28 MORE UNUSED JOKES FOR THE NITE SHOW

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28 MORE O’ MY UNUSED JOKES FOR THE NITE SHOW:

  1. Rep. Larry Lockman spoke Thursday night at USM about “the failure of America’s ‘open border’ policy.” And, he left his dressing room a mess. But luckily, a few undocumented Mexican workers were nearby to clean it for cheap.
  1. My mom’s birthday is a week from today. And remember, what happens at my Mom’s birthday party stays at my Mom’s birthday party.
  1.  Happy Birthday: Yoko Ono (84); Yoko celebrated by performing an art piece in Manhattan, where she screamed into a harp for an hour and then threw it to the floor. It’s said to be her best work.
  1.  Bangor Symphony Orchestra is performing the music from Star Wars next weekend at the Collins Center for the Arts in Orono, and in a special ode to Steve Bannon, they will perform the Darth Vader theme twice.
  1.  Major League Baseball is talking about a rule change, where in extra innings teams would start with a runner already on 2ndbase. And, if it gets to the 11th inning, the centerfielder will have to play while wearing the team’s mascot outfit.
  1.  St. Louis University lost a tough game to St. Bonaventure last month, and when they went to get on their bus and head home, the bus was nowhere to be found. Turns out the bus driver – and the bus – were found, 40 miles from the arena, and the bus driver’s Blood Alcohol Level was 0.22, which is more than 5x the legal limit. In a stunning move, Trump has decided to make the driver Secretary of Transportation.
  1. This Day in History:  Paul McCartney became a knight (1997); and little known fact, a year later he became a ninja.
  1.  A man from Appleton, ME was crowned the champion of a show called “Alone” on the History Channel, earning him a $500,000 prize. He got home to find that his mother-in-law had moved in with his wife and kids. So, he called the History channel and asked, “Double or nothing?”
  1.  MLB – spring training has begun! Sox played Northeastern on Thursday and played their first MLB games yesterday (Mets) and today (Twins). Pablo Sandoval came to Spring Training early and 40 lbs lighter. Experts say it might be as much as one full month until he gains it back.
  1.  Bangor Symphony Orchestra is performing the music from Star Wars next weekend at the Collins Center for the Arts in Orono, in a special production called “The Return of Jar Jar.”
  1.  America’s Mattress Race was held earlier today at Shawnee Peak in Bridgton, where mattresses of all sizes are used to slide down the mountain. I was there, in fact. Yup. Went with my wife and my 2 daughters. We brought the family couch!
  1.  My father’s birthday is Thursday. It’s going to be quite a party—shhhh, don’t tell him—I’ve already hired the mimes!

 

CASHNAC THE MAGNIFICENT:

  1.  ANSWER:     Intern

      QUESTION:  Where does the minnow go?

  1.  A: Disjoint

      Q: What is now legal in Maine?

  1.  A: Bernie Sanders

      Q: Name a new pecan-flavored Girl Scout cookie.

  1.  A: Inmate

      Q: Name a place a husband goes with his wife.

  1.  A: Jorge!

      Q: What does a guy yell at a hooker who’s running away with his money?

  1.  A: Tamiflu

      Q: What did Tammy do on cold medicine?

  1.  A: Send in the Clowns

      Q: What happens at a press conference at the White House?

  1.  A: Maybelline

      Q: What does Mabel do when she’s tired?

  1.  A: Where lucky old record albums wind up

      Q: What is Vinal Haven?

  1.  A: Squeal, cry, make mistakes

      Q: Name 3 things Adele did at the Grammys.

  1.  A: Kramer, Jerry, Elaine

      Q: Name 3 people with better phones than George Hale

  1. A: Splotch

      Q: What is the sound of Donald Trump getting into the bathtub?

  1. A: The White House

      Q: What does Steve Bannon want to see inside the White House?

  1. A: Shake n Bake

      Q: What did Maine stoners do when pot was legalized?

  1. A: Trains, planes and automobiles

      Q: Name 3 places you can’t find an Amish person.

  1. A: Dodge ball

      Q: What do wrestlers do?

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MY UNUSED MONOLOGUE JOKES FOR THE NITE SHOW:

200 bandUNUSED MONOLOGUES JOKES FOR THE NITE SHOW:

  1. Halloween is Monday – I’m going as a tall Bruce Poliquin.
  1. Halloween is Monday, and here’s a helpful Halloween tip for those still without a costume. First, find a red tie. Next, get a small pumpkin. Lightly beat the pumpkin with a hammer, and put it on your head. You have a costume!
  1. Jay Leno’s Garage premieres Wednesday night on CNBC. In the premiere, Jay is working on an old Edsel, and uses his chin to loosen rusted bolts.
  1. “Dr. Strange” – Marvel comic book movie – was released in theaters last night.  Little known fact: “Dr. Strange” is based on the life of Ben Carson.
  1. – Happy Birthday:Roy Rogers (would be 105 today) – but he’d have a robot body and a liquid metal head that fires lasers.
  1. Tomorrow is “World Kindness Day” encouraging everyone to be kind to others, creating a nicer world. The keynote speaker? Trump.
  1. Happy Birthday: Tonya Harding (46) and Charles Manson (82), who, experts say, would make a great couple.
  1. This date – Nov. 5 – was the date Marty McFly returned to in 1955 in “Back to the Future.” –  Which was right before the time line changed and Biff became like Trump.
  1. “Dr. Strange” – Marvel comic book movie – was released in theaters last night. It’s all about the life of Dr. Phil.
  1. Election Day was Tuesday, and an old friend visited me. I spent the day hanging with Chad.  (That might be the worst joke I ever wrote.)
  1. Happy Birthday: Tonya Harding (46) and Charles Manson (82) Tonya Harding and Charles Manson are very different of course. One cunningly convinced people to hurt women, the other being Charles Manson.
  1. Tom “Bones” Malone is on the show tonight. Tom of course is named after the show “Bones” on FOX.
  1. Trump has appointed Steve Bannon as White House Chief Strategist. Bannon is a hatchet-job propagandist for the Alt-Right and courts the KKK… I guess it’s nice, in a way. We’ll finally get some closure from the Civil War.
  1. Electoral College Electors cast votes 1 month from today for President. They are not bound to cast votes based on states’ votes, so there is a petition circulating to convince Trump-electors to vote for Clinton instead. But don’t worry. FBI Director James Cole is on the case. He’s scrambling to find more unread Hillary emails.
  1. People still in disbelief that Donald Trump is president-elect. And some are still in disbelief about his hair.
  1. Pingree and Poliquin both won re-election to Congress. To celebrate, they held a Bill-Block Party.
  1. Patriots continue rolling over the opposition after Tom Brady’s suspension, and ever since more air was put into the balls.
  1. The “I Love the 90s” Tour will return to the Cross Insurance Center in May with a new lineup including Coolio, C&C Music Factory, Mark McGrath of Sugar Ray, Naughty by Nature, and Kid N’ Play, and the cast of 2 Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place.
  1. “Bad Santa 2” opens Wednesday night. The Santa in this one will be really really bad, with orange hair and a red tie.
  1. “A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving” airs Wednesday night at 8 on ABC. Mmmmm… cartoon meat…
  1. “American Music Awards” being held tomorrow night on ABC, expected to feature performances by Bruno Mars, Fifth Harmony, Green Day and that She-Bang She-Bang guy.
  1. The “Double Dare” 30thanniversary special airs Wednesday night at 9 on Nickelodeon (“Nick at Nite”). Special vats of “designer slime” have been flown in from Paris for the event.
  1. Christmas Tree lightings in Waterville, Portland, and other Maine towns next weekend. Every Christmas tree this year will sport a Donald Trump wig at the top.
  1. Happy Birthday: Calvin Klein (73) from Back to the Future fame.
  1. Dolly Parton’s new Christmas special “Coat of Many Colors” airs next Saturday night on NBC. Little known fact, NBC changed the name at the last minute, from “Bra Of Many Colors.”
  1. “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” premieres Tuesday night on Bravo, now with slight name change. It’s now called “The Really Edited Housewives of Beverly Hills.”
  1. 40thannual Chester Greenwood Day held today in Farmington – Greenwood was the inventor of the earmuffs, made most famous as Princess Leia’s hair in Star Wars.
  1. Norah Jones is performing a sold out show Friday night at the State Theater in Portland. I don’t know what I’m going to do with all those seats to myself!
  1. This Day in History:The first TV broadcast in Hawaii was conducted (1952): The show was called “Don Ho’s Ukulele Collection.”
  1. Happy Birthday:Ozzy Osborne (68); What’s that? Oh, this just in: Ozzy threw up on the cake again.
  1. Auburn Winter Festival is this weekend. This year, there’ll be a Polar Bear Plunge, followed by a Shrinkage Contest for the men at the Main Tent.
  1. President Trump was Inaugurated last week. To make sure it was a classy event, Trump only used a minimal amount of strippers and pole-dancers.
  1. Today is “Data Privacy Day” followed tomorrow by “Worf Coming Out Day.”
  1. Today is “National Blueberry Pancake Day” and tomorrow is “Chemical-Fake Blueberry-Muffin Day.”
  1. “Dancing with the Stars Live” was at the Cross Insurance Center in Bangor earlier this month. The hugest star at the event? That Gangnam Style guy.
  1. Next weekend our show is in Westbrook for 2 weeks at the Westbrook Performing Arts Center. So Westbrook, if you see a whole lot of loud bikers roll into town, flinging cigarette butts everywhere… that’s not us.

This Day in History:

  1. The Lego company patented the design of their Lego bricks, which are still compatible with bricks produced today (1958); and more reliable than the steel from China that Trump uses in his buildings.
  1. O.J. Simpson was drafted by the Buffalo Bills from USC with the first pick in the NFL Draft (1969); he was given the young nickname, “Bronco Bill.”
  1. “Barnaby Jones” premiered on CBS (1973); interestingly, the age demographic for the show was also 73.
  1. John Kerry was voted to succeed Hillary Clinton as Secretary of State (2013). Even though it was a happy occasion for Kerry, people still asked him, “Why the long face?”

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My Unused Monologue Jokes for The Nite Show

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Hecklo, all! Here are two-shows-worth of unused monologue jokes I wrote for the latest two episodes of The Nite Show with Danny Cashman:

Air Date: Dec. 13 (Gov. Paul LePage)

– Gov. LePage on the show tonight, to gloat…

– Gov. LePage on the show tonight, once Chris Christie opened the Penobscot River Bridge.

– New Legislature began work last week – that’s the joke.

– Senate District 25 still in question – Democrat won by 32 votes, but during recount 21 new ballots were found, all for the republican, giving the republican the victory in the recount. Republican is currently the person sitting in the Senate, but it’s still being disputed. We’ve been asked tonight to ask you, our audience, an important question. Now, please look through your jacket pockets and any other pockets you have. Have you found any ballots? If you find a ballot, bring it up to the stage and give it to Joe.

– Sully Erna – lead singer of Godsmack – performed last night at The Gracie Theater – but only performed music from Sesame Street.

– Holiday parades were canceled last week in Bangor & Ellsworth due to weather. The Weather Channel now predicts that all holidays themselves will be cancelled this winter due to weather. Sorry, kids!

– Student at Mattanawcook Academy severed a finger on a table saw last month, so last week school officials replaced the table saw with a “safer” one: It has no “on” button.

– Bangor Daily News found a new location in Downtown Bangor, leaving their home for the last 60+ years. Word is, the Daily News work cubicles have been downsized to “sardine level.”

– Ogunquit Christmas by the Sea is this weekend. An award will be given out for the most lively “Wreath of Live Squid.”

– Winterfest at Sunday River this weekend, and, down by the river, there will be a Shrinkage Contest at the main tent.

– Rumford Festival of Trees was today. In this year’s big contest, Charlie Brown’s Christmas tree won.

– Southern Maine Christmas Parade in Wells is tomorrow, with a huge ending this year: The Parade Of A Thousand Mall Santas.

– Charles Manson is getting married to a 26-year-old. Asked why, he said he wanted to feel young again – all spry, full of hope, all “kill-y”…

– “Michael Buble’s Christmas in New York” airs Wednesday on NBC. Word is, he’s changing his name. You know, like how Snoop Dawg became Snoop Lion? Michael Buble is now known as “Mickey Bubbles.”

–  The 60th anniversary of Irving Berlin’s “White Christmas” opens in theaters in select cities tomorrow, inciting more race riots across America.

This Day in History: 

First music store in America opened in Philadelphia (1759); with a sale on Peavy amps and wah pedals.

The clip-on tie was designed (1928); its first slogan was “for the dork on the go.”

The Maine Turnpike opened to traffic (1947); bringing into Maine all those damn people from away.

James Dean began his career with an appearance in a Pepsi commercial (1950); but the following year got his trademark bad-boy pout with an appearance in a Moxie commercial.

VP Al Gore delivered his concession speech vs. George W. Bush (2000); the missing ballots were later found in Maine’s District 25.

Happy Birthday today to: Ted Nugent (66) and Taylor Swift (25)! Both are very different of course: One has long pretty hair and likes to go hunting for males, the other being Taylor Swift.

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Air Date: Dec. 20 (Miss Maine USA Heather Elwell / Holiday Performance)

–         Christmas is Thursday – Can you feel it?—the Good Santa, the Bad Santa, all the Santas…

–         Hanukah began Tuesday – despite a devastating explosion at the Dradle Plant in Flushing.

–         Craig Ferguson’s final “Late Late Show” aired last night on CBS. Craig has been cited skipping across many fields and streets in joy.

–         Collins Center for the Arts in Orono hosted “The Nutcracker” earlier today and will again tomorrow, but this isn’t the classic version. This version stars Mr. Peanut and his pal Filbert, who live in a fantasy land of nuts that need cracking.

–         “It’s a Wonderful Life” will air as usual on Christmas Eve on NBC at 8. – but this year all the music will be done by Metallica.

–         “Into the Woods” opens in theaters on Christmas Day, starring Maine’s own Anna Kendrick as Cinderella. – Ironic, since Anna Kendrick has never been in the Maine woods.

This Day in History:

Bob Hope became an American citizen (1920); even though Donald Trump still has yet to approve his birth certificate.

NBC Broadcast the Jets win over the Dolphins without audio (1980); Little Known Fact:  It was Larry the Cable Guy’s first job in TV.

Howard Cosell retired after 20 years with ABC (1985); and after 20,000 comedians did his impression.

Donald Trump married Marla Maples (1993). That was like 10 wives ago. In an interview with Barbara Walters, Maples stated that she was attracted to Trump’s hair more than his money.