Tag: jokes

Used/Unused Monologue Jokes – Air Date 2/24/18

newnite 17

Air Date: February 24 (Jeff & Lou from the Q Morning Show / Heart Shaped Rock)

– Earlier this month, an adjunct professor was replaced at Southern New Hampshire University after giving a student a failing grade because she thought Australia was a country. The university apologized and fired the professor. In his defense, the professor said he didn’t think she said Australia, he thought she said Austria.

– Today is “World Sword Swallowers Day.” So I apologize if I’m a little hoarse during tonight’s monologue…

– Today is “World Sword Swallowers Day.” So if you notice gunk all over your sword, you’ll know why.

– We’re officially in Lent, which began about a week and a half ago. As you can clearly see, I’ve given up comedy for Lent.

– A Romanian University study shows that it is safe to eat half-day old snow, and even safer in the colder months. And they did the study in Brooklyn!

– “The Walking Dead” season 8 premieres tomorrow night at 9 on AMC. Also titled “The Walking Dead?” Bernie Sander’s new presidential campaign.  

– Season 4 of “Gotham” premiered on FOX Thursday night at 8. In it, Congressman Bruce Poliquin made his acting debut as a new character called The Polipenguin.

– Natalie Portman’s big blockbuster “Annihilation” hit theaters last night. “Annihilation” is the story of what Congressman Bruce Poliquin’s DNA did to his height.

– Today is “Tortilla Chip Day” followed tomorrow by “Flavored-Chemical-Dust Day.”

– Tomorrow is “Girls in Sports Day” with a large focus on it at the University of Maine women’s basketball game against University at Albany. And leading a parade with a baton will be “America’s First Girl” – Richard Simmons!

– The Red Sox played their first Spring Training game of the season yesterday against the Twins. After the game, one of the backup catchers was elated because his average has never been as high as 250.

– The Red Sox played their first Spring Training game of the season yesterday against the Twins. David Price didn’t play, but is already on the disabled list until probably September.

– “Game Night” premiered in theaters last night – a thriller about a group of friends who meet routinely for game nights and realize the murder mystery game they are playing is actually for real, but the only way to get through it is to keep playing the game. Sounds like Yahtzee Night with Brent and Linda, am I right?

       This Day in History: 

In 2014, a 4.4 billion year old crystal is discovered to be the oldest known fragment from the Earth’s crust. But since then, scientists have learned it was just a ring lost by George Hale.

In 2014, a 4.4 billion year old crystal is discovered to be the oldest known fragment from the Earth’s crust. The second oldest known fragment is 3 billion years old. It’s part of a tie clip from Larry King.

In 1998, Elton John was knighted by Queen Elizabeth II at Buckingham Palace. Word is, he came away with a nasty case of “sword burn.”

Highest price ever paid for a pig – $42,500 – in Stamford, TX (1979); Word is, the pig had an agent.

all my shit yo

newnite 15

newnite 1

 

Used & Unused Monologue Jokes, air date 2/17/18

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The Nite Show with Danny Cashman, Air Date Feb. 17, 2018:

– Gov. LePage’s final State of the State Address was Tuesday night. Lepage said union dues is extortion money, and leads to robots being used in factories. He said he hasn’t used an ATM machine in 7 years, because he hates robots and doesn’t trust them. But, he admitted, he IS rather fond of that “BB8.”

– Lepage said he hates robots and doesn’t trust them. Especially that Nancy Pelosi.

LePage said he urges Congress not to throw old couples out of their homes, or give up on old couples when they keep making mistakes in their Dysarts commercial. (buttrary flakeful clucks.)

LePage said he won’t expand Medicaid unless he knows how they’ll pay for it. “Show me the money!” he said. And later, on the issue of prisons, he said “Release the Kracken!”

– LePage said that overall, Maine cities are more compassionate than Maine small towns. This turned the town of Alton into a war zone.

– Presidents Day is Monday. Word is, Trump has been given extra-strength orange carpet tape in case there’s a wind.

– The first full spring training team workout for the 2018 Boston Red Sox is Monday. David Price is expected to last about 2 hours into the workout before going back on the DL until September.

– The first full spring training team workout for the 2018 Boston Red Sox is Monday. John Farrell will celebrate at home by watching his “stories.”

– Oakhurst Dairy settled the “Oxford Comma debate,” about a very important coma in a contract with the drivers, who won the settlement with a $5 million dollar payout. And now, drivers for Hood ice cream are suing for 6 million dollars in a new huge “Gerund debate.”   OR:   “Semi-Colon debate.”   “All-Caps debate.”   “Caps-Lock debate.”

– Oakhurst Dairy settled the Oxford Comma debate – which was an overtime dispute with drivers due to an Oxford Comma in a contract. The settlement was a $5 million payout to the drivers. The comma is now officially known as the “Oakhurst Comma.”

– L.L. Bean has announced they will no longer honor the return policy they have held for more than 100 years. But employees are now required to model any clothing the purchaser chooses.

– Today is “Random Act of Kindness Day.” And if ya don’t like it, shut up and to hell with ya!

– Today is “Random Act of Kindness Day.” But don’t expect anything from Eagles fans.

– A man from Orrington says he fought off a black bear that attacked his puppy in the woods recently, partially by “sticking his finger in the bear’s eye.” In a related story, Steve Bannon has been spotted wearing an eyepatch.

– First week of the 2018 Winter Olympics are in the books from Pyong Chang, South Korea. Or as many call it, the “first week of no This Is Us.”

– First week of the 2018 Winter Olympics are in the books from Pyeong Chang, South Korea. The second week will take place in Wang Chung.

– Valentine’s Day was Wednesday. An’ allz I got was a rock…

Katahdin Area Winterfest started yesterday and runs all week. It kicked off with a snowmobile parade last night and a number of events today. And hey all boys, teen boys, and men – remember to take part in the artistic “Yellow Snow Contest!”

– North & South Korea shared a historic handshake at the Olympic games. Word is, Trump wished he would have been there to shake their hands and hold both hands for an uncomfortably long time.

– The 14th annual Chocolate Festival is being held tomorrow in Greenville. So hey ladies, if your man isn’t cuttin’ it lately, c’mon down to the Chocolate Festival!

– The Thompson Ice House Museum is holding their annual ice harvest starting tomorrow at 9 a.m. Now with Sno Cone syrup!

  This Day in History: 

In 1969, Bob Dylan and Johnny Cash record an album that was never released.  And years later, the CD was also never released.

In 1969, Bob Dylan and Johnny Cash record an album that was never released.  It was titled, “All About Oats.”

all my shit yo

200 Joe

me kara cu

Used & Unused Monologue Jokes for Nite Show Feb. 10. airing:

me kara cu

Air Date: February 10 

– The reboot of “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” became available on NetFlix earlier this week. In the first episode, they help Steve Bannon shave and pick out drapes.

– “Fifty Shades Freed” – the final installment in the “Fifty Shades” series is in theaters Friday night. In this one, shades 100 to 150 will be explored. And as always, in Maine, complimentary cleaning materials will be given out with each ticket. Remember Maine, keep your 50 shades theater seating areas clean!

– “Fifty Shades Freed” – the final installment in the “Fifty Shades” series is in theaters Friday night. Local theaters remind us that it makes for a great family night out!

– moe. is performing at the State Theatre Friday and Saturday night, next weekend, in Portland. Opening for moe. will be the new band shemp.

– Series premiere of “Our Cartoon President” is tomorrow night, based on the Stephen Colbert cartoon version of President Trump. And for all Americans, “Our Cartoon President” is on TV every night!

– The Maine Home Show is this weekend at Portland’s Cross Insurance Arena. An award will be given out for the “Sexiest Cement Pour.”

– This month is Brunswick Longfellow Days honoring Henry Wadsworth Longfellow including a party with cake and a community poetry reading. Stephen King will give a respectful reading—dressed as a sewer clown.

– U.S. National Toboggan Championships are this weekend in Camden at the Snow Bowl with teams of four whizzing down a 400 foot long chute. Sounds like a couples night out with Brent and Linda, am I right?

This Day in History:

In 1979, “Do Ya Think I’m Sexy?” by Rod Stewart peaked at #1. But now it’s official! Rod Stewart has officially stopped asking if we think he’s sexy.

“Miami Vice” 100th episode seen on NBC (1989); in the episode, Crockett and Tubbs posed sexily with guns to loud synthesizers.

Kanye West released “The College Dropout” (2004); right before getting a degree in advanced astrophysics from Harvard.

In 2005, Charles, Prince of Wales, announced his engagement to Camilla Parker Bowles. At the star-studded event, celebratory eatin’-hay was placed around the room with a carrot for after.

In 2016, Chris Christie suspended his campaign, and added industrial strength suspenders to his pants.

all my shit yo

me winslow

 

 

Unused Monologue Jokes for 1/31/18 Taping

awesomenite

 Unused Monologue jokes for The Nite Show with Danny Cashman:

 

  1. Did anyone watch Trump’s State of the Union? However you feel about it, he did well in some aspects: He was able to keep his dentures firmly planted, and 2. his hair was especially full and golden. Word is, they got the guy who did Cher on board the makeup team.

 

  1. Did anyone watch Trump’s State of the Union? There were a few things he didn’t mention, like school shootings and Russia. But hey America, word is Putin gave the speech a big red thumbs up!

 

  1. Rumor is that John Kerry is going to run for President. The press is already hounding him, asking that if he’s running for office, why the long face?

 

  1. A Sacramento, California lawmaker is facing criticism for a bill that, if passed, would make it illegal for servers to offer plastic straws unless asked, punishable by up to 6 months in jail and a $1000 fine. And using a plastic stirrer for your coffee? Punishable by life.

 

  1. Elton John announced he’s retiring from touring after his next tour. Word is, his next big hit is coming out soon, and it’s called “Saturday Night’s Alright for Binging Dawson’s Creek.”

 

  1. Camden Winterfest is now through Tuesday with ice carvings, polar plunge and more! You know what I like to do at the annual Winterfest in Camden? I show up with snow cone syrup and go to town!

 

  1. Kitten Bowl starts at noon on Hallmark, and TLC has the Puppy Bowl, and over on E! is the Spoiled Rich Girl Purse-Dog Bowl.

 

  1. Truck Day for the Red Sox is Monday – the day after the Super Bowl. That’s the day when the truck full of Red Sox gear travels from Fenway Park to the Spring Training home of the Sox in Florida. But luckily it’ll be a much lighter load this year, without all of Pablo Sandoval’s sports-girdles. (Sports-spanks.)

 

  1. The Grammy’s were last weekend, on CBS. And once again at the Grammy’s, all Nanas were snubbed.

 

  1. Bangor Region Chamber of Commerce handed out annual awards last week. The most important was the Award For Best Pizza-Ordering.

 

  1. Bangor Region Chamber of Commerce handed out annual awards last week. The most important was the Award For The Most-Ignored Business!

 

  1. Bangor Region Chamber of Commerce handed out annual awards last week. The most important was the Award For Sexiest Zoning Ordinance.

 

  1. Vice President Joe Biden was in Portland Wednesday night at the Merrill Auditorium. A surprise of the night came when a laser light show began and Biden performed Eminem‘s latest album “Revival” in full.

 

  1. “Maine Examiner” website – posted as News website although without attribution regarding story authors, funders, or sources for stories. State Republican Party director Jason Savage’s name has been associated with a number of things on the website, although the party denies involvement. Vladimir Putin has been called to Maine to settle the dispute.

 

  1. Mid-Maine Chamber of commerce is hosting a business breakfast seminar on Thursday morning focusing on “Why Your Employees are Just Not Into You, and What to Do About It.” Hosting the seminar? Donald Trump.

 

  1. So… the former Jackman Town Manager has white separatist views and is mad at the media for exposing it. He’s also mad at the media for exposing that he’s fat and bald.

 

  1. “Calling All Cabernets” wine tasting was last night in Bar Harbor. Chardonnay drinkers picketed outside.

 

  1. Camden Winterfest is now through Tuesday with ice carvings, polar plunge and more! And for those men taking the polar plunge, there will be a special Shrinkage Contest at the Main Tent.

 

me winslow

old set – me yelling at Gov. Paul LePage

 

 

Unused AND USED monologue jokes

Here are a few unused AND USED monologue jokes I wrote for “The Nite Show with Danny Cashman.”  Can you tell which are used or unused? Tune in tonight!

7:30 on WGME CBS 13 News, Portland
11:30 on WABI TV5/Bangor
10:30 on WPFO FOX23/Portland
12 midnight on WAGM-TV FOX 8/Presque Isleawesomenite

1. Tuesday is the day we find out if Roy Moore is elected to the US Senate in Alabama. But no matter what happens, at least we can all come together as Americans to say we’ve already elected Roy Moore in our hearts…

2. Tuesday is the day we find out if Roy Moore is elected to the US Senate in Alabama. Moore is saying that if he’s elected, he’s going to party all night with the local Girl Scout Troop.

3. Tuesday is the day we find out if Roy Moore is elected to the US Senate in Alabama. Psychiatrists warn that if he loses, he might wind up wearing his little cowboy outfit in the local sewer system.

4. As we know, Matt Lauer was fired from NBC’s Today Show & NBC News. It was discovered that he actually had a button under his desk that would lock the office door. But it is reported that Lauer never used the button when Al Roker was in there.

5. Gov. LePage is seeking a disaster declaration, and $4.7M from the feds to help pay for recovery from the wind storm in October. And as long as the Trump administration remembers that most people in Maine are white, chances are we’ll get our money.

6. Passenger Rail Service Planning “test runs” to Rockland this month, in direct response to Kim Jong Un’s latest missile launch.

7. Tuesday is the day we find out if Roy Moore is elected to the US Senate in Alabama. Roy said if he wins, he’ll be as giddy as a school girl!

8. Tuesday is the day we find out if Roy Moore is elected to the US Senate in Alabama, or will be on next year’s “Dancing With the Stars!”

9. Bangor Airport is seeing more than 500,000 passengers this year for the first time ever. And that’s just for the flights to Lewiston.

10. Ovation TV is airing its 11th annual “Battle of the Nutcrackers” starting Monday – a 5-day marathon of various productions of “The Nutcracker.” And some celebrities have signed on! One of the productions of “The Nutcracker” stars Louis CK, Matt Lauer, Al Franken, Charlie Rose, Garrison Keillor, Roger Ailes, Bill O’Reilly, Bill Clinton, and Bill Cosby. “The Nutcracker!”imageblog

11. The Patriots are tied for first in the AFC and on an 8-game win streak. The only deflated balls are now found on the opposing teams.

12. This Day in History: In 2008, Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich was arrested by the feds for a number of alleged crimes including attempting to sell the U.S. Senate seat opening vacated by President Barack Obama. And next year catch him on “Dancing With the Stars!”

13. Maine Secretary of State Matthew Dunlap is on Trump’s Voter Fraud Commission and is now suing the commission to find out what it’s doing, feeling he’s being left in the dark. He was last seen in a dark alley. No word yet.

14. Maine Secretary of State Matthew Dunlap is on Trump’s Voter Fraud Commission and is now suing the commission to find out what it’s doing, feeling he’s being left in the dark. (OUT OF THE SIDE OF YOUR MOUTH LIKE A SECRET): Little does he know there IS no Trump Voter Fraud Commission.

15. The Millinocket Marathon & Half were both held earlier today! I participated. But I could only do the Half.

16. This Day in History: In 2005, “Brokeback Mountain” was released in theaters. Little known fact: The original title of the film was “Not That There’s Anything Wrong With That” Mountain.

17. WWE Live at the Cross Insurance Arena in Portland tonight with their “holiday tour.” Watch, as Triple H takes a fully decorated Christmas tree with lights—and beats some guy to death.

18. Disney on Ice “Frozen” coming to Cross Insurance Arena in Portland this Wednesday. SING: “Do you really want to hear this song man?”

19. “Gotti” with John Travolta opened in theaters last night. “Gotti” is of course all about the enticing, magical world of Scientology.

20. “The Greatest Showman” the story of P.T. Barnum opens in theaters Wednesday night, starring Hugh Jackman, Zac Effron and Michelle Williams. But historians say that centuries from now, “The Greatest Showman” will refer to Donald Trump.

21. A guy went to a Waffle House in South Carolina and found the only employee there asleep. After waiting 10 minutes, he decided to hop behind the counter and make his own double Texas Bacon Cheese Steak Melt and chronical the activities on Facebook. He’s now the manager.

22. The Oak Ridge Boys are bringing their holiday tour to the Collins Center in Orono Tuesday night! But beware of catching or spreading the flu. Don’t attend if you have an (sing): “Elvirus” (ok kill me now)

23. The WWE Live at the Cross Insurance Arena is in Portland tonight with their “holiday tour”!!! Come watch, as Triple H beats a guy to death with a holiday fruit cake!

24. A guy went to a Waffle House in South Carolina and found the only employee there asleep. After waiting 10 minutes, he decided to hop behind the counter and make his own double Texas Bacon Cheese Steak Melt and chronical the activities on Facebook. He can now be seen on The Food Network in a new restaurant show called “Breakin’ & Enterin’!”

mecards2

200 band

all my shit yo

 

 

28 MORE UNUSED JOKES FOR THE NITE SHOW

mono for blog

28 MORE O’ MY UNUSED JOKES FOR THE NITE SHOW:

  1. Rep. Larry Lockman spoke Thursday night at USM about “the failure of America’s ‘open border’ policy.” And, he left his dressing room a mess. But luckily, a few undocumented Mexican workers were nearby to clean it for cheap.
  1. My mom’s birthday is a week from today. And remember, what happens at my Mom’s birthday party stays at my Mom’s birthday party.
  1.  Happy Birthday: Yoko Ono (84); Yoko celebrated by performing an art piece in Manhattan, where she screamed into a harp for an hour and then threw it to the floor. It’s said to be her best work.
  1.  Bangor Symphony Orchestra is performing the music from Star Wars next weekend at the Collins Center for the Arts in Orono, and in a special ode to Steve Bannon, they will perform the Darth Vader theme twice.
  1.  Major League Baseball is talking about a rule change, where in extra innings teams would start with a runner already on 2ndbase. And, if it gets to the 11th inning, the centerfielder will have to play while wearing the team’s mascot outfit.
  1.  St. Louis University lost a tough game to St. Bonaventure last month, and when they went to get on their bus and head home, the bus was nowhere to be found. Turns out the bus driver – and the bus – were found, 40 miles from the arena, and the bus driver’s Blood Alcohol Level was 0.22, which is more than 5x the legal limit. In a stunning move, Trump has decided to make the driver Secretary of Transportation.
  1. This Day in History:  Paul McCartney became a knight (1997); and little known fact, a year later he became a ninja.
  1.  A man from Appleton, ME was crowned the champion of a show called “Alone” on the History Channel, earning him a $500,000 prize. He got home to find that his mother-in-law had moved in with his wife and kids. So, he called the History channel and asked, “Double or nothing?”
  1.  MLB – spring training has begun! Sox played Northeastern on Thursday and played their first MLB games yesterday (Mets) and today (Twins). Pablo Sandoval came to Spring Training early and 40 lbs lighter. Experts say it might be as much as one full month until he gains it back.
  1.  Bangor Symphony Orchestra is performing the music from Star Wars next weekend at the Collins Center for the Arts in Orono, in a special production called “The Return of Jar Jar.”
  1.  America’s Mattress Race was held earlier today at Shawnee Peak in Bridgton, where mattresses of all sizes are used to slide down the mountain. I was there, in fact. Yup. Went with my wife and my 2 daughters. We brought the family couch!
  1.  My father’s birthday is Thursday. It’s going to be quite a party—shhhh, don’t tell him—I’ve already hired the mimes!

 

CASHNAC THE MAGNIFICENT:

  1.  ANSWER:     Intern

      QUESTION:  Where does the minnow go?

  1.  A: Disjoint

      Q: What is now legal in Maine?

  1.  A: Bernie Sanders

      Q: Name a new pecan-flavored Girl Scout cookie.

  1.  A: Inmate

      Q: Name a place a husband goes with his wife.

  1.  A: Jorge!

      Q: What does a guy yell at a hooker who’s running away with his money?

  1.  A: Tamiflu

      Q: What did Tammy do on cold medicine?

  1.  A: Send in the Clowns

      Q: What happens at a press conference at the White House?

  1.  A: Maybelline

      Q: What does Mabel do when she’s tired?

  1.  A: Where lucky old record albums wind up

      Q: What is Vinal Haven?

  1.  A: Squeal, cry, make mistakes

      Q: Name 3 things Adele did at the Grammys.

  1.  A: Kramer, Jerry, Elaine

      Q: Name 3 people with better phones than George Hale

  1. A: Splotch

      Q: What is the sound of Donald Trump getting into the bathtub?

  1. A: The White House

      Q: What does Steve Bannon want to see inside the White House?

  1. A: Shake n Bake

      Q: What did Maine stoners do when pot was legalized?

  1. A: Trains, planes and automobiles

      Q: Name 3 places you can’t find an Amish person.

  1. A: Dodge ball

      Q: What do wrestlers do?

mecards2

 

Unused Monologue Jokes for the Nite Show with Danny Cashman

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SOME OF MY UNUSED MONOLOGUE JOKES FOR THE NITE SHOW:

  1. It’s New Year’s Eve! The night when Kathy Griffin talks over Anderson Cooper all night!
  1. Yup. It’s New Year’s Eve across the globe and, wait… (listens) Yup! I hear it! Can you hear it?! The sound of Kim Jong Un’s ball dropping!
  1. Can you feel the Holiday Spirit in the air? Christmas carols, holiday-neutral carols…
  1. Donald Trump met with Al Gore to talk about climate change this past week, and Trump told Gore that he champions the climate, and however the climate can help the oil industry get more oil and transport it in pipelines, the more he loves the climate.
  1. Donald Trump has tweeted that Alec Baldwin’s impression of him on Saturday Night Live is horrible and the show isn’t funny – except for the one Trump hosted last year, which he says is “huuuge comedy genius.”
  1. Gov. LePage made news by sending letters to elected members of the legislature, saying that they should report for duty on Dec. 7 to start conducting the people’s business, even though he cannot attest to the accuracy of the election tabulations. He also sent them some lovely Christmas cards.
  1. The Red Sox have acquired controversial hothead pitcher Chris Sale, for 4 minor league players. And I figure, if being a hothead works for Trump, why not for Chris Sale?
  1. Kristen Stewart is in the new Rolling Stones video for “Ride ‘Em On Down,” driving a ’65 Mustang, doing a seductive dance. And, in a nod to the age of the Rolling Stone band members, there is a special cameo: also in the video, dancing sexily on a car hood, is Barbara Walters.
  1. Winnie’s Dairy Bar is returning in 79 Parsons Street in Presque Isle! Doors scheduled to open in February with a grand opening planned for April. And they’ve really gone overboard this time. A live cow has been installed behind the bar.
  1. Paris Hilton was doing a DJ gig in Miami and someone spilled vodka on her gear. She was NOT happy. Luckily, she had her new Chihuahua with her, and used it to soak up the spill.     200 band
  1. James Cordon has been announced as the host of the 2017 GRAMMY Awards on CBS, and in a nod to Carpool Karaoke, this year the GRAMMYs will be broadcast from a moving car.
  1. The creator of “Full House” bought the Full House house in San Francisco last month, reuniting many of the shows stars earlier this month on the steps of the iconic home. Then, they got out the tools, and the actors were forced to renovate it for free.
  1. Mountain Holly Days in Rangeley this weekend, with horse-drawn wagon rides, family activities, shopping and more! Come one come all and try the overflowing margarita-filled horse trough! Bob for limes!
  1. “Hairspray Live” aired Wednesday night on NBC. Scientists say, as a result, the ozone layer has thinned dramatically.
  1. Fogcutters had their annual Christmas Extravaganza at the State Theater in Portland earlier tonight. When asked how they put it all together so fast, the director said they just “put on their low beams” and took it one step at a time.   200 audience
  1. We are doing our show at the Westbrook Performing Arts Center, taping Friday, January 27! I will be playing the role of Jorge, the sexy yet thwarted lover.
  1. NFL Ratings continue to stink. And even THAT has been blamed on Joe Buck.
  1. “America’s Next Top Model” premiered Monday night on VH1. President-Elect Trump has expressed interest in moving the event to the White House.
  1. This Day in History:  The Houston Astrodome opened, and the first event was a concert with Judy Garland and the Supremes (1965); immediately followed by 52 consecutive years without a World Series win for the Astros.
  1. Most kids will delight in their presents, but there will also be those that are unhappy with some of their gifts. But, luckily, Donald Trump was very pleased with his gift this year… America.   danny
  1. Ah, Christmas in Maine – a roaring fire, a warm, glowing tree, Christmas music playing, a wrapped bottle of Allens taped to a carton of cigarettes under the tree…

This Day in History (Dec. 25): 

  1. John Wayne divorced his wife of 12 years (1945); due to an argument over the placing of tinsel on their tree.
  1. “The Godfather Part III” was released, starring Al Pacino and Diane Keaton (1990); I think this was the one where Marty had to take the Delorean back to save Doc in the Old West.
  1. Mikhail Gorbachev formally resigns as president of the USSR in a televised speech (1991); but that thing on his face stayed for another week.   200 camera 3

Celebrity resolutions:

  1. Paris Hilton vows to stop buying Chihuahuas.
  1. Kanye West vows to learn what “the 5th in the key of G” means.
  1. Donald Trump vows to let us see his taxes—wait, this just in, that’s his 2017 April Fools.
  1. Ball drop happening tonight in Downtown Bangor. But enough about Joe.
  1. This Day in History:“Match Game” debuted on NBC with host Gene Rayburn (1962); Back then, Gene was “back in 1 and 1.”
  1. Happy Birthday:  Donald Trump Jr. (39); He celebrated by killing an endangered rhino.

moses

 

MY UNUSED MONOLOGUE JOKES FOR THE NITE SHOW:

200 bandUNUSED MONOLOGUES JOKES FOR THE NITE SHOW:

  1. Halloween is Monday – I’m going as a tall Bruce Poliquin.
  1. Halloween is Monday, and here’s a helpful Halloween tip for those still without a costume. First, find a red tie. Next, get a small pumpkin. Lightly beat the pumpkin with a hammer, and put it on your head. You have a costume!
  1. Jay Leno’s Garage premieres Wednesday night on CNBC. In the premiere, Jay is working on an old Edsel, and uses his chin to loosen rusted bolts.
  1. “Dr. Strange” – Marvel comic book movie – was released in theaters last night.  Little known fact: “Dr. Strange” is based on the life of Ben Carson.
  1. – Happy Birthday:Roy Rogers (would be 105 today) – but he’d have a robot body and a liquid metal head that fires lasers.
  1. Tomorrow is “World Kindness Day” encouraging everyone to be kind to others, creating a nicer world. The keynote speaker? Trump.
  1. Happy Birthday: Tonya Harding (46) and Charles Manson (82), who, experts say, would make a great couple.
  1. This date – Nov. 5 – was the date Marty McFly returned to in 1955 in “Back to the Future.” –  Which was right before the time line changed and Biff became like Trump.
  1. “Dr. Strange” – Marvel comic book movie – was released in theaters last night. It’s all about the life of Dr. Phil.
  1. Election Day was Tuesday, and an old friend visited me. I spent the day hanging with Chad.  (That might be the worst joke I ever wrote.)
  1. Happy Birthday: Tonya Harding (46) and Charles Manson (82) Tonya Harding and Charles Manson are very different of course. One cunningly convinced people to hurt women, the other being Charles Manson.
  1. Tom “Bones” Malone is on the show tonight. Tom of course is named after the show “Bones” on FOX.
  1. Trump has appointed Steve Bannon as White House Chief Strategist. Bannon is a hatchet-job propagandist for the Alt-Right and courts the KKK… I guess it’s nice, in a way. We’ll finally get some closure from the Civil War.
  1. Electoral College Electors cast votes 1 month from today for President. They are not bound to cast votes based on states’ votes, so there is a petition circulating to convince Trump-electors to vote for Clinton instead. But don’t worry. FBI Director James Cole is on the case. He’s scrambling to find more unread Hillary emails.
  1. People still in disbelief that Donald Trump is president-elect. And some are still in disbelief about his hair.
  1. Pingree and Poliquin both won re-election to Congress. To celebrate, they held a Bill-Block Party.
  1. Patriots continue rolling over the opposition after Tom Brady’s suspension, and ever since more air was put into the balls.
  1. The “I Love the 90s” Tour will return to the Cross Insurance Center in May with a new lineup including Coolio, C&C Music Factory, Mark McGrath of Sugar Ray, Naughty by Nature, and Kid N’ Play, and the cast of 2 Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place.
  1. “Bad Santa 2” opens Wednesday night. The Santa in this one will be really really bad, with orange hair and a red tie.
  1. “A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving” airs Wednesday night at 8 on ABC. Mmmmm… cartoon meat…
  1. “American Music Awards” being held tomorrow night on ABC, expected to feature performances by Bruno Mars, Fifth Harmony, Green Day and that She-Bang She-Bang guy.
  1. The “Double Dare” 30thanniversary special airs Wednesday night at 9 on Nickelodeon (“Nick at Nite”). Special vats of “designer slime” have been flown in from Paris for the event.
  1. Christmas Tree lightings in Waterville, Portland, and other Maine towns next weekend. Every Christmas tree this year will sport a Donald Trump wig at the top.
  1. Happy Birthday: Calvin Klein (73) from Back to the Future fame.
  1. Dolly Parton’s new Christmas special “Coat of Many Colors” airs next Saturday night on NBC. Little known fact, NBC changed the name at the last minute, from “Bra Of Many Colors.”
  1. “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” premieres Tuesday night on Bravo, now with slight name change. It’s now called “The Really Edited Housewives of Beverly Hills.”
  1. 40thannual Chester Greenwood Day held today in Farmington – Greenwood was the inventor of the earmuffs, made most famous as Princess Leia’s hair in Star Wars.
  1. Norah Jones is performing a sold out show Friday night at the State Theater in Portland. I don’t know what I’m going to do with all those seats to myself!
  1. This Day in History:The first TV broadcast in Hawaii was conducted (1952): The show was called “Don Ho’s Ukulele Collection.”
  1. Happy Birthday:Ozzy Osborne (68); What’s that? Oh, this just in: Ozzy threw up on the cake again.
  1. Auburn Winter Festival is this weekend. This year, there’ll be a Polar Bear Plunge, followed by a Shrinkage Contest for the men at the Main Tent.
  1. President Trump was Inaugurated last week. To make sure it was a classy event, Trump only used a minimal amount of strippers and pole-dancers.
  1. Today is “Data Privacy Day” followed tomorrow by “Worf Coming Out Day.”
  1. Today is “National Blueberry Pancake Day” and tomorrow is “Chemical-Fake Blueberry-Muffin Day.”
  1. “Dancing with the Stars Live” was at the Cross Insurance Center in Bangor earlier this month. The hugest star at the event? That Gangnam Style guy.
  1. Next weekend our show is in Westbrook for 2 weeks at the Westbrook Performing Arts Center. So Westbrook, if you see a whole lot of loud bikers roll into town, flinging cigarette butts everywhere… that’s not us.

This Day in History:

  1. The Lego company patented the design of their Lego bricks, which are still compatible with bricks produced today (1958); and more reliable than the steel from China that Trump uses in his buildings.
  1. O.J. Simpson was drafted by the Buffalo Bills from USC with the first pick in the NFL Draft (1969); he was given the young nickname, “Bronco Bill.”
  1. “Barnaby Jones” premiered on CBS (1973); interestingly, the age demographic for the show was also 73.
  1. John Kerry was voted to succeed Hillary Clinton as Secretary of State (2013). Even though it was a happy occasion for Kerry, people still asked him, “Why the long face?”

mecards2

More unused monologue jokes for The Nite Show from last month:

200 Guest List

The Nite Show with Danny Cashman can be seen in the full state of Maine on Saturday nights.

mono for blog

• Dave Chappelle performed in Orono this past week. He was the only black person in attendance.

• “Hotel Transylvania 2” in theaters this weekend starring the voices of Adam Sandler, Selena Gomez, and Mel Brooks, who, it was reported, during the film, were involved in an off-camera love triangle.

• “The Intern” also released in theaters this weekend starring Robert De Nero and Anne Hathaway – all about the life of Jack McBrayer.

• The McDreemy-less “Grey’s Anatomy” premiered Thursday night on ABC. Many women viewers found it to be McMeaningless.

• Season premiere of “The Simpsons” tomorrow night on FOX. Also, a show called “The Last Man on Earth.” is in its 2nd season – it has been retitled. It’s now called “The Last Ensemble Cast on Earth.”

• A guy from Oklahoma lost his wedding ring in a lake in upstate New York 39 years ago…and got it back earlier this month. A resident around the lake found it, gave it to a year round resident who heard about the man who lost the ring (and still vacations there on another side of the lake) and sent it back to him. (Awwww) The man then said he also lost a thousand bucks up there somewhere…

– Muppets premiered Tuesday. Kermit and Miss Piggy are divorced in the new Office-type format, which is rated R for sexual puppet nudity.

– Under The Dome was cancelled. When asked why, CBS president Les Moonves said it just got too “dome-y.”

– First show on WGME in Portland. Hi, WGME! Why don’t you stay with us here tonight, for the full half hour? It’s me, ol’ Dan! Ha… ha… (pause) Are you still there?

• Lots of Apple festivals today, including Manchester, Livermore Falls, and Cornish. WARNING: No cinnamon allowed on the premises this year.

• This Day in History: 
• Elvis Presley made his first public appearance. He was 10 (1945); and performed the song “Hound Puppy.”

• Sinead O’ Connor ripped up a picture of the Pope on SNL (1992); To celebrate, today she ripped up a picture of Donald Trump.

– Motley Crue coming to Bangor later this month. Opening for Motley Crue will be Maine’s own Rick Charette.

• WWE Live held earlier tonight in Bangor, and tomorrow night in Portland. Now with stricter, more rigid rules and adhering to the strict rulebook.

• Also released this weekend “This is Happening” starring Cloris Leachman as a grandmother on the run with a trunk full of drugs from her granddaughter’s attempt at a drug deal. Based on a recent true story from my Mom’s life.

• “Jay Leno’s Garage” premieres this Wednesday night on CNBC – featuring Jay’s special “chin-accommodating” vehicles.

– “Haven” based on Stephen King’s “The Colorado Kid” premieres this Thursday night on Syfy in its final season. The final season is purportedly all about the Vinal Haven girl’s basketball team.

This Day in History:
– Elvis Presley made his first public appearance. He was 10 (1945). An old man at the time showed Elvis the ropes of how to do television. That man? Maine’s own George Hale.

– “The Andy Griffith Show” & “Mr. Ed” both premiered today (1961); in a little known crossover episode, the horse changed places with Aunt Bee.

– Sinead O’ Connor ripped up a picture of the Pope on SNL (1992). To celebrate, today she ripped up an AARP newsletter.

– Gary Larson announced he was done doing “The Far Side” cartoon (1994); animals around the globe wondered how they were going to stay current.

– O.J. Simpson was found “not guilty” for murder (1995) but was found “guilty” of charges of kidnapping and armed robbery on this day in 2008… To this day, he still promises to look for the killer, the kidnapper, the armed robber…. the—

– Happy Birthday Al Sharpton (61); All his lost weight is apparently going to his hair.