Band Names 12/26/21


7221. The Implorening

7222. E-Blunderbuss-Unum

7223. Datin’ Ohio

7224. The 2nd Coming of Santa

7225. Booty Judge

7226. Fertile Liza

7227. Santa’s Sack

7228. Surely Hemp Fill

7229. L’il Lummox ‘n Oafy-G

7230. Pentupatonix

Bands Rolling Stone doesn’t know about!

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  1. The Dudebonic Plague
  2. Anna Phil Actin’ Shocked
  3. Brag A Douche-io
  4. Mommy Does She Have a Penis?
  5. Susan’s Boil
  6. Staff A’ La Caucus
  7. Jerry Mathering
  8. Spelunky Monkey
  9. Everybody Connie Chung Tonight
  10. Hippopotaboy

see 84 more here

my shit yo

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Hello from the 4500 islands off Maine.



20 New Band Names 6/18/19



  1. The Artful Bludger
  2. Zach Galafuluffugus
  3. 2-Paq Liquor
  4. Zima: Warrior Princess
  5. Bebe Brexit
  6. Those 3 Distinct Bad-Peanut Tastes
  7. Toy Yoda & Han Die
  8. Photographic Mamory
  9. H-E-Double-Hockey Fucking Sticks
  10. Shempgate
  11. The Air of Parent
  12. Urine the Money
  13. A Leg Gory
  14. Ready, Willing, Cain and Abel
  15. The Fella Knees
  16. When You Buy Loco
  17. Magpie Pie
  18. William The Foe
  19. The Known Kyleverse
  20. Beelzebuddy

 see 84 more here

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Used/Unused Monologue Jokes – Air Date 2/24/18

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Air Date: February 24 (Jeff & Lou from the Q Morning Show / Heart Shaped Rock)

– Earlier this month, an adjunct professor was replaced at Southern New Hampshire University after giving a student a failing grade because she thought Australia was a country. The university apologized and fired the professor. In his defense, the professor said he didn’t think she said Australia, he thought she said Austria.

– Today is “World Sword Swallowers Day.” So I apologize if I’m a little hoarse during tonight’s monologue…

– Today is “World Sword Swallowers Day.” So if you notice gunk all over your sword, you’ll know why.

– We’re officially in Lent, which began about a week and a half ago. As you can clearly see, I’ve given up comedy for Lent.

– A Romanian University study shows that it is safe to eat half-day old snow, and even safer in the colder months. And they did the study in Brooklyn!

– “The Walking Dead” season 8 premieres tomorrow night at 9 on AMC. Also titled “The Walking Dead?” Bernie Sander’s new presidential campaign.  

– Season 4 of “Gotham” premiered on FOX Thursday night at 8. In it, Congressman Bruce Poliquin made his acting debut as a new character called The Polipenguin.

– Natalie Portman’s big blockbuster “Annihilation” hit theaters last night. “Annihilation” is the story of what Congressman Bruce Poliquin’s DNA did to his height.

– Today is “Tortilla Chip Day” followed tomorrow by “Flavored-Chemical-Dust Day.”

– Tomorrow is “Girls in Sports Day” with a large focus on it at the University of Maine women’s basketball game against University at Albany. And leading a parade with a baton will be “America’s First Girl” – Richard Simmons!

– The Red Sox played their first Spring Training game of the season yesterday against the Twins. After the game, one of the backup catchers was elated because his average has never been as high as 250.

– The Red Sox played their first Spring Training game of the season yesterday against the Twins. David Price didn’t play, but is already on the disabled list until probably September.

– “Game Night” premiered in theaters last night – a thriller about a group of friends who meet routinely for game nights and realize the murder mystery game they are playing is actually for real, but the only way to get through it is to keep playing the game. Sounds like Yahtzee Night with Brent and Linda, am I right?

       This Day in History: 

In 2014, a 4.4 billion year old crystal is discovered to be the oldest known fragment from the Earth’s crust. But since then, scientists have learned it was just a ring lost by George Hale.

In 2014, a 4.4 billion year old crystal is discovered to be the oldest known fragment from the Earth’s crust. The second oldest known fragment is 3 billion years old. It’s part of a tie clip from Larry King.

In 1998, Elton John was knighted by Queen Elizabeth II at Buckingham Palace. Word is, he came away with a nasty case of “sword burn.”

Highest price ever paid for a pig – $42,500 – in Stamford, TX (1979); Word is, the pig had an agent.

all my shit yo

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Used & Unused Monologue Jokes, air date 2/17/18

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The Nite Show with Danny Cashman, Air Date Feb. 17, 2018:

– Gov. LePage’s final State of the State Address was Tuesday night. Lepage said union dues is extortion money, and leads to robots being used in factories. He said he hasn’t used an ATM machine in 7 years, because he hates robots and doesn’t trust them. But, he admitted, he IS rather fond of that “BB8.”

– Lepage said he hates robots and doesn’t trust them. Especially that Nancy Pelosi.

LePage said he urges Congress not to throw old couples out of their homes, or give up on old couples when they keep making mistakes in their Dysarts commercial. (buttrary flakeful clucks.)

LePage said he won’t expand Medicaid unless he knows how they’ll pay for it. “Show me the money!” he said. And later, on the issue of prisons, he said “Release the Kracken!”

– LePage said that overall, Maine cities are more compassionate than Maine small towns. This turned the town of Alton into a war zone.

– Presidents Day is Monday. Word is, Trump has been given extra-strength orange carpet tape in case there’s a wind.

– The first full spring training team workout for the 2018 Boston Red Sox is Monday. David Price is expected to last about 2 hours into the workout before going back on the DL until September.

– The first full spring training team workout for the 2018 Boston Red Sox is Monday. John Farrell will celebrate at home by watching his “stories.”

– Oakhurst Dairy settled the “Oxford Comma debate,” about a very important coma in a contract with the drivers, who won the settlement with a $5 million dollar payout. And now, drivers for Hood ice cream are suing for 6 million dollars in a new huge “Gerund debate.”   OR:   “Semi-Colon debate.”   “All-Caps debate.”   “Caps-Lock debate.”

– Oakhurst Dairy settled the Oxford Comma debate – which was an overtime dispute with drivers due to an Oxford Comma in a contract. The settlement was a $5 million payout to the drivers. The comma is now officially known as the “Oakhurst Comma.”

– L.L. Bean has announced they will no longer honor the return policy they have held for more than 100 years. But employees are now required to model any clothing the purchaser chooses.

– Today is “Random Act of Kindness Day.” And if ya don’t like it, shut up and to hell with ya!

– Today is “Random Act of Kindness Day.” But don’t expect anything from Eagles fans.

– A man from Orrington says he fought off a black bear that attacked his puppy in the woods recently, partially by “sticking his finger in the bear’s eye.” In a related story, Steve Bannon has been spotted wearing an eyepatch.

– First week of the 2018 Winter Olympics are in the books from Pyong Chang, South Korea. Or as many call it, the “first week of no This Is Us.”

– First week of the 2018 Winter Olympics are in the books from Pyeong Chang, South Korea. The second week will take place in Wang Chung.

– Valentine’s Day was Wednesday. An’ allz I got was a rock…

Katahdin Area Winterfest started yesterday and runs all week. It kicked off with a snowmobile parade last night and a number of events today. And hey all boys, teen boys, and men – remember to take part in the artistic “Yellow Snow Contest!”

– North & South Korea shared a historic handshake at the Olympic games. Word is, Trump wished he would have been there to shake their hands and hold both hands for an uncomfortably long time.

– The 14th annual Chocolate Festival is being held tomorrow in Greenville. So hey ladies, if your man isn’t cuttin’ it lately, c’mon down to the Chocolate Festival!

– The Thompson Ice House Museum is holding their annual ice harvest starting tomorrow at 9 a.m. Now with Sno Cone syrup!

  This Day in History: 

In 1969, Bob Dylan and Johnny Cash record an album that was never released.  And years later, the CD was also never released.

In 1969, Bob Dylan and Johnny Cash record an album that was never released.  It was titled, “All About Oats.”

all my shit yo

200 Joe

me kara cu

Used & Unused Monologue Jokes for Nite Show Feb. 10. airing:

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Air Date: February 10 

– The reboot of “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” became available on NetFlix earlier this week. In the first episode, they help Steve Bannon shave and pick out drapes.

– “Fifty Shades Freed” – the final installment in the “Fifty Shades” series is in theaters Friday night. In this one, shades 100 to 150 will be explored. And as always, in Maine, complimentary cleaning materials will be given out with each ticket. Remember Maine, keep your 50 shades theater seating areas clean!

– “Fifty Shades Freed” – the final installment in the “Fifty Shades” series is in theaters Friday night. Local theaters remind us that it makes for a great family night out!

– moe. is performing at the State Theatre Friday and Saturday night, next weekend, in Portland. Opening for moe. will be the new band shemp.

– Series premiere of “Our Cartoon President” is tomorrow night, based on the Stephen Colbert cartoon version of President Trump. And for all Americans, “Our Cartoon President” is on TV every night!

– The Maine Home Show is this weekend at Portland’s Cross Insurance Arena. An award will be given out for the “Sexiest Cement Pour.”

– This month is Brunswick Longfellow Days honoring Henry Wadsworth Longfellow including a party with cake and a community poetry reading. Stephen King will give a respectful reading—dressed as a sewer clown.

– U.S. National Toboggan Championships are this weekend in Camden at the Snow Bowl with teams of four whizzing down a 400 foot long chute. Sounds like a couples night out with Brent and Linda, am I right?

This Day in History:

In 1979, “Do Ya Think I’m Sexy?” by Rod Stewart peaked at #1. But now it’s official! Rod Stewart has officially stopped asking if we think he’s sexy.

“Miami Vice” 100th episode seen on NBC (1989); in the episode, Crockett and Tubbs posed sexily with guns to loud synthesizers.

Kanye West released “The College Dropout” (2004); right before getting a degree in advanced astrophysics from Harvard.

In 2005, Charles, Prince of Wales, announced his engagement to Camilla Parker Bowles. At the star-studded event, celebratory eatin’-hay was placed around the room with a carrot for after.

In 2016, Chris Christie suspended his campaign, and added industrial strength suspenders to his pants.

all my shit yo

me winslow



Unused Monologue Jokes for 1/31/18 Taping


 Unused Monologue jokes for The Nite Show with Danny Cashman:


  1. Did anyone watch Trump’s State of the Union? However you feel about it, he did well in some aspects: He was able to keep his dentures firmly planted, and 2. his hair was especially full and golden. Word is, they got the guy who did Cher on board the makeup team.


  1. Did anyone watch Trump’s State of the Union? There were a few things he didn’t mention, like school shootings and Russia. But hey America, word is Putin gave the speech a big red thumbs up!


  1. Rumor is that John Kerry is going to run for President. The press is already hounding him, asking that if he’s running for office, why the long face?


  1. A Sacramento, California lawmaker is facing criticism for a bill that, if passed, would make it illegal for servers to offer plastic straws unless asked, punishable by up to 6 months in jail and a $1000 fine. And using a plastic stirrer for your coffee? Punishable by life.


  1. Elton John announced he’s retiring from touring after his next tour. Word is, his next big hit is coming out soon, and it’s called “Saturday Night’s Alright for Binging Dawson’s Creek.”


  1. Camden Winterfest is now through Tuesday with ice carvings, polar plunge and more! You know what I like to do at the annual Winterfest in Camden? I show up with snow cone syrup and go to town!


  1. Kitten Bowl starts at noon on Hallmark, and TLC has the Puppy Bowl, and over on E! is the Spoiled Rich Girl Purse-Dog Bowl.


  1. Truck Day for the Red Sox is Monday – the day after the Super Bowl. That’s the day when the truck full of Red Sox gear travels from Fenway Park to the Spring Training home of the Sox in Florida. But luckily it’ll be a much lighter load this year, without all of Pablo Sandoval’s sports-girdles. (Sports-spanks.)


  1. The Grammy’s were last weekend, on CBS. And once again at the Grammy’s, all Nanas were snubbed.


  1. Bangor Region Chamber of Commerce handed out annual awards last week. The most important was the Award For Best Pizza-Ordering.


  1. Bangor Region Chamber of Commerce handed out annual awards last week. The most important was the Award For The Most-Ignored Business!


  1. Bangor Region Chamber of Commerce handed out annual awards last week. The most important was the Award For Sexiest Zoning Ordinance.


  1. Vice President Joe Biden was in Portland Wednesday night at the Merrill Auditorium. A surprise of the night came when a laser light show began and Biden performed Eminem‘s latest album “Revival” in full.


  1. “Maine Examiner” website – posted as News website although without attribution regarding story authors, funders, or sources for stories. State Republican Party director Jason Savage’s name has been associated with a number of things on the website, although the party denies involvement. Vladimir Putin has been called to Maine to settle the dispute.


  1. Mid-Maine Chamber of commerce is hosting a business breakfast seminar on Thursday morning focusing on “Why Your Employees are Just Not Into You, and What to Do About It.” Hosting the seminar? Donald Trump.


  1. So… the former Jackman Town Manager has white separatist views and is mad at the media for exposing it. He’s also mad at the media for exposing that he’s fat and bald.


  1. “Calling All Cabernets” wine tasting was last night in Bar Harbor. Chardonnay drinkers picketed outside.


  1. Camden Winterfest is now through Tuesday with ice carvings, polar plunge and more! And for those men taking the polar plunge, there will be a special Shrinkage Contest at the Main Tent.


me winslow

old set – me yelling at Gov. Paul LePage





  1. The Titillationings
  2. J’recuse!
  3. See Alice For Men
  4. A Couple ‘a Thruples
  5. Unresting Bitch Face
  6. We Can’t Handle the Truth
  7. Deepocket Oprah
  8. Ramparts & Shit
  9. One Of These Kyles Is Not Like The Other
  10. Clogjam
  11. The Incendiary
  12. Erectile This Function
  13. Sue Aside
  14. The Middle of the Week
  15. Bedside Manor
  16. St. Elmo-From-Sesame-St’s Fire
  17. Chicago Ill Annoy
  18. Bob Eucharist
  19. We Promise Not To Operate Heavy Machinery
  20. Cornhenge

see 84 more here













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  1. Rep. Larry Lockman spoke Thursday night at USM about “the failure of America’s ‘open border’ policy.” And, he left his dressing room a mess. But luckily, a few undocumented Mexican workers were nearby to clean it for cheap.
  1. My mom’s birthday is a week from today. And remember, what happens at my Mom’s birthday party stays at my Mom’s birthday party.
  1.  Happy Birthday: Yoko Ono (84); Yoko celebrated by performing an art piece in Manhattan, where she screamed into a harp for an hour and then threw it to the floor. It’s said to be her best work.
  1.  Bangor Symphony Orchestra is performing the music from Star Wars next weekend at the Collins Center for the Arts in Orono, and in a special ode to Steve Bannon, they will perform the Darth Vader theme twice.
  1.  Major League Baseball is talking about a rule change, where in extra innings teams would start with a runner already on 2ndbase. And, if it gets to the 11th inning, the centerfielder will have to play while wearing the team’s mascot outfit.
  1.  St. Louis University lost a tough game to St. Bonaventure last month, and when they went to get on their bus and head home, the bus was nowhere to be found. Turns out the bus driver – and the bus – were found, 40 miles from the arena, and the bus driver’s Blood Alcohol Level was 0.22, which is more than 5x the legal limit. In a stunning move, Trump has decided to make the driver Secretary of Transportation.
  1. This Day in History:  Paul McCartney became a knight (1997); and little known fact, a year later he became a ninja.
  1.  A man from Appleton, ME was crowned the champion of a show called “Alone” on the History Channel, earning him a $500,000 prize. He got home to find that his mother-in-law had moved in with his wife and kids. So, he called the History channel and asked, “Double or nothing?”
  1.  MLB – spring training has begun! Sox played Northeastern on Thursday and played their first MLB games yesterday (Mets) and today (Twins). Pablo Sandoval came to Spring Training early and 40 lbs lighter. Experts say it might be as much as one full month until he gains it back.
  1.  Bangor Symphony Orchestra is performing the music from Star Wars next weekend at the Collins Center for the Arts in Orono, in a special production called “The Return of Jar Jar.”
  1.  America’s Mattress Race was held earlier today at Shawnee Peak in Bridgton, where mattresses of all sizes are used to slide down the mountain. I was there, in fact. Yup. Went with my wife and my 2 daughters. We brought the family couch!
  1.  My father’s birthday is Thursday. It’s going to be quite a party—shhhh, don’t tell him—I’ve already hired the mimes!



  1.  ANSWER:     Intern

      QUESTION:  Where does the minnow go?

  1.  A: Disjoint

      Q: What is now legal in Maine?

  1.  A: Bernie Sanders

      Q: Name a new pecan-flavored Girl Scout cookie.

  1.  A: Inmate

      Q: Name a place a husband goes with his wife.

  1.  A: Jorge!

      Q: What does a guy yell at a hooker who’s running away with his money?

  1.  A: Tamiflu

      Q: What did Tammy do on cold medicine?

  1.  A: Send in the Clowns

      Q: What happens at a press conference at the White House?

  1.  A: Maybelline

      Q: What does Mabel do when she’s tired?

  1.  A: Where lucky old record albums wind up

      Q: What is Vinal Haven?

  1.  A: Squeal, cry, make mistakes

      Q: Name 3 things Adele did at the Grammys.

  1.  A: Kramer, Jerry, Elaine

      Q: Name 3 people with better phones than George Hale

  1. A: Splotch

      Q: What is the sound of Donald Trump getting into the bathtub?

  1. A: The White House

      Q: What does Steve Bannon want to see inside the White House?

  1. A: Shake n Bake

      Q: What did Maine stoners do when pot was legalized?

  1. A: Trains, planes and automobiles

      Q: Name 3 places you can’t find an Amish person.

  1. A: Dodge ball

      Q: What do wrestlers do?