20 More o’ My Unused Monologue Jokes

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20 MORE O’ MY UNUSED MONOLOGUE JOKES FOR THE NITE SHOW:

  1.   In America’s commercial space business news, recently there was a successful rocket launch of the Space Ex Falcon 9 rocket, which carried 10 communication satellites into orbit. It’s rumored that 8 of the 10 are much-needed upgrades to Pokemon Go.
  2.    We’re in Westbrook! Hello, Southern Maine! The Nite Show is finally broadcasting from Southern Maine!  Ahhhhh, do you smell that? I can get a whiff of it from here. That Massachusetts air…
  3.   And in America’s commercial space business news, recently there was a successful rocket launch of the Space Ex Falcon 9 rocket, which carried 10 communication satellites into orbit. It’s rumored that 8 of the 10 are much-needed upgrades to Pokemon Go.
  4. Valentine’s Day is Tuesday. Men across the nation are practicing their “sorry” face.
  1.  Valentine’s Day was Tuesday. But men, don’t relax. Remember, you promised to go yarn shopping on Sunday.
  2. School Vacation week is upon us. And remember, kids, during vacation, do a lot of studying every night!

PORTLAND MAYOR STRIMLING JOKES:

  1.    We better move this along, because right after this, Mayor Strimling has to go shoot a piece for Entertainment Tonight.
  2.  Mayor Strimling has lost many times in his career, but one loss looms over the rest: When he lost the starring role on Baywatch.
  3.  People ask, “How does Mayor Strimling keep his skin so sexy and soft?” I know him, and I know how. With a special sexy cream created by Governor Le Page called “No Apologies.”
  4. Everyone has an enemy. We’ve heard of all the foes that Mayor Strimling has had over the years—some truly scary adversaries! But none scarier, than his true arch rival… Fabio.
  5. I hear Mayor Strimling’s main goal is to become the host of that new game show with the falling ball.
  6. Everybody Wang Chung Tonight, everybody Strim Ling Tonight!
  7. Big snowfall earlier this week in most of Maine. It’s a very snowy February this year, forcing Mainers to dig themselves out—just like the Trump administration will have to do after the failed Muslim ban.
  1. The Winterkids Downhill 24 is being held this Friday at Sugarloaf – teams compete to see who can squeeze in the most runs within 24 hours. Not to be outdone, the local Taco Bell is holding a beurito-eating competition, where the winner squeezes in the most runs within 24 hours.
  1. A man from Appleton, ME was crowned the champion of a show called “Alone” on the History Channel, earning him a $500,000 prize. When asked how he was able to live alone for such a long time, he said that his mother-in-law was motivation to just keep going.
  1. “Fifty Shades Darker” premiered in theaters last weekend. And as a result, theater owners are complaining about having to buy more cleaning products.
  1. After a scuffle at a New York Knicks game last week that lead to his arrest, former Knick Charles Oakley has officially been banned from Madison Square Garden. He was later caught trying to get back in wearing a nun outfit.
  1. L.L. Bean is seemingly having tough times, having offered buyouts to employees, and is ending contributions to pension plans. But, anyone who stays with the company gets a free tote bag!

THIS DAY IN HISTORY:

  1. The first Church of Scientology was established (1954); on that infamous day, when the aliens visited diet author L. Ron Hubbard.
  1. Pope Francis questioned Donald Trump’s Christianity over concerns that he wanted to build a wall on the Mexican border (2016). But the Pope wasn’t worried about religious concerns, as much as he was worried about the expense for Americans and the ease of tunnels being built.

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Published by

David Forbes Brown

I live on the largest of the 4500 islands off the coast of Maine. I write comedy for Maine's only late night talk show (The Nite Show with Danny Cashman), Maine-based novels, music (rock to orchestral) in my humble studio by the sea, a weekly sports column for MyBriefs, and a Red Sox Report for every Sox game of the season.

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