Used/Unused Monologue Jokes – Air Date 2/24/18

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Air Date: February 24 (Jeff & Lou from the Q Morning Show / Heart Shaped Rock)

– Earlier this month, an adjunct professor was replaced at Southern New Hampshire University after giving a student a failing grade because she thought Australia was a country. The university apologized and fired the professor. In his defense, the professor said he didn’t think she said Australia, he thought she said Austria.

– Today is “World Sword Swallowers Day.” So I apologize if I’m a little hoarse during tonight’s monologue…

– Today is “World Sword Swallowers Day.” So if you notice gunk all over your sword, you’ll know why.

– We’re officially in Lent, which began about a week and a half ago. As you can clearly see, I’ve given up comedy for Lent.

– A Romanian University study shows that it is safe to eat half-day old snow, and even safer in the colder months. And they did the study in Brooklyn!

– “The Walking Dead” season 8 premieres tomorrow night at 9 on AMC. Also titled “The Walking Dead?” Bernie Sander’s new presidential campaign.  

– Season 4 of “Gotham” premiered on FOX Thursday night at 8. In it, Congressman Bruce Poliquin made his acting debut as a new character called The Polipenguin.

– Natalie Portman’s big blockbuster “Annihilation” hit theaters last night. “Annihilation” is the story of what Congressman Bruce Poliquin’s DNA did to his height.

– Today is “Tortilla Chip Day” followed tomorrow by “Flavored-Chemical-Dust Day.”

– Tomorrow is “Girls in Sports Day” with a large focus on it at the University of Maine women’s basketball game against University at Albany. And leading a parade with a baton will be “America’s First Girl” – Richard Simmons!

– The Red Sox played their first Spring Training game of the season yesterday against the Twins. After the game, one of the backup catchers was elated because his average has never been as high as 250.

– The Red Sox played their first Spring Training game of the season yesterday against the Twins. David Price didn’t play, but is already on the disabled list until probably September.

– “Game Night” premiered in theaters last night – a thriller about a group of friends who meet routinely for game nights and realize the murder mystery game they are playing is actually for real, but the only way to get through it is to keep playing the game. Sounds like Yahtzee Night with Brent and Linda, am I right?

       This Day in History: 

In 2014, a 4.4 billion year old crystal is discovered to be the oldest known fragment from the Earth’s crust. But since then, scientists have learned it was just a ring lost by George Hale.

In 2014, a 4.4 billion year old crystal is discovered to be the oldest known fragment from the Earth’s crust. The second oldest known fragment is 3 billion years old. It’s part of a tie clip from Larry King.

In 1998, Elton John was knighted by Queen Elizabeth II at Buckingham Palace. Word is, he came away with a nasty case of “sword burn.”

Highest price ever paid for a pig – $42,500 – in Stamford, TX (1979); Word is, the pig had an agent.

all my shit yo

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Published by

David Forbes Brown

I live on the largest of the 4500 islands off the coast of Maine. I write comedy for Maine's only late night talk show (The Nite Show with Danny Cashman), Maine-based novels, music (rock to orchestral) in my humble studio by the sea, a weekly sports column for MyBriefs, and a Red Sox Report for every Sox game of the season.

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