Unused Monologue Jokes for the Nite Show with Danny Cashman

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SOME OF MY UNUSED MONOLOGUE JOKES FOR THE NITE SHOW:

  1. It’s New Year’s Eve! The night when Kathy Griffin talks over Anderson Cooper all night!
  1. Yup. It’s New Year’s Eve across the globe and, wait… (listens) Yup! I hear it! Can you hear it?! The sound of Kim Jong Un’s ball dropping!
  1. Can you feel the Holiday Spirit in the air? Christmas carols, holiday-neutral carols…
  1. Donald Trump met with Al Gore to talk about climate change this past week, and Trump told Gore that he champions the climate, and however the climate can help the oil industry get more oil and transport it in pipelines, the more he loves the climate.
  1. Donald Trump has tweeted that Alec Baldwin’s impression of him on Saturday Night Live is horrible and the show isn’t funny – except for the one Trump hosted last year, which he says is “huuuge comedy genius.”
  1. Gov. LePage made news by sending letters to elected members of the legislature, saying that they should report for duty on Dec. 7 to start conducting the people’s business, even though he cannot attest to the accuracy of the election tabulations. He also sent them some lovely Christmas cards.
  1. The Red Sox have acquired controversial hothead pitcher Chris Sale, for 4 minor league players. And I figure, if being a hothead works for Trump, why not for Chris Sale?
  1. Kristen Stewart is in the new Rolling Stones video for “Ride ‘Em On Down,” driving a ’65 Mustang, doing a seductive dance. And, in a nod to the age of the Rolling Stone band members, there is a special cameo: also in the video, dancing sexily on a car hood, is Barbara Walters.
  1. Winnie’s Dairy Bar is returning in 79 Parsons Street in Presque Isle! Doors scheduled to open in February with a grand opening planned for April. And they’ve really gone overboard this time. A live cow has been installed behind the bar.
  1. Paris Hilton was doing a DJ gig in Miami and someone spilled vodka on her gear. She was NOT happy. Luckily, she had her new Chihuahua with her, and used it to soak up the spill.     200 band
  1. James Cordon has been announced as the host of the 2017 GRAMMY Awards on CBS, and in a nod to Carpool Karaoke, this year the GRAMMYs will be broadcast from a moving car.
  1. The creator of “Full House” bought the Full House house in San Francisco last month, reuniting many of the shows stars earlier this month on the steps of the iconic home. Then, they got out the tools, and the actors were forced to renovate it for free.
  1. Mountain Holly Days in Rangeley this weekend, with horse-drawn wagon rides, family activities, shopping and more! Come one come all and try the overflowing margarita-filled horse trough! Bob for limes!
  1. “Hairspray Live” aired Wednesday night on NBC. Scientists say, as a result, the ozone layer has thinned dramatically.
  1. Fogcutters had their annual Christmas Extravaganza at the State Theater in Portland earlier tonight. When asked how they put it all together so fast, the director said they just “put on their low beams” and took it one step at a time.   200 audience
  1. We are doing our show at the Westbrook Performing Arts Center, taping Friday, January 27! I will be playing the role of Jorge, the sexy yet thwarted lover.
  1. NFL Ratings continue to stink. And even THAT has been blamed on Joe Buck.
  1. “America’s Next Top Model” premiered Monday night on VH1. President-Elect Trump has expressed interest in moving the event to the White House.
  1. This Day in History:  The Houston Astrodome opened, and the first event was a concert with Judy Garland and the Supremes (1965); immediately followed by 52 consecutive years without a World Series win for the Astros.
  1. Most kids will delight in their presents, but there will also be those that are unhappy with some of their gifts. But, luckily, Donald Trump was very pleased with his gift this year… America.   danny
  1. Ah, Christmas in Maine – a roaring fire, a warm, glowing tree, Christmas music playing, a wrapped bottle of Allens taped to a carton of cigarettes under the tree…

This Day in History (Dec. 25): 

  1. John Wayne divorced his wife of 12 years (1945); due to an argument over the placing of tinsel on their tree.
  1. “The Godfather Part III” was released, starring Al Pacino and Diane Keaton (1990); I think this was the one where Marty had to take the Delorean back to save Doc in the Old West.
  1. Mikhail Gorbachev formally resigns as president of the USSR in a televised speech (1991); but that thing on his face stayed for another week.   200 camera 3

Celebrity resolutions:

  1. Paris Hilton vows to stop buying Chihuahuas.
  1. Kanye West vows to learn what “the 5th in the key of G” means.
  1. Donald Trump vows to let us see his taxes—wait, this just in, that’s his 2017 April Fools.
  1. Ball drop happening tonight in Downtown Bangor. But enough about Joe.
  1. This Day in History:“Match Game” debuted on NBC with host Gene Rayburn (1962); Back then, Gene was “back in 1 and 1.”
  1. Happy Birthday:  Donald Trump Jr. (39); He celebrated by killing an endangered rhino.

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Unused Monologue Jokes for The Nite Show

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Air Date: March 19 (Miss Maine USA Marissa Butler / PTC Performance of “The Last Five Years”)

– Daylight Savings Time began last weekend, meaning we all lost an hour of Trump.

– The Town of Embden wants to change the name of Katies Crotch Road because the street sign keeps going missing. They want to change it to Katie’s Vagina Drive.

– Palm Sunday is tomorrow, marking the start of Holy Week, ending with Easter Sunday a week from tomorrow. And this year, when the Easter Bunny comes out of his burrow, if he sees his shadow, it means 10 more months of Trump.

– Ted Cruz has been endorsed by Carly Fiorina and his son-in-law, Herman Munster.

– St. Patrick’s Day was Thursday. Trump wore his hair green.

– LePage made “wanted posters” for job killers at recent town halls, with pictures of specific staff members at the Natural Resources Council of Maine and unions. He also bought a really cool X-Files poster and a huge Dawson’s Creek poster. (WRITER’S NOTE: Danny used half of this one, due to his love of quality television. Damn you, Pacey!!!)

– Mike Tyson has officially endorsed Donald Trump. When asked why, he said because Trump is the only candidate smart enough for him to understand.

– Pete Rose has officially endorsed Donald Trump. When asked why, he said that in Las Vegas, he’s already got all his money riding on Trump.

– Trump endorsed by LePage, Christie, and Dr. Ben Carson, which is good for Trump, because that means at Trump rallies, LePage can punch protestors, Carson can stab protestors, and Christie can eat them with a fine chianti.

– Protests at Trump rallies, protests at LePage town halls, protests at Nite Show tapings…

– Maine Science Festival is this weekend in Bangor. This year’s theme? Time travel.

– Happy Birthday: Wyatt Earp would be 166 years old today; but he’d have a liquid-metal head and sharp, robot claw-arms.

Girls from the Maine Black Bears came out one at a time:
“I WILL MISS” :
1. The million-dollar salary.
2. The strong smell of “bear” in the locker room.
3. All the free basketballs.
4. Never having a clear shot.
5. The calming sounds of the whistle and buzzer.
6. The lack of free time.
7. The sexy outfit.
8. The aroma of basketball rubber in the morning.
9. The free tampons.
10. The lone, echoing cry of the bear…
11. Spending all my alone time with the playbook.
12. The sweat-soaked sandwiches.
13. The rivalry with brown bears everywhere.
14. The free anti-fungal creams.
15. All the performance-enhancing drugs.
16. Locker room “toe itch.”
17. The high-pitched screeching of shoes on the court.
18. Those guys from Boston who are always counting the bolts on the floor.

 

 

The Nite Show with Danny Cashman – seen Saturday nights in the full state of Maine.

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More unused monologue jokes for The Nite Show from last month:

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The Nite Show with Danny Cashman can be seen in the full state of Maine on Saturday nights.

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• Dave Chappelle performed in Orono this past week. He was the only black person in attendance.

• “Hotel Transylvania 2” in theaters this weekend starring the voices of Adam Sandler, Selena Gomez, and Mel Brooks, who, it was reported, during the film, were involved in an off-camera love triangle.

• “The Intern” also released in theaters this weekend starring Robert De Nero and Anne Hathaway – all about the life of Jack McBrayer.

• The McDreemy-less “Grey’s Anatomy” premiered Thursday night on ABC. Many women viewers found it to be McMeaningless.

• Season premiere of “The Simpsons” tomorrow night on FOX. Also, a show called “The Last Man on Earth.” is in its 2nd season – it has been retitled. It’s now called “The Last Ensemble Cast on Earth.”

• A guy from Oklahoma lost his wedding ring in a lake in upstate New York 39 years ago…and got it back earlier this month. A resident around the lake found it, gave it to a year round resident who heard about the man who lost the ring (and still vacations there on another side of the lake) and sent it back to him. (Awwww) The man then said he also lost a thousand bucks up there somewhere…

– Muppets premiered Tuesday. Kermit and Miss Piggy are divorced in the new Office-type format, which is rated R for sexual puppet nudity.

– Under The Dome was cancelled. When asked why, CBS president Les Moonves said it just got too “dome-y.”

– First show on WGME in Portland. Hi, WGME! Why don’t you stay with us here tonight, for the full half hour? It’s me, ol’ Dan! Ha… ha… (pause) Are you still there?

• Lots of Apple festivals today, including Manchester, Livermore Falls, and Cornish. WARNING: No cinnamon allowed on the premises this year.

• This Day in History: 
• Elvis Presley made his first public appearance. He was 10 (1945); and performed the song “Hound Puppy.”

• Sinead O’ Connor ripped up a picture of the Pope on SNL (1992); To celebrate, today she ripped up a picture of Donald Trump.

– Motley Crue coming to Bangor later this month. Opening for Motley Crue will be Maine’s own Rick Charette.

• WWE Live held earlier tonight in Bangor, and tomorrow night in Portland. Now with stricter, more rigid rules and adhering to the strict rulebook.

• Also released this weekend “This is Happening” starring Cloris Leachman as a grandmother on the run with a trunk full of drugs from her granddaughter’s attempt at a drug deal. Based on a recent true story from my Mom’s life.

• “Jay Leno’s Garage” premieres this Wednesday night on CNBC – featuring Jay’s special “chin-accommodating” vehicles.

– “Haven” based on Stephen King’s “The Colorado Kid” premieres this Thursday night on Syfy in its final season. The final season is purportedly all about the Vinal Haven girl’s basketball team.

This Day in History:
– Elvis Presley made his first public appearance. He was 10 (1945). An old man at the time showed Elvis the ropes of how to do television. That man? Maine’s own George Hale.

– “The Andy Griffith Show” & “Mr. Ed” both premiered today (1961); in a little known crossover episode, the horse changed places with Aunt Bee.

– Sinead O’ Connor ripped up a picture of the Pope on SNL (1992). To celebrate, today she ripped up an AARP newsletter.

– Gary Larson announced he was done doing “The Far Side” cartoon (1994); animals around the globe wondered how they were going to stay current.

– O.J. Simpson was found “not guilty” for murder (1995) but was found “guilty” of charges of kidnapping and armed robbery on this day in 2008… To this day, he still promises to look for the killer, the kidnapper, the armed robber…. the—

– Happy Birthday Al Sharpton (61); All his lost weight is apparently going to his hair.