My UNUSED MONOLOGUE JOKES for The Nite Show that aired Sep. 19

My UNUSED MONOLOGUE JOKES for The Nite Show with Danny Cashman episode that aired Sep. 19:

– Brian Williams returns to TV later this week on MSNBC. In a bold move, he will be doing the whole show from a moving helicopter.

– The Pope is coming to America this week. Word is, he’s coming to bless all the transgendered.

– “Law & Order” turned 25 years old this week. Would anyone like to come over to my house tonight to watch season 2 on VHS? I’ll order pizza!

– Dave Chappelle will be performing at the Merrill Auditorium Tuesday night and the Collins Center for the Arts this Wednesday night. It’s predicted he may be the only black person in attendance.

– The 38th annual Bangor Gun Show was last weekend at the Cross Insurance Center. Good news to report! Only two deaths this year.

– Trail’s End Festival in Millinocket this weekend surrounding the final point on the Appalachian Trail. This year’s theme? Taco Bell!

Trump is leading the Republican candidates – in long, flowing, golden, sexy locks – am I right?

Arnold Schwarzenegger has been named to be the next host of Celebrity Apprentice. Arnold promises that on the show, there will be more guns, tanks, explosions, and CGI.

Actress Helen Mirren has recently said that men putting their arms around their girlfriends is “like ownership.” Donald Trump responded by putting his arm tightly around his latest wife.

A new study shows that Hunter-Gatherers in the Paleolithic Era ate oats, at least 32,000 years ago. That’s the oldest known consumption of oats. Interestingly, some of those old, exact same oats are currently being used to make Product 19.

Paula Dean is back on TV after her racist comments, as a contestant on Dancing With the Stars. After her first dance, she said, “I was scared – I had white underwear when I started, but it probably ain’t white no more.”  It’s reported, however, that her beliefs are still about as white as they come.

Ayatollah Khamenei said recently that if America ever went to war with Iran, America would be humiliated. America then turned the channel to watch Dancing With the Stars.

Gerald Casale, Singer of Devo, Says His 9/11-Themed Wedding Reception was planned by a friend – but the Attack-on-Pearl-Harbor-themed honeymoon was all his idea.

Woody Harrelson will star in the New ‘Planet of the Apes’ Film, reports say – as a hipster, blond, California-type ape.

Moss Landing, California: Sanctuary Cruises Shares Video of Humpback Whale Jumping Onto 2 Kayakers – When asked why he did it, the whale said, “It was just too easy.”

Nichelle Nichols, who played Lieutenant Uhura on the Star Trek series, will be visiting NASA’s Stratospheric Observatory for Infrared Astronomy. She is scheduled to fly on the aircraft, which will be observing a protostar in the constellation. The party will start when she says, “All hailing frequencies open, Captain.”

Fred DeLuca: Co-Founder and CEO of Sandwich Chain Subway Dies at Age 67, after a great final year…

Collooney, Ireland: Remains of 1,000-Year-Old Skeleton Discovered in Roots of Fallen Tree. The skeleton was found clutching a crude drawing of the man who decimated his Village – George Hale.

– Houlton Riverfront Harvest Festival was today. Award for “Most Erotic Gourd.”

This Day in History:

“Doogie Howser, M.D.” premiered on ABC in the year… wait for it…  1989.

 

Orville Reddenbacher passed away at the age of 88 (1995); it’s said death hasn’t changed his face much.

– Happy Birthday: Jimmy Fallon (41); My brother (Tuesday);  My brother is a lot like Jimmy Fallon, always saying how I’m the best and I’m so great!

Steelers accuse Pats of cheating within the first quarter. After the game, they then accused the Pats of winning.

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Writer’s Day: Dave Wrote A Book!

Thank you, Austin.

The Return of the Modern Philosopher

Dave 1I woke up in a panic this morning, Modern Philosophers!

I snatched the alarm clock off my nightstand, saw the time, and freaked out because I had overslept and was going to be late for work.

That was when I realized that today is Writer’s Day, the Holiday I’ve created to bask in the glow of the previous evening’s taping of The Nite Show, while also getting some writing done.

That was a close one!

One of the things I love about being a writer on The Nite Show is getting to meet so many interesting and cool people.

David Forbes Brown is one such person.  Dave, as he allows us to call him when he doesn’t want to sound like a serial killer, is a fellow blogger and Nite Show writer.

Despite the Red Sox hat, Dave is okay...Despite the Red Sox hat, Dave is okay…

That’s Dave.  No, he’s not making a fist because he…

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The first 50 band names in my new book “2000 Band Names”

cropped-band-name-21.jpg

“2000 Band Names” will be available in two weeks:

  1. The Usurpers
  2. Scabs Unfurled
  3. Even We Hate Us
  4. Sam I Ain’t
  5. The Exasperationists
  6. Crass Course
  7. Trump’s Hair to the Throne
  8. Men? Oh Pause
  9. The Divine Secrets of Yo Yo Ma’s Sister
  1. Crust
  2. Yo We Rump-Roastin’!
  3. Give Dong and Prosper
  4. The Skin Color Haters
  5. Bobafretless
  6. Ticking Scone
  7. To Be Frank I Am Todd
  8. Lady Antivirus
  9. Java The Cup
  10. Satellite vs. Cable: The Band
  11. NostraDamnUs
  12. The Passionistas
  13. My First Coin
  14. Genital Mélange
  15. Everyone In This Band Has A Pony
  16. Storage!
  17. The Representationings
  18. We Still Need More of Your Money for Drugs
  19. Sexy Hoagie
  20. Megadeath Baxter Birney
  21. Harmful Yet Swallowed
  22. GuberNotorius
  23. The Cassettes
  24. Us Fellas Curtsy a Lot Is All
  25. Rue Barb
  26. Kitty Kitty Fang Fang
  27. Desk Sex
  28. Radon Blast!
  29. The Joints of the Chiefs of Staff
  30. Bill-Cause-Bye
  31. Divagina
  32. We Draw a Bath Onstage
  33. Glucose Mandate
  34. Uruboy And Paraboy Sing
  35. The Nasal Sprays
  36. Falafel Vortex
  37. Row Row Row Your Ass
  38. Boring Explosion Clown
  39. Fat Wad
  40. Keith & John’s Urban Legend
  41. Lummox

Behind The Curtain: The Nite Show At 200

The night well captured! My novel is available on Amazon here: http://www.amazon.com/Black-Island-Volume-David-Forbes/dp/0692310975

The Return of the Modern Philosopher

200 cameraIt was another thrilling night at The Gracie Theatre, Modern Philosophers, as The Nite Show With Danny Cashman returned for a new season.

Maine’s favorite late night talk show also hit the 200 episode mark.  To commemorate this special milestone, I thought I’d pull back the curtain and give you a behind the scenes peek at the making of the show.

I took so many photos tonight, Modern Philosophers, that I’ll probably write several posts over the next couple of days to make use of them.

For now, though, let’s check out some of the thing that the television audience usually never gets to see…

200 GracieThe Gracie Theatre is on the campus of Husson University in Bangor.  The Nite Show’s crew is made up of students from NESCOM, the New England School of Communications, which is on the Husson campus.

Let me say, once again, that the NESCOM students are…

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