My UNUSED MONOLOGUE JOKES for The Nite Show with Danny Cashman episode that aired Sep. 19:
– Brian Williams returns to TV later this week on MSNBC. In a bold move, he will be doing the whole show from a moving helicopter.
– The Pope is coming to America this week. Word is, he’s coming to bless all the transgendered.
– “Law & Order” turned 25 years old this week. Would anyone like to come over to my house tonight to watch season 2 on VHS? I’ll order pizza!
– Dave Chappelle will be performing at the Merrill Auditorium Tuesday night and the Collins Center for the Arts this Wednesday night. It’s predicted he may be the only black person in attendance.
– The 38th annual Bangor Gun Show was last weekend at the Cross Insurance Center. Good news to report! Only two deaths this year.
– Trail’s End Festival in Millinocket this weekend surrounding the final point on the Appalachian Trail. This year’s theme? Taco Bell!
Trump is leading the Republican candidates – in long, flowing, golden, sexy locks – am I right?
Arnold Schwarzenegger has been named to be the next host of Celebrity Apprentice. Arnold promises that on the show, there will be more guns, tanks, explosions, and CGI.
Actress Helen Mirren has recently said that men putting their arms around their girlfriends is “like ownership.” Donald Trump responded by putting his arm tightly around his latest wife.
A new study shows that Hunter-Gatherers in the Paleolithic Era ate oats, at least 32,000 years ago. That’s the oldest known consumption of oats. Interestingly, some of those old, exact same oats are currently being used to make Product 19.
Paula Dean is back on TV after her racist comments, as a contestant on Dancing With the Stars. After her first dance, she said, “I was scared – I had white underwear when I started, but it probably ain’t white no more.” It’s reported, however, that her beliefs are still about as white as they come.
Ayatollah Khamenei said recently that if America ever went to war with Iran, America would be humiliated. America then turned the channel to watch Dancing With the Stars.
Gerald Casale, Singer of Devo, Says His 9/11-Themed Wedding Reception was planned by a friend – but the Attack-on-Pearl-Harbor-themed honeymoon was all his idea.
Woody Harrelson will star in the New ‘Planet of the Apes’ Film, reports say – as a hipster, blond, California-type ape.
Moss Landing, California: Sanctuary Cruises Shares Video of Humpback Whale Jumping Onto 2 Kayakers – When asked why he did it, the whale said, “It was just too easy.”
Nichelle Nichols, who played Lieutenant Uhura on the Star Trek series, will be visiting NASA’s Stratospheric Observatory for Infrared Astronomy. She is scheduled to fly on the aircraft, which will be observing a protostar in the constellation. The party will start when she says, “All hailing frequencies open, Captain.”
Fred DeLuca: Co-Founder and CEO of Sandwich Chain Subway Dies at Age 67, after a great final year…
Collooney, Ireland: Remains of 1,000-Year-Old Skeleton Discovered in Roots of Fallen Tree. The skeleton was found clutching a crude drawing of the man who decimated his Village – George Hale.
– Houlton Riverfront Harvest Festival was today. Award for “Most Erotic Gourd.”
This Day in History:
“Doogie Howser, M.D.” premiered on ABC in the year… wait for it… 1989.
Orville Reddenbacher passed away at the age of 88 (1995); it’s said death hasn’t changed his face much.
– Happy Birthday: Jimmy Fallon (41); My brother (Tuesday); My brother is a lot like Jimmy Fallon, always saying how I’m the best and I’m so great!
Steelers accuse Pats of cheating within the first quarter. After the game, they then accused the Pats of winning.