NEW BAND NAMES:
- The Ballooning Pantaloons
- Lady Agog
- MesotheliOhhh Myyyy
- Ultra-Violent Lite
- The Bass-less Accusations
- Boring Complicated
- Peoter’s Gamecock
- On Da Man
- A Chip Off the Ol’ Shoulder
NEW BAND NAMES:
Air Date: February 24 (Jeff & Lou from the Q Morning Show / Heart Shaped Rock)
– Earlier this month, an adjunct professor was replaced at Southern New Hampshire University after giving a student a failing grade because she thought Australia was a country. The university apologized and fired the professor. In his defense, the professor said he didn’t think she said Australia, he thought she said Austria.
– Today is “World Sword Swallowers Day.” So I apologize if I’m a little hoarse during tonight’s monologue…
– Today is “World Sword Swallowers Day.” So if you notice gunk all over your sword, you’ll know why.
– We’re officially in Lent, which began about a week and a half ago. As you can clearly see, I’ve given up comedy for Lent.
– A Romanian University study shows that it is safe to eat half-day old snow, and even safer in the colder months. And they did the study in Brooklyn!
– “The Walking Dead” season 8 premieres tomorrow night at 9 on AMC. Also titled “The Walking Dead?” Bernie Sander’s new presidential campaign.
– Season 4 of “Gotham” premiered on FOX Thursday night at 8. In it, Congressman Bruce Poliquin made his acting debut as a new character called The Polipenguin.
– Natalie Portman’s big blockbuster “Annihilation” hit theaters last night. “Annihilation” is the story of what Congressman Bruce Poliquin’s DNA did to his height.
– Today is “Tortilla Chip Day” followed tomorrow by “Flavored-Chemical-Dust Day.”
– Tomorrow is “Girls in Sports Day” with a large focus on it at the University of Maine women’s basketball game against University at Albany. And leading a parade with a baton will be “America’s First Girl” – Richard Simmons!
– The Red Sox played their first Spring Training game of the season yesterday against the Twins. After the game, one of the backup catchers was elated because his average has never been as high as 250.
– The Red Sox played their first Spring Training game of the season yesterday against the Twins. David Price didn’t play, but is already on the disabled list until probably September.
– “Game Night” premiered in theaters last night – a thriller about a group of friends who meet routinely for game nights and realize the murder mystery game they are playing is actually for real, but the only way to get through it is to keep playing the game. Sounds like Yahtzee Night with Brent and Linda, am I right?
This Day in History:
In 2014, a 4.4 billion year old crystal is discovered to be the oldest known fragment from the Earth’s crust. But since then, scientists have learned it was just a ring lost by George Hale.
In 2014, a 4.4 billion year old crystal is discovered to be the oldest known fragment from the Earth’s crust. The second oldest known fragment is 3 billion years old. It’s part of a tie clip from Larry King.
In 1998, Elton John was knighted by Queen Elizabeth II at Buckingham Palace. Word is, he came away with a nasty case of “sword burn.”
Highest price ever paid for a pig – $42,500 – in Stamford, TX (1979); Word is, the pig had an agent.
The Nite Show with Danny Cashman, Air Date Feb. 17, 2018:
– Gov. LePage’s final State of the State Address was Tuesday night. Lepage said union dues is extortion money, and leads to robots being used in factories. He said he hasn’t used an ATM machine in 7 years, because he hates robots and doesn’t trust them. But, he admitted, he IS rather fond of that “BB8.”
– Lepage said he hates robots and doesn’t trust them. Especially that Nancy Pelosi.
LePage said he urges Congress not to throw old couples out of their homes, or give up on old couples when they keep making mistakes in their Dysarts commercial. (buttrary flakeful clucks.)
LePage said he won’t expand Medicaid unless he knows how they’ll pay for it. “Show me the money!” he said. And later, on the issue of prisons, he said “Release the Kracken!”
– LePage said that overall, Maine cities are more compassionate than Maine small towns. This turned the town of Alton into a war zone.
– Presidents Day is Monday. Word is, Trump has been given extra-strength orange carpet tape in case there’s a wind.
– The first full spring training team workout for the 2018 Boston Red Sox is Monday. David Price is expected to last about 2 hours into the workout before going back on the DL until September.
– The first full spring training team workout for the 2018 Boston Red Sox is Monday. John Farrell will celebrate at home by watching his “stories.”
– Oakhurst Dairy settled the “Oxford Comma debate,” about a very important coma in a contract with the drivers, who won the settlement with a $5 million dollar payout. And now, drivers for Hood ice cream are suing for 6 million dollars in a new huge “Gerund debate.” OR: “Semi-Colon debate.” “All-Caps debate.” “Caps-Lock debate.”
– Oakhurst Dairy settled the Oxford Comma debate – which was an overtime dispute with drivers due to an Oxford Comma in a contract. The settlement was a $5 million payout to the drivers. The comma is now officially known as the “Oakhurst Comma.”
– L.L. Bean has announced they will no longer honor the return policy they have held for more than 100 years. But employees are now required to model any clothing the purchaser chooses.
– Today is “Random Act of Kindness Day.” And if ya don’t like it, shut up and to hell with ya!
– Today is “Random Act of Kindness Day.” But don’t expect anything from Eagles fans.
– A man from Orrington says he fought off a black bear that attacked his puppy in the woods recently, partially by “sticking his finger in the bear’s eye.” In a related story, Steve Bannon has been spotted wearing an eyepatch.
– First week of the 2018 Winter Olympics are in the books from Pyong Chang, South Korea. Or as many call it, the “first week of no This Is Us.”
– First week of the 2018 Winter Olympics are in the books from Pyeong Chang, South Korea. The second week will take place in Wang Chung.
– Valentine’s Day was Wednesday. An’ allz I got was a rock…
Katahdin Area Winterfest started yesterday and runs all week. It kicked off with a snowmobile parade last night and a number of events today. And hey all boys, teen boys, and men – remember to take part in the artistic “Yellow Snow Contest!”
– North & South Korea shared a historic handshake at the Olympic games. Word is, Trump wished he would have been there to shake their hands and hold both hands for an uncomfortably long time.
– The 14th annual Chocolate Festival is being held tomorrow in Greenville. So hey ladies, if your man isn’t cuttin’ it lately, c’mon down to the Chocolate Festival!
– The Thompson Ice House Museum is holding their annual ice harvest starting tomorrow at 9 a.m. Now with Sno Cone syrup!
This Day in History:
In 1969, Bob Dylan and Johnny Cash record an album that was never released. And years later, the CD was also never released.
In 1969, Bob Dylan and Johnny Cash record an album that was never released. It was titled, “All About Oats.”
Air Date: February 10
– The reboot of “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” became available on NetFlix earlier this week. In the first episode, they help Steve Bannon shave and pick out drapes.
– “Fifty Shades Freed” – the final installment in the “Fifty Shades” series is in theaters Friday night. In this one, shades 100 to 150 will be explored. And as always, in Maine, complimentary cleaning materials will be given out with each ticket. Remember Maine, keep your 50 shades theater seating areas clean!
– “Fifty Shades Freed” – the final installment in the “Fifty Shades” series is in theaters Friday night. Local theaters remind us that it makes for a great family night out!
– moe. is performing at the State Theatre Friday and Saturday night, next weekend, in Portland. Opening for moe. will be the new band shemp.
– Series premiere of “Our Cartoon President” is tomorrow night, based on the Stephen Colbert cartoon version of President Trump. And for all Americans, “Our Cartoon President” is on TV every night!
– The Maine Home Show is this weekend at Portland’s Cross Insurance Arena. An award will be given out for the “Sexiest Cement Pour.”
– This month is Brunswick Longfellow Days honoring Henry Wadsworth Longfellow including a party with cake and a community poetry reading. Stephen King will give a respectful reading—dressed as a sewer clown.
– U.S. National Toboggan Championships are this weekend in Camden at the Snow Bowl with teams of four whizzing down a 400 foot long chute. Sounds like a couples night out with Brent and Linda, am I right?
This Day in History:
In 1979, “Do Ya Think I’m Sexy?” by Rod Stewart peaked at #1. But now it’s official! Rod Stewart has officially stopped asking if we think he’s sexy.
“Miami Vice” 100th episode seen on NBC (1989); in the episode, Crockett and Tubbs posed sexily with guns to loud synthesizers.
Kanye West released “The College Dropout” (2004); right before getting a degree in advanced astrophysics from Harvard.
In 2005, Charles, Prince of Wales, announced his engagement to Camilla Parker Bowles. At the star-studded event, celebratory eatin’-hay was placed around the room with a carrot for after.
In 2016, Chris Christie suspended his campaign, and added industrial strength suspenders to his pants.
Unused Monologue jokes for The Nite Show with Danny Cashman:
Here are a few unused AND USED monologue jokes I wrote for “The Nite Show with Danny Cashman.” Can you tell which are used or unused? Tune in tonight!
7:30 on WGME CBS 13 News, Portland
11:30 on WABI TV5/Bangor
10:30 on WPFO FOX23/Portland
12 midnight on WAGM-TV FOX 8/Presque Isle
1. Tuesday is the day we find out if Roy Moore is elected to the US Senate in Alabama. But no matter what happens, at least we can all come together as Americans to say we’ve already elected Roy Moore in our hearts…
2. Tuesday is the day we find out if Roy Moore is elected to the US Senate in Alabama. Moore is saying that if he’s elected, he’s going to party all night with the local Girl Scout Troop.
3. Tuesday is the day we find out if Roy Moore is elected to the US Senate in Alabama. Psychiatrists warn that if he loses, he might wind up wearing his little cowboy outfit in the local sewer system.
4. As we know, Matt Lauer was fired from NBC’s Today Show & NBC News. It was discovered that he actually had a button under his desk that would lock the office door. But it is reported that Lauer never used the button when Al Roker was in there.
5. Gov. LePage is seeking a disaster declaration, and $4.7M from the feds to help pay for recovery from the wind storm in October. And as long as the Trump administration remembers that most people in Maine are white, chances are we’ll get our money.
6. Passenger Rail Service Planning “test runs” to Rockland this month, in direct response to Kim Jong Un’s latest missile launch.
7. Tuesday is the day we find out if Roy Moore is elected to the US Senate in Alabama. Roy said if he wins, he’ll be as giddy as a school girl!
8. Tuesday is the day we find out if Roy Moore is elected to the US Senate in Alabama, or will be on next year’s “Dancing With the Stars!”
9. Bangor Airport is seeing more than 500,000 passengers this year for the first time ever. And that’s just for the flights to Lewiston.
10. Ovation TV is airing its 11th annual “Battle of the Nutcrackers” starting Monday – a 5-day marathon of various productions of “The Nutcracker.” And some celebrities have signed on! One of the productions of “The Nutcracker” stars Louis CK, Matt Lauer, Al Franken, Charlie Rose, Garrison Keillor, Roger Ailes, Bill O’Reilly, Bill Clinton, and Bill Cosby. “The Nutcracker!”
11. The Patriots are tied for first in the AFC and on an 8-game win streak. The only deflated balls are now found on the opposing teams.
12. This Day in History: In 2008, Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich was arrested by the feds for a number of alleged crimes including attempting to sell the U.S. Senate seat opening vacated by President Barack Obama. And next year catch him on “Dancing With the Stars!”
13. Maine Secretary of State Matthew Dunlap is on Trump’s Voter Fraud Commission and is now suing the commission to find out what it’s doing, feeling he’s being left in the dark. He was last seen in a dark alley. No word yet.
14. Maine Secretary of State Matthew Dunlap is on Trump’s Voter Fraud Commission and is now suing the commission to find out what it’s doing, feeling he’s being left in the dark. (OUT OF THE SIDE OF YOUR MOUTH LIKE A SECRET): Little does he know there IS no Trump Voter Fraud Commission.
15. The Millinocket Marathon & Half were both held earlier today! I participated. But I could only do the Half.
16. This Day in History: In 2005, “Brokeback Mountain” was released in theaters. Little known fact: The original title of the film was “Not That There’s Anything Wrong With That” Mountain.
17. WWE Live at the Cross Insurance Arena in Portland tonight with their “holiday tour.” Watch, as Triple H takes a fully decorated Christmas tree with lights—and beats some guy to death.
18. Disney on Ice “Frozen” coming to Cross Insurance Arena in Portland this Wednesday. SING: “Do you really want to hear this song man?”
19. “Gotti” with John Travolta opened in theaters last night. “Gotti” is of course all about the enticing, magical world of Scientology.
20. “The Greatest Showman” the story of P.T. Barnum opens in theaters Wednesday night, starring Hugh Jackman, Zac Effron and Michelle Williams. But historians say that centuries from now, “The Greatest Showman” will refer to Donald Trump.
21. A guy went to a Waffle House in South Carolina and found the only employee there asleep. After waiting 10 minutes, he decided to hop behind the counter and make his own double Texas Bacon Cheese Steak Melt and chronical the activities on Facebook. He’s now the manager.
22. The Oak Ridge Boys are bringing their holiday tour to the Collins Center in Orono Tuesday night! But beware of catching or spreading the flu. Don’t attend if you have an (sing): “Elvirus” (ok kill me now)
23. The WWE Live at the Cross Insurance Arena is in Portland tonight with their “holiday tour”!!! Come watch, as Triple H beats a guy to death with a holiday fruit cake!
24. A guy went to a Waffle House in South Carolina and found the only employee there asleep. After waiting 10 minutes, he decided to hop behind the counter and make his own double Texas Bacon Cheese Steak Melt and chronical the activities on Facebook. He can now be seen on The Food Network in a new restaurant show called “Breakin’ & Enterin’!”
SOME OF MY UNUSED MONOLOGUE JOKES FOR THE NITE SHOW:
This Day in History (Dec. 25):
UNUSED MONOLOGUES JOKES FOR THE NITE SHOW:
This Day in History:
Air Date: March 19 (Miss Maine USA Marissa Butler / PTC Performance of “The Last Five Years”)
– Daylight Savings Time began last weekend, meaning we all lost an hour of Trump.
– The Town of Embden wants to change the name of Katies Crotch Road because the street sign keeps going missing. They want to change it to Katie’s Vagina Drive.
– Palm Sunday is tomorrow, marking the start of Holy Week, ending with Easter Sunday a week from tomorrow. And this year, when the Easter Bunny comes out of his burrow, if he sees his shadow, it means 10 more months of Trump.
– Ted Cruz has been endorsed by Carly Fiorina and his son-in-law, Herman Munster.
– St. Patrick’s Day was Thursday. Trump wore his hair green.
– LePage made “wanted posters” for job killers at recent town halls, with pictures of specific staff members at the Natural Resources Council of Maine and unions. He also bought a really cool X-Files poster and a huge Dawson’s Creek poster. (WRITER’S NOTE: Danny used half of this one, due to his love of quality television. Damn you, Pacey!!!)
– Mike Tyson has officially endorsed Donald Trump. When asked why, he said because Trump is the only candidate smart enough for him to understand.
– Pete Rose has officially endorsed Donald Trump. When asked why, he said that in Las Vegas, he’s already got all his money riding on Trump.
– Trump endorsed by LePage, Christie, and Dr. Ben Carson, which is good for Trump, because that means at Trump rallies, LePage can punch protestors, Carson can stab protestors, and Christie can eat them with a fine chianti.
– Protests at Trump rallies, protests at LePage town halls, protests at Nite Show tapings…
– Maine Science Festival is this weekend in Bangor. This year’s theme? Time travel.
– Happy Birthday: Wyatt Earp would be 166 years old today; but he’d have a liquid-metal head and sharp, robot claw-arms.
Girls from the Maine Black Bears came out one at a time:
“I WILL MISS” :
1. The million-dollar salary.
2. The strong smell of “bear” in the locker room.
3. All the free basketballs.
4. Never having a clear shot.
5. The calming sounds of the whistle and buzzer.
6. The lack of free time.
7. The sexy outfit.
8. The aroma of basketball rubber in the morning.
9. The free tampons.
10. The lone, echoing cry of the bear…
11. Spending all my alone time with the playbook.
12. The sweat-soaked sandwiches.
13. The rivalry with brown bears everywhere.
14. The free anti-fungal creams.
15. All the performance-enhancing drugs.
16. Locker room “toe itch.”
17. The high-pitched screeching of shoes on the court.
18. Those guys from Boston who are always counting the bolts on the floor.
The Nite Show with Danny Cashman – seen Saturday nights in the full state of Maine.
Ratings came in for “The Wiz Live” on NBC – 11.5 million tuned in… about 2.5 million more than Peter Pan Live a year ago. Next year’s project hasn’t been decided yet, but once you go black…
Star Wars opens in theaters this Friday. May the long lines be with you.
Star Wars opens in theaters this Friday. Some people will be dressed up as the Star Wars characters. Law Enforcement will be present. The police are warning everyone: do not take candy from a Wookie.
Southern Maine Christmas Parade is tomorrow in Wells at 2 p.m. With the warm weather, this year they will have dancing, sexy elves and Santa will be in a skimpy bathing suit, gyrating to Don Henley’s “The Boys of Summer.”
Kenny Rogers performing in Bangor tomorrow night. For everyone at the event, Lifeflight helicopters will be standing by.
Kim Kardashian had her baby about 3 weeks early – it’s a boy! His name is South-By-Southwest.
This Day in History: Jerry Lee Lewis married his 13-year-old first cousin while still married to his first wife (1957); when asked why he married her, he said because his 5-year-old 1st cousin wasn’t available.
In Ellsworth, A $4.9 million bond failed (60-40) to preserve their library. Isis wins.
The Bangor Daily News has purchased the St. John Valley Times, taking over ownership effective this past week. Their first order of business was to seize Norma Patterson’s donut-filled fridge in the lounge.
Ben Carson has said that he wanted to stab his best friend as a teenager. Just another false promise by a campaigning politician!
“The Good Dinosaur” from Pixar is being released in theaters this Wednesday—starring Larry King.
“Murder She Baked: a Plum Pudding Mystery” airs tomorrow night on the Hallmark Movie Channel. Little known fact: When writing the film, the writers were baked.
This Day in History: “Rocky” premiered in New York (1976)—to the anger of Philly.
Season Premiere of “Kate Plus 8” premieres Tuesday night at 9 on TLC. Two of the kids did not want to return to the show, so they’ve been replaced by puppets.
Kenny Rogers will perform Christmas tunes and his hits next Sunday night at the Cross Insurance Center in Bangor. He will also give a long symposium about his beauty secrets.
Lindsay Miller of Lowell, MA, was permitted to wear a spaghetti strainer on her head in her driver’s license photo…it appears as though she belongs to the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. In MA, headgear is not allowed in driver’s license photos, except for religious reasons. And on her passport, she’s wearing a salad shredder.
This Day in History: OJ Simpson is sentenced to 33 years in prison for kidnapping and armed robbery (2008); Prison, where he finally found the real killer.
“Grease Live” aired on FOX Sunday night, starring Julianne Hough and Carly Rae Jepsen – Oddly, the next 50 Shades a Gray film will also be called “Grease Live.”
“50 Shades of Black” was released last weekend, starring Rachel Dolezal, the fired white head of the NAACP, as the “Lone 50th Shade.”
Thanks to fellow writer Austin Hodgens and Whittling Fog Photography for the pics.