Unused AND USED monologue jokes

Here are a few unused AND USED monologue jokes I wrote for “The Nite Show with Danny Cashman.”  Can you tell which are used or unused? Tune in tonight!

7:30 on WGME CBS 13 News, Portland
11:30 on WABI TV5/Bangor
10:30 on WPFO FOX23/Portland
12 midnight on WAGM-TV FOX 8/Presque Isleawesomenite

1. Tuesday is the day we find out if Roy Moore is elected to the US Senate in Alabama. But no matter what happens, at least we can all come together as Americans to say we’ve already elected Roy Moore in our hearts…

2. Tuesday is the day we find out if Roy Moore is elected to the US Senate in Alabama. Moore is saying that if he’s elected, he’s going to party all night with the local Girl Scout Troop.

3. Tuesday is the day we find out if Roy Moore is elected to the US Senate in Alabama. Psychiatrists warn that if he loses, he might wind up wearing his little cowboy outfit in the local sewer system.

4. As we know, Matt Lauer was fired from NBC’s Today Show & NBC News. It was discovered that he actually had a button under his desk that would lock the office door. But it is reported that Lauer never used the button when Al Roker was in there.

5. Gov. LePage is seeking a disaster declaration, and $4.7M from the feds to help pay for recovery from the wind storm in October. And as long as the Trump administration remembers that most people in Maine are white, chances are we’ll get our money.

6. Passenger Rail Service Planning “test runs” to Rockland this month, in direct response to Kim Jong Un’s latest missile launch.

7. Tuesday is the day we find out if Roy Moore is elected to the US Senate in Alabama. Roy said if he wins, he’ll be as giddy as a school girl!

8. Tuesday is the day we find out if Roy Moore is elected to the US Senate in Alabama, or will be on next year’s “Dancing With the Stars!”

9. Bangor Airport is seeing more than 500,000 passengers this year for the first time ever. And that’s just for the flights to Lewiston.

10. Ovation TV is airing its 11th annual “Battle of the Nutcrackers” starting Monday – a 5-day marathon of various productions of “The Nutcracker.” And some celebrities have signed on! One of the productions of “The Nutcracker” stars Louis CK, Matt Lauer, Al Franken, Charlie Rose, Garrison Keillor, Roger Ailes, Bill O’Reilly, Bill Clinton, and Bill Cosby. “The Nutcracker!”imageblog

11. The Patriots are tied for first in the AFC and on an 8-game win streak. The only deflated balls are now found on the opposing teams.

12. This Day in History: In 2008, Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich was arrested by the feds for a number of alleged crimes including attempting to sell the U.S. Senate seat opening vacated by President Barack Obama. And next year catch him on “Dancing With the Stars!”

13. Maine Secretary of State Matthew Dunlap is on Trump’s Voter Fraud Commission and is now suing the commission to find out what it’s doing, feeling he’s being left in the dark. He was last seen in a dark alley. No word yet.

14. Maine Secretary of State Matthew Dunlap is on Trump’s Voter Fraud Commission and is now suing the commission to find out what it’s doing, feeling he’s being left in the dark. (OUT OF THE SIDE OF YOUR MOUTH LIKE A SECRET): Little does he know there IS no Trump Voter Fraud Commission.

15. The Millinocket Marathon & Half were both held earlier today! I participated. But I could only do the Half.

16. This Day in History: In 2005, “Brokeback Mountain” was released in theaters. Little known fact: The original title of the film was “Not That There’s Anything Wrong With That” Mountain.

17. WWE Live at the Cross Insurance Arena in Portland tonight with their “holiday tour.” Watch, as Triple H takes a fully decorated Christmas tree with lights—and beats some guy to death.

18. Disney on Ice “Frozen” coming to Cross Insurance Arena in Portland this Wednesday. SING: “Do you really want to hear this song man?”

19. “Gotti” with John Travolta opened in theaters last night. “Gotti” is of course all about the enticing, magical world of Scientology.

20. “The Greatest Showman” the story of P.T. Barnum opens in theaters Wednesday night, starring Hugh Jackman, Zac Effron and Michelle Williams. But historians say that centuries from now, “The Greatest Showman” will refer to Donald Trump.

21. A guy went to a Waffle House in South Carolina and found the only employee there asleep. After waiting 10 minutes, he decided to hop behind the counter and make his own double Texas Bacon Cheese Steak Melt and chronical the activities on Facebook. He’s now the manager.

22. The Oak Ridge Boys are bringing their holiday tour to the Collins Center in Orono Tuesday night! But beware of catching or spreading the flu. Don’t attend if you have an (sing): “Elvirus” (ok kill me now)

23. The WWE Live at the Cross Insurance Arena is in Portland tonight with their “holiday tour”!!! Come watch, as Triple H beats a guy to death with a holiday fruit cake!

24. A guy went to a Waffle House in South Carolina and found the only employee there asleep. After waiting 10 minutes, he decided to hop behind the counter and make his own double Texas Bacon Cheese Steak Melt and chronical the activities on Facebook. He can now be seen on The Food Network in a new restaurant show called “Breakin’ & Enterin’!”

mecards2

200 band

all my shit yo

 

 

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Band Names 5/15/17

set7

NEW BAND NAMES:

  1. The Photo Synthesizers
  2. King Dumb Cum
  3. Exponentially Inconsequential
  4. Greta’s Van’s Cistern
  5. When Toast Goes A Rye
  6. Meadow-Malarkey
  7. Dissin’ Terry
  8. Oh Feel Ya
  9. What’s Boring as Fuck in Vegas Stays Boring as Fuck in Vegas
  10. Jizzlepuss

see 84 more here

banset

 

More unused monologue jokes for The Nite Show from last month:

200 Guest List

The Nite Show with Danny Cashman can be seen in the full state of Maine on Saturday nights.

mono for blog

• Dave Chappelle performed in Orono this past week. He was the only black person in attendance.

• “Hotel Transylvania 2” in theaters this weekend starring the voices of Adam Sandler, Selena Gomez, and Mel Brooks, who, it was reported, during the film, were involved in an off-camera love triangle.

• “The Intern” also released in theaters this weekend starring Robert De Nero and Anne Hathaway – all about the life of Jack McBrayer.

• The McDreemy-less “Grey’s Anatomy” premiered Thursday night on ABC. Many women viewers found it to be McMeaningless.

• Season premiere of “The Simpsons” tomorrow night on FOX. Also, a show called “The Last Man on Earth.” is in its 2nd season – it has been retitled. It’s now called “The Last Ensemble Cast on Earth.”

• A guy from Oklahoma lost his wedding ring in a lake in upstate New York 39 years ago…and got it back earlier this month. A resident around the lake found it, gave it to a year round resident who heard about the man who lost the ring (and still vacations there on another side of the lake) and sent it back to him. (Awwww) The man then said he also lost a thousand bucks up there somewhere…

– Muppets premiered Tuesday. Kermit and Miss Piggy are divorced in the new Office-type format, which is rated R for sexual puppet nudity.

– Under The Dome was cancelled. When asked why, CBS president Les Moonves said it just got too “dome-y.”

– First show on WGME in Portland. Hi, WGME! Why don’t you stay with us here tonight, for the full half hour? It’s me, ol’ Dan! Ha… ha… (pause) Are you still there?

• Lots of Apple festivals today, including Manchester, Livermore Falls, and Cornish. WARNING: No cinnamon allowed on the premises this year.

• This Day in History: 
• Elvis Presley made his first public appearance. He was 10 (1945); and performed the song “Hound Puppy.”

• Sinead O’ Connor ripped up a picture of the Pope on SNL (1992); To celebrate, today she ripped up a picture of Donald Trump.

– Motley Crue coming to Bangor later this month. Opening for Motley Crue will be Maine’s own Rick Charette.

• WWE Live held earlier tonight in Bangor, and tomorrow night in Portland. Now with stricter, more rigid rules and adhering to the strict rulebook.

• Also released this weekend “This is Happening” starring Cloris Leachman as a grandmother on the run with a trunk full of drugs from her granddaughter’s attempt at a drug deal. Based on a recent true story from my Mom’s life.

• “Jay Leno’s Garage” premieres this Wednesday night on CNBC – featuring Jay’s special “chin-accommodating” vehicles.

– “Haven” based on Stephen King’s “The Colorado Kid” premieres this Thursday night on Syfy in its final season. The final season is purportedly all about the Vinal Haven girl’s basketball team.

This Day in History:
– Elvis Presley made his first public appearance. He was 10 (1945). An old man at the time showed Elvis the ropes of how to do television. That man? Maine’s own George Hale.

– “The Andy Griffith Show” & “Mr. Ed” both premiered today (1961); in a little known crossover episode, the horse changed places with Aunt Bee.

– Sinead O’ Connor ripped up a picture of the Pope on SNL (1992). To celebrate, today she ripped up an AARP newsletter.

– Gary Larson announced he was done doing “The Far Side” cartoon (1994); animals around the globe wondered how they were going to stay current.

– O.J. Simpson was found “not guilty” for murder (1995) but was found “guilty” of charges of kidnapping and armed robbery on this day in 2008… To this day, he still promises to look for the killer, the kidnapper, the armed robber…. the—

– Happy Birthday Al Sharpton (61); All his lost weight is apparently going to his hair.

My UNUSED MONOLOGUE JOKES for The Nite Show that aired Sep. 19

My UNUSED MONOLOGUE JOKES for The Nite Show with Danny Cashman episode that aired Sep. 19:

– Brian Williams returns to TV later this week on MSNBC. In a bold move, he will be doing the whole show from a moving helicopter.

– The Pope is coming to America this week. Word is, he’s coming to bless all the transgendered.

– “Law & Order” turned 25 years old this week. Would anyone like to come over to my house tonight to watch season 2 on VHS? I’ll order pizza!

– Dave Chappelle will be performing at the Merrill Auditorium Tuesday night and the Collins Center for the Arts this Wednesday night. It’s predicted he may be the only black person in attendance.

– The 38th annual Bangor Gun Show was last weekend at the Cross Insurance Center. Good news to report! Only two deaths this year.

– Trail’s End Festival in Millinocket this weekend surrounding the final point on the Appalachian Trail. This year’s theme? Taco Bell!

Trump is leading the Republican candidates – in long, flowing, golden, sexy locks – am I right?

Arnold Schwarzenegger has been named to be the next host of Celebrity Apprentice. Arnold promises that on the show, there will be more guns, tanks, explosions, and CGI.

Actress Helen Mirren has recently said that men putting their arms around their girlfriends is “like ownership.” Donald Trump responded by putting his arm tightly around his latest wife.

A new study shows that Hunter-Gatherers in the Paleolithic Era ate oats, at least 32,000 years ago. That’s the oldest known consumption of oats. Interestingly, some of those old, exact same oats are currently being used to make Product 19.

Paula Dean is back on TV after her racist comments, as a contestant on Dancing With the Stars. After her first dance, she said, “I was scared – I had white underwear when I started, but it probably ain’t white no more.”  It’s reported, however, that her beliefs are still about as white as they come.

Ayatollah Khamenei said recently that if America ever went to war with Iran, America would be humiliated. America then turned the channel to watch Dancing With the Stars.

Gerald Casale, Singer of Devo, Says His 9/11-Themed Wedding Reception was planned by a friend – but the Attack-on-Pearl-Harbor-themed honeymoon was all his idea.

Woody Harrelson will star in the New ‘Planet of the Apes’ Film, reports say – as a hipster, blond, California-type ape.

Moss Landing, California: Sanctuary Cruises Shares Video of Humpback Whale Jumping Onto 2 Kayakers – When asked why he did it, the whale said, “It was just too easy.”

Nichelle Nichols, who played Lieutenant Uhura on the Star Trek series, will be visiting NASA’s Stratospheric Observatory for Infrared Astronomy. She is scheduled to fly on the aircraft, which will be observing a protostar in the constellation. The party will start when she says, “All hailing frequencies open, Captain.”

Fred DeLuca: Co-Founder and CEO of Sandwich Chain Subway Dies at Age 67, after a great final year…

Collooney, Ireland: Remains of 1,000-Year-Old Skeleton Discovered in Roots of Fallen Tree. The skeleton was found clutching a crude drawing of the man who decimated his Village – George Hale.

– Houlton Riverfront Harvest Festival was today. Award for “Most Erotic Gourd.”

This Day in History:

“Doogie Howser, M.D.” premiered on ABC in the year… wait for it…  1989.

 

Orville Reddenbacher passed away at the age of 88 (1995); it’s said death hasn’t changed his face much.

– Happy Birthday: Jimmy Fallon (41); My brother (Tuesday);  My brother is a lot like Jimmy Fallon, always saying how I’m the best and I’m so great!

Steelers accuse Pats of cheating within the first quarter. After the game, they then accused the Pats of winning.

My Unused Monologue Jokes for The Nite Show

mono for blog

Hecklo, all! Here are two-shows-worth of unused monologue jokes I wrote for the latest two episodes of The Nite Show with Danny Cashman:

Air Date: Dec. 13 (Gov. Paul LePage)

– Gov. LePage on the show tonight, to gloat…

– Gov. LePage on the show tonight, once Chris Christie opened the Penobscot River Bridge.

– New Legislature began work last week – that’s the joke.

– Senate District 25 still in question – Democrat won by 32 votes, but during recount 21 new ballots were found, all for the republican, giving the republican the victory in the recount. Republican is currently the person sitting in the Senate, but it’s still being disputed. We’ve been asked tonight to ask you, our audience, an important question. Now, please look through your jacket pockets and any other pockets you have. Have you found any ballots? If you find a ballot, bring it up to the stage and give it to Joe.

– Sully Erna – lead singer of Godsmack – performed last night at The Gracie Theater – but only performed music from Sesame Street.

– Holiday parades were canceled last week in Bangor & Ellsworth due to weather. The Weather Channel now predicts that all holidays themselves will be cancelled this winter due to weather. Sorry, kids!

– Student at Mattanawcook Academy severed a finger on a table saw last month, so last week school officials replaced the table saw with a “safer” one: It has no “on” button.

– Bangor Daily News found a new location in Downtown Bangor, leaving their home for the last 60+ years. Word is, the Daily News work cubicles have been downsized to “sardine level.”

– Ogunquit Christmas by the Sea is this weekend. An award will be given out for the most lively “Wreath of Live Squid.”

– Winterfest at Sunday River this weekend, and, down by the river, there will be a Shrinkage Contest at the main tent.

– Rumford Festival of Trees was today. In this year’s big contest, Charlie Brown’s Christmas tree won.

– Southern Maine Christmas Parade in Wells is tomorrow, with a huge ending this year: The Parade Of A Thousand Mall Santas.

– Charles Manson is getting married to a 26-year-old. Asked why, he said he wanted to feel young again – all spry, full of hope, all “kill-y”…

– “Michael Buble’s Christmas in New York” airs Wednesday on NBC. Word is, he’s changing his name. You know, like how Snoop Dawg became Snoop Lion? Michael Buble is now known as “Mickey Bubbles.”

–  The 60th anniversary of Irving Berlin’s “White Christmas” opens in theaters in select cities tomorrow, inciting more race riots across America.

This Day in History: 

First music store in America opened in Philadelphia (1759); with a sale on Peavy amps and wah pedals.

The clip-on tie was designed (1928); its first slogan was “for the dork on the go.”

The Maine Turnpike opened to traffic (1947); bringing into Maine all those damn people from away.

James Dean began his career with an appearance in a Pepsi commercial (1950); but the following year got his trademark bad-boy pout with an appearance in a Moxie commercial.

VP Al Gore delivered his concession speech vs. George W. Bush (2000); the missing ballots were later found in Maine’s District 25.

Happy Birthday today to: Ted Nugent (66) and Taylor Swift (25)! Both are very different of course: One has long pretty hair and likes to go hunting for males, the other being Taylor Swift.

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Air Date: Dec. 20 (Miss Maine USA Heather Elwell / Holiday Performance)

–         Christmas is Thursday – Can you feel it?—the Good Santa, the Bad Santa, all the Santas…

–         Hanukah began Tuesday – despite a devastating explosion at the Dradle Plant in Flushing.

–         Craig Ferguson’s final “Late Late Show” aired last night on CBS. Craig has been cited skipping across many fields and streets in joy.

–         Collins Center for the Arts in Orono hosted “The Nutcracker” earlier today and will again tomorrow, but this isn’t the classic version. This version stars Mr. Peanut and his pal Filbert, who live in a fantasy land of nuts that need cracking.

–         “It’s a Wonderful Life” will air as usual on Christmas Eve on NBC at 8. – but this year all the music will be done by Metallica.

–         “Into the Woods” opens in theaters on Christmas Day, starring Maine’s own Anna Kendrick as Cinderella. – Ironic, since Anna Kendrick has never been in the Maine woods.

This Day in History:

Bob Hope became an American citizen (1920); even though Donald Trump still has yet to approve his birth certificate.

NBC Broadcast the Jets win over the Dolphins without audio (1980); Little Known Fact:  It was Larry the Cable Guy’s first job in TV.

Howard Cosell retired after 20 years with ABC (1985); and after 20,000 comedians did his impression.

Donald Trump married Marla Maples (1993). That was like 10 wives ago. In an interview with Barbara Walters, Maples stated that she was attracted to Trump’s hair more than his money.