Hecklo, all! Here are two-shows-worth of unused monologue jokes I wrote for the latest two episodes of The Nite Show with Danny Cashman:
Air Date: Dec. 13 (Gov. Paul LePage)
– Gov. LePage on the show tonight, to gloat…
– Gov. LePage on the show tonight, once Chris Christie opened the Penobscot River Bridge.
– New Legislature began work last week – that’s the joke.
– Senate District 25 still in question – Democrat won by 32 votes, but during recount 21 new ballots were found, all for the republican, giving the republican the victory in the recount. Republican is currently the person sitting in the Senate, but it’s still being disputed. We’ve been asked tonight to ask you, our audience, an important question. Now, please look through your jacket pockets and any other pockets you have. Have you found any ballots? If you find a ballot, bring it up to the stage and give it to Joe.
– Sully Erna – lead singer of Godsmack – performed last night at The Gracie Theater – but only performed music from Sesame Street.
– Holiday parades were canceled last week in Bangor & Ellsworth due to weather. The Weather Channel now predicts that all holidays themselves will be cancelled this winter due to weather. Sorry, kids!
– Student at Mattanawcook Academy severed a finger on a table saw last month, so last week school officials replaced the table saw with a “safer” one: It has no “on” button.
– Bangor Daily News found a new location in Downtown Bangor, leaving their home for the last 60+ years. Word is, the Daily News work cubicles have been downsized to “sardine level.”
– Ogunquit Christmas by the Sea is this weekend. An award will be given out for the most lively “Wreath of Live Squid.”
– Winterfest at Sunday River this weekend, and, down by the river, there will be a Shrinkage Contest at the main tent.
– Rumford Festival of Trees was today. In this year’s big contest, Charlie Brown’s Christmas tree won.
– Southern Maine Christmas Parade in Wells is tomorrow, with a huge ending this year: The Parade Of A Thousand Mall Santas.
– Charles Manson is getting married to a 26-year-old. Asked why, he said he wanted to feel young again – all spry, full of hope, all “kill-y”…
– “Michael Buble’s Christmas in New York” airs Wednesday on NBC. Word is, he’s changing his name. You know, like how Snoop Dawg became Snoop Lion? Michael Buble is now known as “Mickey Bubbles.”
– The 60th anniversary of Irving Berlin’s “White Christmas” opens in theaters in select cities tomorrow, inciting more race riots across America.
This Day in History:
First music store in America opened in Philadelphia (1759); with a sale on Peavy amps and wah pedals.
The clip-on tie was designed (1928); its first slogan was “for the dork on the go.”
The Maine Turnpike opened to traffic (1947); bringing into Maine all those damn people from away.
James Dean began his career with an appearance in a Pepsi commercial (1950); but the following year got his trademark bad-boy pout with an appearance in a Moxie commercial.
VP Al Gore delivered his concession speech vs. George W. Bush (2000); the missing ballots were later found in Maine’s District 25.
Happy Birthday today to: Ted Nugent (66) and Taylor Swift (25)! Both are very different of course: One has long pretty hair and likes to go hunting for males, the other being Taylor Swift.
Air Date: Dec. 20 (Miss Maine USA Heather Elwell / Holiday Performance)
– Christmas is Thursday – Can you feel it?—the Good Santa, the Bad Santa, all the Santas…
– Hanukah began Tuesday – despite a devastating explosion at the Dradle Plant in Flushing.
– Craig Ferguson’s final “Late Late Show” aired last night on CBS. Craig has been cited skipping across many fields and streets in joy.
– Collins Center for the Arts in Orono hosted “The Nutcracker” earlier today and will again tomorrow, but this isn’t the classic version. This version stars Mr. Peanut and his pal Filbert, who live in a fantasy land of nuts that need cracking.
– “It’s a Wonderful Life” will air as usual on Christmas Eve on NBC at 8. – but this year all the music will be done by Metallica.
– “Into the Woods” opens in theaters on Christmas Day, starring Maine’s own Anna Kendrick as Cinderella. – Ironic, since Anna Kendrick has never been in the Maine woods.
This Day in History:
Bob Hope became an American citizen (1920); even though Donald Trump still has yet to approve his birth certificate.
NBC Broadcast the Jets win over the Dolphins without audio (1980); Little Known Fact: It was Larry the Cable Guy’s first job in TV.
Howard Cosell retired after 20 years with ABC (1985); and after 20,000 comedians did his impression.
Donald Trump married Marla Maples (1993). That was like 10 wives ago. In an interview with Barbara Walters, Maples stated that she was attracted to Trump’s hair more than his money.