Band Names 3/30/16

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NEW BAND NAMES:

  1. The Shits & The Giggles
  2. Me So Honky
  3. Tonedeaf Loc
  4. Full Complement of Insults
  5. Her Suit ‘a Hair
  6. Oh Commie Boy
  7. Meet-Eeyore-Right
  8. Fuck It Bucket
  9. Puppy-Breath Death-Plunge
  10. When’dHeGo

 

 

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Unused Monologue Jokes for The Nite Show

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Air Date: March 19 (Miss Maine USA Marissa Butler / PTC Performance of “The Last Five Years”)

– Daylight Savings Time began last weekend, meaning we all lost an hour of Trump.

– The Town of Embden wants to change the name of Katies Crotch Road because the street sign keeps going missing. They want to change it to Katie’s Vagina Drive.

– Palm Sunday is tomorrow, marking the start of Holy Week, ending with Easter Sunday a week from tomorrow. And this year, when the Easter Bunny comes out of his burrow, if he sees his shadow, it means 10 more months of Trump.

– Ted Cruz has been endorsed by Carly Fiorina and his son-in-law, Herman Munster.

– St. Patrick’s Day was Thursday. Trump wore his hair green.

– LePage made “wanted posters” for job killers at recent town halls, with pictures of specific staff members at the Natural Resources Council of Maine and unions. He also bought a really cool X-Files poster and a huge Dawson’s Creek poster. (WRITER’S NOTE: Danny used half of this one, due to his love of quality television. Damn you, Pacey!!!)

– Mike Tyson has officially endorsed Donald Trump. When asked why, he said because Trump is the only candidate smart enough for him to understand.

– Pete Rose has officially endorsed Donald Trump. When asked why, he said that in Las Vegas, he’s already got all his money riding on Trump.

– Trump endorsed by LePage, Christie, and Dr. Ben Carson, which is good for Trump, because that means at Trump rallies, LePage can punch protestors, Carson can stab protestors, and Christie can eat them with a fine chianti.

– Protests at Trump rallies, protests at LePage town halls, protests at Nite Show tapings…

– Maine Science Festival is this weekend in Bangor. This year’s theme? Time travel.

– Happy Birthday: Wyatt Earp would be 166 years old today; but he’d have a liquid-metal head and sharp, robot claw-arms.

Girls from the Maine Black Bears came out one at a time:
“I WILL MISS” :
1. The million-dollar salary.
2. The strong smell of “bear” in the locker room.
3. All the free basketballs.
4. Never having a clear shot.
5. The calming sounds of the whistle and buzzer.
6. The lack of free time.
7. The sexy outfit.
8. The aroma of basketball rubber in the morning.
9. The free tampons.
10. The lone, echoing cry of the bear…
11. Spending all my alone time with the playbook.
12. The sweat-soaked sandwiches.
13. The rivalry with brown bears everywhere.
14. The free anti-fungal creams.
15. All the performance-enhancing drugs.
16. Locker room “toe itch.”
17. The high-pitched screeching of shoes on the court.
18. Those guys from Boston who are always counting the bolts on the floor.

 

 

The Nite Show with Danny Cashman – seen Saturday nights in the full state of Maine.

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Is Astrology real?

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IS ASTROLOGY REAL?

        In the 80’s, I was a hardcore Carl Sagan follower. He mocked astrology, citing a few scientific reasons why it can’t be true. He was clever and funny in his takedown. I loved it. I wanted to leap on said bandwagon, and set out to debunk astrology on my own. I was out to prove that anyone who believed it was fooling themselves. I thought, “That bullshit astrology column in the newspaper lists only twelve possibilities for all human interaction? Pathetic!” And so, my quest to rip it apart began.

        I learned something very important right away. The astrology column in the newspaper (next to the comics) is bullshit. We’re talkin’ “for entertainment purposes only.” I learned that real astrology is something far more complex.

Suddenly, I had a lot to learn if I was going to debunk this shit.

The first thing I learned was we all have many signs in our chart—very unlike what the astrology column next to the comics says. The comics one has only our Sun Signs. I am a Virgo. That is my Sun Sign. The Sun Sign is our foundation sign. But there’s much more.

We have a Rising (Ascendant) Sign, which I learned is more important than our Sun Sign. “Wow,” I thought, “actual astrology is doing what I set out to do—debunking the astrology column in the paper.” And it does. The Rising Sign is how we interact with people and the world, and it solely determines our Houses, a whole other aspect of Astrology I won’t get into.

But, I wasn’t sold. All these other signs in me had to read as accurate, and I figured they weren’t going to. I was still certain astrology was bullshit, albeit a more complex bullshit than I’d originally thought.

I had no idea what my Rising Sign was, because I didn’t have an ephemeris. It was the 80’s—no one had a computer, cell phone or the internet. But, a friend gave me a brief description of the twelve signs, and I looked through them to determine which was most like me. I’ve always been a bit regal and leader-like. I was always the boss with the neighborhood kids growing up, and when I was very little, I often pretended I was a large cat (even though my family never had pets). I’d go up and down the stairs like a cat on all fours at age four or five. So, after using the process of elimination with the other eleven signs, I felt strongly that if Astrology is real, I must be a Leo Rising. Soon after, I had my chart done. I am a Leo Rising.

That’s when I started to believe that which I set out to debunk.

I learned that we have a Moon Sign. Our Moon is the part of us that wants the world to be a certain way. Our little crying baby, if you will. Our inner sensitivity. We are drawn to things that have that quality—if you have Moon in Pisces, say, you’ll generally like being around people that are very Pisces, more than, say, are very Aries.

I learned that I have Moon in Libra. And that made total sense when I read the “socialite” traits of a Libra Moon. I was not only starting to believe, I was hooked.

 

THE 4 ELEMENTS

Before learning more of the signs in my chart, I learned a very important, basic aspect of astrology: ALL OF ASTROLOGY COMES DOWN TO 4 THINGS:  FIRE, EARTH, AIR, WATER. All the signs and houses and trines etc. in our charts—in all their complex patterns—can be reduced to FIRE EARTH AIR WATER for explaining our behavior. Four simple things. You want to know what someone’s like by just reading their chart, if you never meet them in the flesh? Take note of these ELEMENTS:

FIRE:      Aries, Leo, Sagittarius   =   action-oriented, leadership-ish, bold

EARTH:   Taurus, Virgo, Capricorn   =   earthy, planning, details, annoyed

AIR:       Gemini, Libra, Aquarius   =   the realm of ideas, intellect, forgetful

WATER:  Cancer, Scorpio, Pisces   =   sensitive, moody, hold-it-in, psychic

After years of doing people’s charts, I’ve found that most people are strong in just two or three of these, which always helps explain their behavior, reactions, wants and needs.

I will write more about the other signs in our chart in my next Astrology Blog.

Go to http://davidforbesbrown.com to see all my shit yo.