ: Kyle Christ
- Oh Golly I Miss Molly (The Drug)
- Sacroskank
Used/Unused Monologue Jokes – Air Date 2/24/18
Air Date: February 24 (Jeff & Lou from the Q Morning Show / Heart Shaped Rock)
– Earlier this month, an adjunct professor was replaced at Southern New Hampshire University after giving a student a failing grade because she thought Australia was a country. The university apologized and fired the professor. In his defense, the professor said he didn’t think she said Australia, he thought she said Austria.
– Today is “World Sword Swallowers Day.” So I apologize if I’m a little hoarse during tonight’s monologue…
– Today is “World Sword Swallowers Day.” So if you notice gunk all over your sword, you’ll know why.
– We’re officially in Lent, which began about a week and a half ago. As you can clearly see, I’ve given up comedy for Lent.
– A Romanian University study shows that it is safe to eat half-day old snow, and even safer in the colder months. And they did the study in Brooklyn!
– “The Walking Dead” season 8 premieres tomorrow night at 9 on AMC. Also titled “The Walking Dead?” Bernie Sander’s new presidential campaign.
– Season 4 of “Gotham” premiered on FOX Thursday night at 8. In it, Congressman Bruce Poliquin made his acting debut as a new character called The Polipenguin.
– Natalie Portman’s big blockbuster “Annihilation” hit theaters last night. “Annihilation” is the story of what Congressman Bruce Poliquin’s DNA did to his height.
– Today is “Tortilla Chip Day” followed tomorrow by “Flavored-Chemical-Dust Day.”
– Tomorrow is “Girls in Sports Day” with a large focus on it at the University of Maine women’s basketball game against University at Albany. And leading a parade with a baton will be “America’s First Girl” – Richard Simmons!
– The Red Sox played their first Spring Training game of the season yesterday against the Twins. After the game, one of the backup catchers was elated because his average has never been as high as 250.
– The Red Sox played their first Spring Training game of the season yesterday against the Twins. David Price didn’t play, but is already on the disabled list until probably September.
– “Game Night” premiered in theaters last night – a thriller about a group of friends who meet routinely for game nights and realize the murder mystery game they are playing is actually for real, but the only way to get through it is to keep playing the game. Sounds like Yahtzee Night with Brent and Linda, am I right?
This Day in History:
In 2014, a 4.4 billion year old crystal is discovered to be the oldest known fragment from the Earth’s crust. But since then, scientists have learned it was just a ring lost by George Hale.
In 2014, a 4.4 billion year old crystal is discovered to be the oldest known fragment from the Earth’s crust. The second oldest known fragment is 3 billion years old. It’s part of a tie clip from Larry King.
In 1998, Elton John was knighted by Queen Elizabeth II at Buckingham Palace. Word is, he came away with a nasty case of “sword burn.”
Highest price ever paid for a pig – $42,500 – in Stamford, TX (1979); Word is, the pig had an agent.
Used & Unused Monologue Jokes, air date 2/17/18
The Nite Show with Danny Cashman, Air Date Feb. 17, 2018:
– Gov. LePage’s final State of the State Address was Tuesday night. Lepage said union dues is extortion money, and leads to robots being used in factories. He said he hasn’t used an ATM machine in 7 years, because he hates robots and doesn’t trust them. But, he admitted, he IS rather fond of that “BB8.”
– Lepage said he hates robots and doesn’t trust them. Especially that Nancy Pelosi.
LePage said he urges Congress not to throw old couples out of their homes, or give up on old couples when they keep making mistakes in their Dysarts commercial. (buttrary flakeful clucks.)
LePage said he won’t expand Medicaid unless he knows how they’ll pay for it. “Show me the money!” he said. And later, on the issue of prisons, he said “Release the Kracken!”
– LePage said that overall, Maine cities are more compassionate than Maine small towns. This turned the town of Alton into a war zone.
– Presidents Day is Monday. Word is, Trump has been given extra-strength orange carpet tape in case there’s a wind.
– The first full spring training team workout for the 2018 Boston Red Sox is Monday. David Price is expected to last about 2 hours into the workout before going back on the DL until September.
– The first full spring training team workout for the 2018 Boston Red Sox is Monday. John Farrell will celebrate at home by watching his “stories.”
– Oakhurst Dairy settled the “Oxford Comma debate,” about a very important coma in a contract with the drivers, who won the settlement with a $5 million dollar payout. And now, drivers for Hood ice cream are suing for 6 million dollars in a new huge “Gerund debate.” OR: “Semi-Colon debate.” “All-Caps debate.” “Caps-Lock debate.”
– Oakhurst Dairy settled the Oxford Comma debate – which was an overtime dispute with drivers due to an Oxford Comma in a contract. The settlement was a $5 million payout to the drivers. The comma is now officially known as the “Oakhurst Comma.”
– L.L. Bean has announced they will no longer honor the return policy they have held for more than 100 years. But employees are now required to model any clothing the purchaser chooses.
– Today is “Random Act of Kindness Day.” And if ya don’t like it, shut up and to hell with ya!
– Today is “Random Act of Kindness Day.” But don’t expect anything from Eagles fans.
– A man from Orrington says he fought off a black bear that attacked his puppy in the woods recently, partially by “sticking his finger in the bear’s eye.” In a related story, Steve Bannon has been spotted wearing an eyepatch.
– First week of the 2018 Winter Olympics are in the books from Pyong Chang, South Korea. Or as many call it, the “first week of no This Is Us.”
– First week of the 2018 Winter Olympics are in the books from Pyeong Chang, South Korea. The second week will take place in Wang Chung.
– Valentine’s Day was Wednesday. An’ allz I got was a rock…
Katahdin Area Winterfest started yesterday and runs all week. It kicked off with a snowmobile parade last night and a number of events today. And hey all boys, teen boys, and men – remember to take part in the artistic “Yellow Snow Contest!”
– North & South Korea shared a historic handshake at the Olympic games. Word is, Trump wished he would have been there to shake their hands and hold both hands for an uncomfortably long time.
– The 14th annual Chocolate Festival is being held tomorrow in Greenville. So hey ladies, if your man isn’t cuttin’ it lately, c’mon down to the Chocolate Festival!
– The Thompson Ice House Museum is holding their annual ice harvest starting tomorrow at 9 a.m. Now with Sno Cone syrup!
This Day in History:
In 1969, Bob Dylan and Johnny Cash record an album that was never released. And years later, the CD was also never released.
In 1969, Bob Dylan and Johnny Cash record an album that was never released. It was titled, “All About Oats.”
Used & Unused Monologue Jokes for Nite Show Feb. 10. airing:
Air Date: February 10
– The reboot of “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” became available on NetFlix earlier this week. In the first episode, they help Steve Bannon shave and pick out drapes.
– “Fifty Shades Freed” – the final installment in the “Fifty Shades” series is in theaters Friday night. In this one, shades 100 to 150 will be explored. And as always, in Maine, complimentary cleaning materials will be given out with each ticket. Remember Maine, keep your 50 shades theater seating areas clean!
– “Fifty Shades Freed” – the final installment in the “Fifty Shades” series is in theaters Friday night. Local theaters remind us that it makes for a great family night out!
– moe. is performing at the State Theatre Friday and Saturday night, next weekend, in Portland. Opening for moe. will be the new band shemp.
– Series premiere of “Our Cartoon President” is tomorrow night, based on the Stephen Colbert cartoon version of President Trump. And for all Americans, “Our Cartoon President” is on TV every night!
– The Maine Home Show is this weekend at Portland’s Cross Insurance Arena. An award will be given out for the “Sexiest Cement Pour.”
– This month is Brunswick Longfellow Days honoring Henry Wadsworth Longfellow including a party with cake and a community poetry reading. Stephen King will give a respectful reading—dressed as a sewer clown.
– U.S. National Toboggan Championships are this weekend in Camden at the Snow Bowl with teams of four whizzing down a 400 foot long chute. Sounds like a couples night out with Brent and Linda, am I right?
This Day in History:
In 1979, “Do Ya Think I’m Sexy?” by Rod Stewart peaked at #1. But now it’s official! Rod Stewart has officially stopped asking if we think he’s sexy.
“Miami Vice” 100th episode seen on NBC (1989); in the episode, Crockett and Tubbs posed sexily with guns to loud synthesizers.
Kanye West released “The College Dropout” (2004); right before getting a degree in advanced astrophysics from Harvard.
In 2005, Charles, Prince of Wales, announced his engagement to Camilla Parker Bowles. At the star-studded event, celebratory eatin’-hay was placed around the room with a carrot for after.
In 2016, Chris Christie suspended his campaign, and added industrial strength suspenders to his pants.
Unused Monologue Jokes for 1/31/18 Taping
Unused Monologue jokes for The Nite Show with Danny Cashman:
- Did anyone watch Trump’s State of the Union? However you feel about it, he did well in some aspects: He was able to keep his dentures firmly planted, and 2. his hair was especially full and golden. Word is, they got the guy who did Cher on board the makeup team.
- Did anyone watch Trump’s State of the Union? There were a few things he didn’t mention, like school shootings and Russia. But hey America, word is Putin gave the speech a big red thumbs up!
- Rumor is that John Kerry is going to run for President. The press is already hounding him, asking that if he’s running for office, why the long face?
- A Sacramento, California lawmaker is facing criticism for a bill that, if passed, would make it illegal for servers to offer plastic straws unless asked, punishable by up to 6 months in jail and a $1000 fine. And using a plastic stirrer for your coffee? Punishable by life.
- Elton John announced he’s retiring from touring after his next tour. Word is, his next big hit is coming out soon, and it’s called “Saturday Night’s Alright for Binging Dawson’s Creek.”
- Camden Winterfest is now through Tuesday with ice carvings, polar plunge and more! You know what I like to do at the annual Winterfest in Camden? I show up with snow cone syrup and go to town!
- Kitten Bowl starts at noon on Hallmark, and TLC has the Puppy Bowl, and over on E! is the Spoiled Rich Girl Purse-Dog Bowl.
- Truck Day for the Red Sox is Monday – the day after the Super Bowl. That’s the day when the truck full of Red Sox gear travels from Fenway Park to the Spring Training home of the Sox in Florida. But luckily it’ll be a much lighter load this year, without all of Pablo Sandoval’s sports-girdles. (Sports-spanks.)
- The Grammy’s were last weekend, on CBS. And once again at the Grammy’s, all Nanas were snubbed.
- Bangor Region Chamber of Commerce handed out annual awards last week. The most important was the Award For Best Pizza-Ordering.
- Bangor Region Chamber of Commerce handed out annual awards last week. The most important was the Award For The Most-Ignored Business!
- Bangor Region Chamber of Commerce handed out annual awards last week. The most important was the Award For Sexiest Zoning Ordinance.
- Vice President Joe Biden was in Portland Wednesday night at the Merrill Auditorium. A surprise of the night came when a laser light show began and Biden performed Eminem‘s latest album “Revival” in full.
- “Maine Examiner” website – posted as News website although without attribution regarding story authors, funders, or sources for stories. State Republican Party director Jason Savage’s name has been associated with a number of things on the website, although the party denies involvement. Vladimir Putin has been called to Maine to settle the dispute.
- Mid-Maine Chamber of commerce is hosting a business breakfast seminar on Thursday morning focusing on “Why Your Employees are Just Not Into You, and What to Do About It.” Hosting the seminar? Donald Trump.
- So… the former Jackman Town Manager has white separatist views and is mad at the media for exposing it. He’s also mad at the media for exposing that he’s fat and bald.
- “Calling All Cabernets” wine tasting was last night in Bar Harbor. Chardonnay drinkers picketed outside.
- Camden Winterfest is now through Tuesday with ice carvings, polar plunge and more! And for those men taking the polar plunge, there will be a special Shrinkage Contest at the Main Tent.
old set – me yelling at Gov. Paul LePage
Band Names 1/21/18
NEW BAND NAMES:
- The Smatterings
- Kurt Vomitgut
- 9021Oh… My…
- Rocket-Man’s Red Glare
- Alas A Lass
- Aziz: “I’m Sorry”
- Dublin Or Nuthin’
- Budha: Pest!
- We’re Happy But In a Sad Way
- Fraught
