28 MORE O’ MY UNUSED JOKES FOR THE NITE SHOW:
- Rep. Larry Lockman spoke Thursday night at USM about “the failure of America’s ‘open border’ policy.” And, he left his dressing room a mess. But luckily, a few undocumented Mexican workers were nearby to clean it for cheap.
- My mom’s birthday is a week from today. And remember, what happens at my Mom’s birthday party stays at my Mom’s birthday party.
- Happy Birthday: Yoko Ono (84); Yoko celebrated by performing an art piece in Manhattan, where she screamed into a harp for an hour and then threw it to the floor. It’s said to be her best work.
- Bangor Symphony Orchestra is performing the music from Star Wars next weekend at the Collins Center for the Arts in Orono, and in a special ode to Steve Bannon, they will perform the Darth Vader theme twice.
- Major League Baseball is talking about a rule change, where in extra innings teams would start with a runner already on 2ndbase. And, if it gets to the 11th inning, the centerfielder will have to play while wearing the team’s mascot outfit.
- St. Louis University lost a tough game to St. Bonaventure last month, and when they went to get on their bus and head home, the bus was nowhere to be found. Turns out the bus driver – and the bus – were found, 40 miles from the arena, and the bus driver’s Blood Alcohol Level was 0.22, which is more than 5x the legal limit. In a stunning move, Trump has decided to make the driver Secretary of Transportation.
- This Day in History: Paul McCartney became a knight (1997); and little known fact, a year later he became a ninja.
- A man from Appleton, ME was crowned the champion of a show called “Alone” on the History Channel, earning him a $500,000 prize. He got home to find that his mother-in-law had moved in with his wife and kids. So, he called the History channel and asked, “Double or nothing?”
- MLB – spring training has begun! Sox played Northeastern on Thursday and played their first MLB games yesterday (Mets) and today (Twins). Pablo Sandoval came to Spring Training early and 40 lbs lighter. Experts say it might be as much as one full month until he gains it back.
- Bangor Symphony Orchestra is performing the music from Star Wars next weekend at the Collins Center for the Arts in Orono, in a special production called “The Return of Jar Jar.”
- America’s Mattress Race was held earlier today at Shawnee Peak in Bridgton, where mattresses of all sizes are used to slide down the mountain. I was there, in fact. Yup. Went with my wife and my 2 daughters. We brought the family couch!
- My father’s birthday is Thursday. It’s going to be quite a party—shhhh, don’t tell him—I’ve already hired the mimes!
CASHNAC THE MAGNIFICENT:
- ANSWER: Intern
QUESTION: Where does the minnow go?
- A: Disjoint
Q: What is now legal in Maine?
- A: Bernie Sanders
Q: Name a new pecan-flavored Girl Scout cookie.
- A: Inmate
Q: Name a place a husband goes with his wife.
- A: Jorge!
Q: What does a guy yell at a hooker who’s running away with his money?
- A: Tamiflu
Q: What did Tammy do on cold medicine?
- A: Send in the Clowns
Q: What happens at a press conference at the White House?
- A: Maybelline
Q: What does Mabel do when she’s tired?
- A: Where lucky old record albums wind up
Q: What is Vinal Haven?
- A: Squeal, cry, make mistakes
Q: Name 3 things Adele did at the Grammys.
- A: Kramer, Jerry, Elaine
Q: Name 3 people with better phones than George Hale
- A: Splotch
Q: What is the sound of Donald Trump getting into the bathtub?
- A: The White House
Q: What does Steve Bannon want to see inside the White House?
- A: Shake n Bake
Q: What did Maine stoners do when pot was legalized?
- A: Trains, planes and automobiles
Q: Name 3 places you can’t find an Amish person.
- A: Dodge ball
Q: What do wrestlers do?