Unused AND USED monologue jokes

Here are a few unused AND USED monologue jokes I wrote for “The Nite Show with Danny Cashman.”  Can you tell which are used or unused? Tune in tonight!

7:30 on WGME CBS 13 News, Portland
11:30 on WABI TV5/Bangor
10:30 on WPFO FOX23/Portland
12 midnight on WAGM-TV FOX 8/Presque Isleawesomenite

1. Tuesday is the day we find out if Roy Moore is elected to the US Senate in Alabama. But no matter what happens, at least we can all come together as Americans to say we’ve already elected Roy Moore in our hearts…

2. Tuesday is the day we find out if Roy Moore is elected to the US Senate in Alabama. Moore is saying that if he’s elected, he’s going to party all night with the local Girl Scout Troop.

3. Tuesday is the day we find out if Roy Moore is elected to the US Senate in Alabama. Psychiatrists warn that if he loses, he might wind up wearing his little cowboy outfit in the local sewer system.

4. As we know, Matt Lauer was fired from NBC’s Today Show & NBC News. It was discovered that he actually had a button under his desk that would lock the office door. But it is reported that Lauer never used the button when Al Roker was in there.

5. Gov. LePage is seeking a disaster declaration, and $4.7M from the feds to help pay for recovery from the wind storm in October. And as long as the Trump administration remembers that most people in Maine are white, chances are we’ll get our money.

6. Passenger Rail Service Planning “test runs” to Rockland this month, in direct response to Kim Jong Un’s latest missile launch.

7. Tuesday is the day we find out if Roy Moore is elected to the US Senate in Alabama. Roy said if he wins, he’ll be as giddy as a school girl!

8. Tuesday is the day we find out if Roy Moore is elected to the US Senate in Alabama, or will be on next year’s “Dancing With the Stars!”

9. Bangor Airport is seeing more than 500,000 passengers this year for the first time ever. And that’s just for the flights to Lewiston.

10. Ovation TV is airing its 11th annual “Battle of the Nutcrackers” starting Monday – a 5-day marathon of various productions of “The Nutcracker.” And some celebrities have signed on! One of the productions of “The Nutcracker” stars Louis CK, Matt Lauer, Al Franken, Charlie Rose, Garrison Keillor, Roger Ailes, Bill O’Reilly, Bill Clinton, and Bill Cosby. “The Nutcracker!”imageblog

11. The Patriots are tied for first in the AFC and on an 8-game win streak. The only deflated balls are now found on the opposing teams.

12. This Day in History: In 2008, Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich was arrested by the feds for a number of alleged crimes including attempting to sell the U.S. Senate seat opening vacated by President Barack Obama. And next year catch him on “Dancing With the Stars!”

13. Maine Secretary of State Matthew Dunlap is on Trump’s Voter Fraud Commission and is now suing the commission to find out what it’s doing, feeling he’s being left in the dark. He was last seen in a dark alley. No word yet.

14. Maine Secretary of State Matthew Dunlap is on Trump’s Voter Fraud Commission and is now suing the commission to find out what it’s doing, feeling he’s being left in the dark. (OUT OF THE SIDE OF YOUR MOUTH LIKE A SECRET): Little does he know there IS no Trump Voter Fraud Commission.

15. The Millinocket Marathon & Half were both held earlier today! I participated. But I could only do the Half.

16. This Day in History: In 2005, “Brokeback Mountain” was released in theaters. Little known fact: The original title of the film was “Not That There’s Anything Wrong With That” Mountain.

17. WWE Live at the Cross Insurance Arena in Portland tonight with their “holiday tour.” Watch, as Triple H takes a fully decorated Christmas tree with lights—and beats some guy to death.

18. Disney on Ice “Frozen” coming to Cross Insurance Arena in Portland this Wednesday. SING: “Do you really want to hear this song man?”

19. “Gotti” with John Travolta opened in theaters last night. “Gotti” is of course all about the enticing, magical world of Scientology.

20. “The Greatest Showman” the story of P.T. Barnum opens in theaters Wednesday night, starring Hugh Jackman, Zac Effron and Michelle Williams. But historians say that centuries from now, “The Greatest Showman” will refer to Donald Trump.

21. A guy went to a Waffle House in South Carolina and found the only employee there asleep. After waiting 10 minutes, he decided to hop behind the counter and make his own double Texas Bacon Cheese Steak Melt and chronical the activities on Facebook. He’s now the manager.

22. The Oak Ridge Boys are bringing their holiday tour to the Collins Center in Orono Tuesday night! But beware of catching or spreading the flu. Don’t attend if you have an (sing): “Elvirus” (ok kill me now)

23. The WWE Live at the Cross Insurance Arena is in Portland tonight with their “holiday tour”!!! Come watch, as Triple H beats a guy to death with a holiday fruit cake!

24. A guy went to a Waffle House in South Carolina and found the only employee there asleep. After waiting 10 minutes, he decided to hop behind the counter and make his own double Texas Bacon Cheese Steak Melt and chronical the activities on Facebook. He can now be seen on The Food Network in a new restaurant show called “Breakin’ & Enterin’!”

mecards2

200 band

all my shit yo

 

 

Advertisements

Band Names 12/16/17

set6

NEW BAND NAMES:

  1. The Conclusionings
  2. Roy No Moore
  3. Run Joe Run
  4. Biden His Time
  5. Eggs in a Blanket
  6. Corey, Lou ‘n Brewskies
  7. The Rotationistas
  8. Raz Putin
  9. UFO Autopsy: Gray’s Anatomy
  10. UnequiVocal

see 84 more here

all my shit yo

2000cover

 

Band Names – Dec. 3, 2017

band names
Yo yo where they at?!

NEW BAND NAMES:

  1. The Problem Areas
  2. Bart Talk O’ Moose
  3. SamSingSangSung
  4. I fought the Lauer and… I won
  5. Kanga & Roo Court
  6. Yoozgenics
  7. Poke Iman
  8. Himpeach
  9. How Much Is That Kyle in the Window?
  10. Womenstruate

see 84 more here

all my shit yo

me kara cu

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

20 New Band Names

bandnine

20 NEW BAND NAMES:

  1. The Calls of Doody
  2. Power Outrage
  3. Juan, Your Ebay
  4. Florence’s Night in a Gale
  5. Cate(gory)strophic
  6. The Burgeoning Bludgeoning
  7. LinkedIn Park
  8. Herb a Bore
  9. For I Am CGI Man, Citizens
  10. Forloin…
  11. The Differentiationings
  12. Aunt Acid
  13. Buddy Pulpit
  14. We Love the Poorly Educated
  15. The Inferred
  16. A New Outlook on Blythe
  17. We Call People “Bucko”
  18. Bludgeoned By Love
  19. The Traveling Sisterhood of Bagger Vance
  20. Availaboy

see 84 more here

all my shit

me kara cu

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

New band Names – Nov. 8, 2017

set4

NEW BAND NAMES:

  1. The See Legs
  2. Iambic Shemptameter
  3. Sank Titty of Marriage
  4. The Illiterati
  5. This is Your Brain on Cigarettes
  6. Pills Buried “D’oh!” Boy
  7. A Dick Shun
  8. Kyle Is Every Woman
  9. Abstinence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder
  10. Lennymandering
  11. The Suck Sessions
  12. Concert Penis
  13. Dark Matter(s)
  14. HR “Puffin’ Stuff” – Get It?
  15. Fill-Up On Philip
  16. The Want to Knead
  17. Sex Offenders On Ice!
  18. Ant, Bee
  19. Fuckin’ Duh in the Neighborhood
  20. Vavasextomy

see 84 more band names here

more about me/all my shit

ma kara d 1

 

Band Names 6/16/17

Salsa Band Setup

NEW BAND NAMES:

  1. The D’oh! Jones
  2. Good Night Un
  3. Secretary of Straight!
  4. James Comey-Over
  5. Oh Bleak
  6. Diarrhea Diorama
  7. Trump Change
  8. Edgewise Yo – Word
  9. I Grab ‘Em By the Monologues
  10. J’Accord!

 

see 84 more here

 

bandthree