28 MORE O’ MY UNUSED JOKES FOR THE NITE SHOW:
- Rep. Larry Lockman spoke Thursday night at USM about “the failure of America’s ‘open border’ policy.” And, he left his dressing room a mess. But luckily, a few undocumented Mexican workers were nearby to clean it for cheap.
- My mom’s birthday is a week from today. And remember, what happens at my Mom’s birthday party stays at my Mom’s birthday party.
- Happy Birthday: Yoko Ono (84); Yoko celebrated by performing an art piece in Manhattan, where she screamed into a harp for an hour and then threw it to the floor. It’s said to be her best work.
- Bangor Symphony Orchestra is performing the music from Star Wars next weekend at the Collins Center for the Arts in Orono, and in a special ode to Steve Bannon, they will perform the Darth Vader theme twice.
- Major League Baseball is talking about a rule change, where in extra innings teams would start with a runner already on 2ndbase. And, if it gets to the 11th inning, the centerfielder will have to play while wearing the team’s mascot outfit.
- St. Louis University lost a tough game to St. Bonaventure last month, and when they went to get on their bus and head home, the bus was nowhere to be found. Turns out the bus driver – and the bus – were found, 40 miles from the arena, and the bus driver’s Blood Alcohol Level was 0.22, which is more than 5x the legal limit. In a stunning move, Trump has decided to make the driver Secretary of Transportation.
- This Day in History: Paul McCartney became a knight (1997); and little known fact, a year later he became a ninja.
- A man from Appleton, ME was crowned the champion of a show called “Alone” on the History Channel, earning him a $500,000 prize. He got home to find that his mother-in-law had moved in with his wife and kids. So, he called the History channel and asked, “Double or nothing?”
- MLB – spring training has begun! Sox played Northeastern on Thursday and played their first MLB games yesterday (Mets) and today (Twins). Pablo Sandoval came to Spring Training early and 40 lbs lighter. Experts say it might be as much as one full month until he gains it back.
- Bangor Symphony Orchestra is performing the music from Star Wars next weekend at the Collins Center for the Arts in Orono, in a special production called “The Return of Jar Jar.”
- America’s Mattress Race was held earlier today at Shawnee Peak in Bridgton, where mattresses of all sizes are used to slide down the mountain. I was there, in fact. Yup. Went with my wife and my 2 daughters. We brought the family couch!
- My father’s birthday is Thursday. It’s going to be quite a party—shhhh, don’t tell him—I’ve already hired the mimes!
CASHNAC THE MAGNIFICENT:
- ANSWER: Intern
QUESTION: Where does the minnow go?
- A: Disjoint
Q: What is now legal in Maine?
- A: Bernie Sanders
Q: Name a new pecan-flavored Girl Scout cookie.
- A: Inmate
Q: Name a place a husband goes with his wife.
- A: Jorge!
Q: What does a guy yell at a hooker who’s running away with his money?
- A: Tamiflu
Q: What did Tammy do on cold medicine?
- A: Send in the Clowns
Q: What happens at a press conference at the White House?
- A: Maybelline
Q: What does Mabel do when she’s tired?
- A: Where lucky old record albums wind up
Q: What is Vinal Haven?
- A: Squeal, cry, make mistakes
Q: Name 3 things Adele did at the Grammys.
- A: Kramer, Jerry, Elaine
Q: Name 3 people with better phones than George Hale
- A: Splotch
Q: What is the sound of Donald Trump getting into the bathtub?
- A: The White House
Q: What does Steve Bannon want to see inside the White House?
- A: Shake n Bake
Q: What did Maine stoners do when pot was legalized?
- A: Trains, planes and automobiles
Q: Name 3 places you can’t find an Amish person.
- A: Dodge ball
Q: What do wrestlers do?
SOME OF MY UNUSED MONOLOGUE JOKES FOR THE NITE SHOW:
- It’s New Year’s Eve! The night when Kathy Griffin talks over Anderson Cooper all night!
- Yup. It’s New Year’s Eve across the globe and, wait… (listens) Yup! I hear it! Can you hear it?! The sound of Kim Jong Un’s ball dropping!
- Can you feel the Holiday Spirit in the air? Christmas carols, holiday-neutral carols…
- Donald Trump met with Al Gore to talk about climate change this past week, and Trump told Gore that he champions the climate, and however the climate can help the oil industry get more oil and transport it in pipelines, the more he loves the climate.
- Donald Trump has tweeted that Alec Baldwin’s impression of him on Saturday Night Live is horrible and the show isn’t funny – except for the one Trump hosted last year, which he says is “huuuge comedy genius.”
- Gov. LePage made news by sending letters to elected members of the legislature, saying that they should report for duty on Dec. 7 to start conducting the people’s business, even though he cannot attest to the accuracy of the election tabulations. He also sent them some lovely Christmas cards.
- The Red Sox have acquired controversial hothead pitcher Chris Sale, for 4 minor league players. And I figure, if being a hothead works for Trump, why not for Chris Sale?
- Kristen Stewart is in the new Rolling Stones video for “Ride ‘Em On Down,” driving a ’65 Mustang, doing a seductive dance. And, in a nod to the age of the Rolling Stone band members, there is a special cameo: also in the video, dancing sexily on a car hood, is Barbara Walters.
- Winnie’s Dairy Bar is returning in 79 Parsons Street in Presque Isle! Doors scheduled to open in February with a grand opening planned for April. And they’ve really gone overboard this time. A live cow has been installed behind the bar.
- Paris Hilton was doing a DJ gig in Miami and someone spilled vodka on her gear. She was NOT happy. Luckily, she had her new Chihuahua with her, and used it to soak up the spill.
- James Cordon has been announced as the host of the 2017 GRAMMY Awards on CBS, and in a nod to Carpool Karaoke, this year the GRAMMYs will be broadcast from a moving car.
- The creator of “Full House” bought the Full House house in San Francisco last month, reuniting many of the shows stars earlier this month on the steps of the iconic home. Then, they got out the tools, and the actors were forced to renovate it for free.
- Mountain Holly Days in Rangeley this weekend, with horse-drawn wagon rides, family activities, shopping and more! Come one come all and try the overflowing margarita-filled horse trough! Bob for limes!
- “Hairspray Live” aired Wednesday night on NBC. Scientists say, as a result, the ozone layer has thinned dramatically.
- Fogcutters had their annual Christmas Extravaganza at the State Theater in Portland earlier tonight. When asked how they put it all together so fast, the director said they just “put on their low beams” and took it one step at a time.
- We are doing our show at the Westbrook Performing Arts Center, taping Friday, January 27! I will be playing the role of Jorge, the sexy yet thwarted lover.
- NFL Ratings continue to stink. And even THAT has been blamed on Joe Buck.
- “America’s Next Top Model” premiered Monday night on VH1. President-Elect Trump has expressed interest in moving the event to the White House.
- This Day in History: The Houston Astrodome opened, and the first event was a concert with Judy Garland and the Supremes (1965); immediately followed by 52 consecutive years without a World Series win for the Astros.
- Most kids will delight in their presents, but there will also be those that are unhappy with some of their gifts. But, luckily, Donald Trump was very pleased with his gift this year… America.
- Ah, Christmas in Maine – a roaring fire, a warm, glowing tree, Christmas music playing, a wrapped bottle of Allens taped to a carton of cigarettes under the tree…
This Day in History (Dec. 25):
- John Wayne divorced his wife of 12 years (1945); due to an argument over the placing of tinsel on their tree.
- “The Godfather Part III” was released, starring Al Pacino and Diane Keaton (1990); I think this was the one where Marty had to take the Delorean back to save Doc in the Old West.
- Mikhail Gorbachev formally resigns as president of the USSR in a televised speech (1991); but that thing on his face stayed for another week.
- Paris Hilton vows to stop buying Chihuahuas.
- Kanye West vows to learn what “the 5th in the key of G” means.
- Donald Trump vows to let us see his taxes—wait, this just in, that’s his 2017 April Fools.
- Ball drop happening tonight in Downtown Bangor. But enough about Joe.
- This Day in History:“Match Game” debuted on NBC with host Gene Rayburn (1962); Back then, Gene was “back in 1 and 1.”
- Happy Birthday: Donald Trump Jr. (39); He celebrated by killing an endangered rhino.
UNUSED MONOLOGUES JOKES FOR THE NITE SHOW:
- Halloween is Monday – I’m going as a tall Bruce Poliquin.
- Halloween is Monday, and here’s a helpful Halloween tip for those still without a costume. First, find a red tie. Next, get a small pumpkin. Lightly beat the pumpkin with a hammer, and put it on your head. You have a costume!
- Jay Leno’s Garage premieres Wednesday night on CNBC. In the premiere, Jay is working on an old Edsel, and uses his chin to loosen rusted bolts.
- “Dr. Strange” – Marvel comic book movie – was released in theaters last night. Little known fact: “Dr. Strange” is based on the life of Ben Carson.
- – Happy Birthday:Roy Rogers (would be 105 today) – but he’d have a robot body and a liquid metal head that fires lasers.
- Tomorrow is “World Kindness Day” encouraging everyone to be kind to others, creating a nicer world. The keynote speaker? Trump.
- Happy Birthday: Tonya Harding (46) and Charles Manson (82), who, experts say, would make a great couple.
- This date – Nov. 5 – was the date Marty McFly returned to in 1955 in “Back to the Future.” – Which was right before the time line changed and Biff became like Trump.
- “Dr. Strange” – Marvel comic book movie – was released in theaters last night. It’s all about the life of Dr. Phil.
- Election Day was Tuesday, and an old friend visited me. I spent the day hanging with Chad. (That might be the worst joke I ever wrote.)
- Happy Birthday: Tonya Harding (46) and Charles Manson (82) Tonya Harding and Charles Manson are very different of course. One cunningly convinced people to hurt women, the other being Charles Manson.
- Tom “Bones” Malone is on the show tonight. Tom of course is named after the show “Bones” on FOX.
- Trump has appointed Steve Bannon as White House Chief Strategist. Bannon is a hatchet-job propagandist for the Alt-Right and courts the KKK… I guess it’s nice, in a way. We’ll finally get some closure from the Civil War.
- Electoral College Electors cast votes 1 month from today for President. They are not bound to cast votes based on states’ votes, so there is a petition circulating to convince Trump-electors to vote for Clinton instead. But don’t worry. FBI Director James Cole is on the case. He’s scrambling to find more unread Hillary emails.
- People still in disbelief that Donald Trump is president-elect. And some are still in disbelief about his hair.
- Pingree and Poliquin both won re-election to Congress. To celebrate, they held a Bill-Block Party.
- Patriots continue rolling over the opposition after Tom Brady’s suspension, and ever since more air was put into the balls.
- The “I Love the 90s” Tour will return to the Cross Insurance Center in May with a new lineup including Coolio, C&C Music Factory, Mark McGrath of Sugar Ray, Naughty by Nature, and Kid N’ Play, and the cast of 2 Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place.
- “Bad Santa 2” opens Wednesday night. The Santa in this one will be really really bad, with orange hair and a red tie.
- “A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving” airs Wednesday night at 8 on ABC. Mmmmm… cartoon meat…
- “American Music Awards” being held tomorrow night on ABC, expected to feature performances by Bruno Mars, Fifth Harmony, Green Day and that She-Bang She-Bang guy.
- The “Double Dare” 30thanniversary special airs Wednesday night at 9 on Nickelodeon (“Nick at Nite”). Special vats of “designer slime” have been flown in from Paris for the event.
- Christmas Tree lightings in Waterville, Portland, and other Maine towns next weekend. Every Christmas tree this year will sport a Donald Trump wig at the top.
- Happy Birthday: Calvin Klein (73) from Back to the Future fame.
- Dolly Parton’s new Christmas special “Coat of Many Colors” airs next Saturday night on NBC. Little known fact, NBC changed the name at the last minute, from “Bra Of Many Colors.”
- “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” premieres Tuesday night on Bravo, now with slight name change. It’s now called “The Really Edited Housewives of Beverly Hills.”
- 40thannual Chester Greenwood Day held today in Farmington – Greenwood was the inventor of the earmuffs, made most famous as Princess Leia’s hair in Star Wars.
- Norah Jones is performing a sold out show Friday night at the State Theater in Portland. I don’t know what I’m going to do with all those seats to myself!
- This Day in History:The first TV broadcast in Hawaii was conducted (1952): The show was called “Don Ho’s Ukulele Collection.”
- Happy Birthday:Ozzy Osborne (68); What’s that? Oh, this just in: Ozzy threw up on the cake again.
- Auburn Winter Festival is this weekend. This year, there’ll be a Polar Bear Plunge, followed by a Shrinkage Contest for the men at the Main Tent.
- President Trump was Inaugurated last week. To make sure it was a classy event, Trump only used a minimal amount of strippers and pole-dancers.
- Today is “Data Privacy Day” followed tomorrow by “Worf Coming Out Day.”
- Today is “National Blueberry Pancake Day” and tomorrow is “Chemical-Fake Blueberry-Muffin Day.”
- “Dancing with the Stars Live” was at the Cross Insurance Center in Bangor earlier this month. The hugest star at the event? That Gangnam Style guy.
- Next weekend our show is in Westbrook for 2 weeks at the Westbrook Performing Arts Center. So Westbrook, if you see a whole lot of loud bikers roll into town, flinging cigarette butts everywhere… that’s not us.
This Day in History:
- The Lego company patented the design of their Lego bricks, which are still compatible with bricks produced today (1958); and more reliable than the steel from China that Trump uses in his buildings.
- O.J. Simpson was drafted by the Buffalo Bills from USC with the first pick in the NFL Draft (1969); he was given the young nickname, “Bronco Bill.”
- “Barnaby Jones” premiered on CBS (1973); interestingly, the age demographic for the show was also 73.
- John Kerry was voted to succeed Hillary Clinton as Secretary of State (2013). Even though it was a happy occasion for Kerry, people still asked him, “Why the long face?”
NEW BAND NAMES:
- The Vagina Ideologues
- Comfortably Dumb
- Potsie Stickers
- General Betray Us
- The Portenders
- We Know A Guy
- Peter Pandemic
- Bludgeoned By Comedy
- Bright Bart: Simp’s Son
see 84 more band names here – click on book
NEW BAND NAMES:
- Them Allocatin’ Sumbitches
- In Sink
- Horizontally Challenged
- I’m Having My Baroque Period
- Happy Our
- Joey Fat Tones
- We Use Our Inside Voices
- The Episco-aliens
- Yo We Got ‘Tude — Verisimilitude!
see 84 more band names here – click on book