Used/Unused Monologue Jokes – Air Date 2/24/18

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Air Date: February 24 (Jeff & Lou from the Q Morning Show / Heart Shaped Rock)

– Earlier this month, an adjunct professor was replaced at Southern New Hampshire University after giving a student a failing grade because she thought Australia was a country. The university apologized and fired the professor. In his defense, the professor said he didn’t think she said Australia, he thought she said Austria.

– Today is “World Sword Swallowers Day.” So I apologize if I’m a little hoarse during tonight’s monologue…

– Today is “World Sword Swallowers Day.” So if you notice gunk all over your sword, you’ll know why.

– We’re officially in Lent, which began about a week and a half ago. As you can clearly see, I’ve given up comedy for Lent.

– A Romanian University study shows that it is safe to eat half-day old snow, and even safer in the colder months. And they did the study in Brooklyn!

– “The Walking Dead” season 8 premieres tomorrow night at 9 on AMC. Also titled “The Walking Dead?” Bernie Sander’s new presidential campaign.  

– Season 4 of “Gotham” premiered on FOX Thursday night at 8. In it, Congressman Bruce Poliquin made his acting debut as a new character called The Polipenguin.

– Natalie Portman’s big blockbuster “Annihilation” hit theaters last night. “Annihilation” is the story of what Congressman Bruce Poliquin’s DNA did to his height.

– Today is “Tortilla Chip Day” followed tomorrow by “Flavored-Chemical-Dust Day.”

– Tomorrow is “Girls in Sports Day” with a large focus on it at the University of Maine women’s basketball game against University at Albany. And leading a parade with a baton will be “America’s First Girl” – Richard Simmons!

– The Red Sox played their first Spring Training game of the season yesterday against the Twins. After the game, one of the backup catchers was elated because his average has never been as high as 250.

– The Red Sox played their first Spring Training game of the season yesterday against the Twins. David Price didn’t play, but is already on the disabled list until probably September.

– “Game Night” premiered in theaters last night – a thriller about a group of friends who meet routinely for game nights and realize the murder mystery game they are playing is actually for real, but the only way to get through it is to keep playing the game. Sounds like Yahtzee Night with Brent and Linda, am I right?

       This Day in History: 

In 2014, a 4.4 billion year old crystal is discovered to be the oldest known fragment from the Earth’s crust. But since then, scientists have learned it was just a ring lost by George Hale.

In 2014, a 4.4 billion year old crystal is discovered to be the oldest known fragment from the Earth’s crust. The second oldest known fragment is 3 billion years old. It’s part of a tie clip from Larry King.

In 1998, Elton John was knighted by Queen Elizabeth II at Buckingham Palace. Word is, he came away with a nasty case of “sword burn.”

Highest price ever paid for a pig – $42,500 – in Stamford, TX (1979); Word is, the pig had an agent.

all my shit yo

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Unused Monologue Jokes for 1/31/18 Taping

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 Unused Monologue jokes for The Nite Show with Danny Cashman:

 

  1. Did anyone watch Trump’s State of the Union? However you feel about it, he did well in some aspects: He was able to keep his dentures firmly planted, and 2. his hair was especially full and golden. Word is, they got the guy who did Cher on board the makeup team.

 

  1. Did anyone watch Trump’s State of the Union? There were a few things he didn’t mention, like school shootings and Russia. But hey America, word is Putin gave the speech a big red thumbs up!

 

  1. Rumor is that John Kerry is going to run for President. The press is already hounding him, asking that if he’s running for office, why the long face?

 

  1. A Sacramento, California lawmaker is facing criticism for a bill that, if passed, would make it illegal for servers to offer plastic straws unless asked, punishable by up to 6 months in jail and a $1000 fine. And using a plastic stirrer for your coffee? Punishable by life.

 

  1. Elton John announced he’s retiring from touring after his next tour. Word is, his next big hit is coming out soon, and it’s called “Saturday Night’s Alright for Binging Dawson’s Creek.”

 

  1. Camden Winterfest is now through Tuesday with ice carvings, polar plunge and more! You know what I like to do at the annual Winterfest in Camden? I show up with snow cone syrup and go to town!

 

  1. Kitten Bowl starts at noon on Hallmark, and TLC has the Puppy Bowl, and over on E! is the Spoiled Rich Girl Purse-Dog Bowl.

 

  1. Truck Day for the Red Sox is Monday – the day after the Super Bowl. That’s the day when the truck full of Red Sox gear travels from Fenway Park to the Spring Training home of the Sox in Florida. But luckily it’ll be a much lighter load this year, without all of Pablo Sandoval’s sports-girdles. (Sports-spanks.)

 

  1. The Grammy’s were last weekend, on CBS. And once again at the Grammy’s, all Nanas were snubbed.

 

  1. Bangor Region Chamber of Commerce handed out annual awards last week. The most important was the Award For Best Pizza-Ordering.

 

  1. Bangor Region Chamber of Commerce handed out annual awards last week. The most important was the Award For The Most-Ignored Business!

 

  1. Bangor Region Chamber of Commerce handed out annual awards last week. The most important was the Award For Sexiest Zoning Ordinance.

 

  1. Vice President Joe Biden was in Portland Wednesday night at the Merrill Auditorium. A surprise of the night came when a laser light show began and Biden performed Eminem‘s latest album “Revival” in full.

 

  1. “Maine Examiner” website – posted as News website although without attribution regarding story authors, funders, or sources for stories. State Republican Party director Jason Savage’s name has been associated with a number of things on the website, although the party denies involvement. Vladimir Putin has been called to Maine to settle the dispute.

 

  1. Mid-Maine Chamber of commerce is hosting a business breakfast seminar on Thursday morning focusing on “Why Your Employees are Just Not Into You, and What to Do About It.” Hosting the seminar? Donald Trump.

 

  1. So… the former Jackman Town Manager has white separatist views and is mad at the media for exposing it. He’s also mad at the media for exposing that he’s fat and bald.

 

  1. “Calling All Cabernets” wine tasting was last night in Bar Harbor. Chardonnay drinkers picketed outside.

 

  1. Camden Winterfest is now through Tuesday with ice carvings, polar plunge and more! And for those men taking the polar plunge, there will be a special Shrinkage Contest at the Main Tent.

 

me winslow

old set – me yelling at Gov. Paul LePage

 

 

Unused AND USED monologue jokes

Here are a few unused AND USED monologue jokes I wrote for “The Nite Show with Danny Cashman.”  Can you tell which are used or unused? Tune in tonight!

7:30 on WGME CBS 13 News, Portland
11:30 on WABI TV5/Bangor
10:30 on WPFO FOX23/Portland
12 midnight on WAGM-TV FOX 8/Presque Isleawesomenite

1. Tuesday is the day we find out if Roy Moore is elected to the US Senate in Alabama. But no matter what happens, at least we can all come together as Americans to say we’ve already elected Roy Moore in our hearts…

2. Tuesday is the day we find out if Roy Moore is elected to the US Senate in Alabama. Moore is saying that if he’s elected, he’s going to party all night with the local Girl Scout Troop.

3. Tuesday is the day we find out if Roy Moore is elected to the US Senate in Alabama. Psychiatrists warn that if he loses, he might wind up wearing his little cowboy outfit in the local sewer system.

4. As we know, Matt Lauer was fired from NBC’s Today Show & NBC News. It was discovered that he actually had a button under his desk that would lock the office door. But it is reported that Lauer never used the button when Al Roker was in there.

5. Gov. LePage is seeking a disaster declaration, and $4.7M from the feds to help pay for recovery from the wind storm in October. And as long as the Trump administration remembers that most people in Maine are white, chances are we’ll get our money.

6. Passenger Rail Service Planning “test runs” to Rockland this month, in direct response to Kim Jong Un’s latest missile launch.

7. Tuesday is the day we find out if Roy Moore is elected to the US Senate in Alabama. Roy said if he wins, he’ll be as giddy as a school girl!

8. Tuesday is the day we find out if Roy Moore is elected to the US Senate in Alabama, or will be on next year’s “Dancing With the Stars!”

9. Bangor Airport is seeing more than 500,000 passengers this year for the first time ever. And that’s just for the flights to Lewiston.

10. Ovation TV is airing its 11th annual “Battle of the Nutcrackers” starting Monday – a 5-day marathon of various productions of “The Nutcracker.” And some celebrities have signed on! One of the productions of “The Nutcracker” stars Louis CK, Matt Lauer, Al Franken, Charlie Rose, Garrison Keillor, Roger Ailes, Bill O’Reilly, Bill Clinton, and Bill Cosby. “The Nutcracker!”imageblog

11. The Patriots are tied for first in the AFC and on an 8-game win streak. The only deflated balls are now found on the opposing teams.

12. This Day in History: In 2008, Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich was arrested by the feds for a number of alleged crimes including attempting to sell the U.S. Senate seat opening vacated by President Barack Obama. And next year catch him on “Dancing With the Stars!”

13. Maine Secretary of State Matthew Dunlap is on Trump’s Voter Fraud Commission and is now suing the commission to find out what it’s doing, feeling he’s being left in the dark. He was last seen in a dark alley. No word yet.

14. Maine Secretary of State Matthew Dunlap is on Trump’s Voter Fraud Commission and is now suing the commission to find out what it’s doing, feeling he’s being left in the dark. (OUT OF THE SIDE OF YOUR MOUTH LIKE A SECRET): Little does he know there IS no Trump Voter Fraud Commission.

15. The Millinocket Marathon & Half were both held earlier today! I participated. But I could only do the Half.

16. This Day in History: In 2005, “Brokeback Mountain” was released in theaters. Little known fact: The original title of the film was “Not That There’s Anything Wrong With That” Mountain.

17. WWE Live at the Cross Insurance Arena in Portland tonight with their “holiday tour.” Watch, as Triple H takes a fully decorated Christmas tree with lights—and beats some guy to death.

18. Disney on Ice “Frozen” coming to Cross Insurance Arena in Portland this Wednesday. SING: “Do you really want to hear this song man?”

19. “Gotti” with John Travolta opened in theaters last night. “Gotti” is of course all about the enticing, magical world of Scientology.

20. “The Greatest Showman” the story of P.T. Barnum opens in theaters Wednesday night, starring Hugh Jackman, Zac Effron and Michelle Williams. But historians say that centuries from now, “The Greatest Showman” will refer to Donald Trump.

21. A guy went to a Waffle House in South Carolina and found the only employee there asleep. After waiting 10 minutes, he decided to hop behind the counter and make his own double Texas Bacon Cheese Steak Melt and chronical the activities on Facebook. He’s now the manager.

22. The Oak Ridge Boys are bringing their holiday tour to the Collins Center in Orono Tuesday night! But beware of catching or spreading the flu. Don’t attend if you have an (sing): “Elvirus” (ok kill me now)

23. The WWE Live at the Cross Insurance Arena is in Portland tonight with their “holiday tour”!!! Come watch, as Triple H beats a guy to death with a holiday fruit cake!

24. A guy went to a Waffle House in South Carolina and found the only employee there asleep. After waiting 10 minutes, he decided to hop behind the counter and make his own double Texas Bacon Cheese Steak Melt and chronical the activities on Facebook. He can now be seen on The Food Network in a new restaurant show called “Breakin’ & Enterin’!”

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200 band

all my shit yo

 

 

My Unused Monologue Jokes for The Nite Show

mono for blog

Hecklo, all! Here are two-shows-worth of unused monologue jokes I wrote for the latest two episodes of The Nite Show with Danny Cashman:

Air Date: Dec. 13 (Gov. Paul LePage)

– Gov. LePage on the show tonight, to gloat…

– Gov. LePage on the show tonight, once Chris Christie opened the Penobscot River Bridge.

– New Legislature began work last week – that’s the joke.

– Senate District 25 still in question – Democrat won by 32 votes, but during recount 21 new ballots were found, all for the republican, giving the republican the victory in the recount. Republican is currently the person sitting in the Senate, but it’s still being disputed. We’ve been asked tonight to ask you, our audience, an important question. Now, please look through your jacket pockets and any other pockets you have. Have you found any ballots? If you find a ballot, bring it up to the stage and give it to Joe.

– Sully Erna – lead singer of Godsmack – performed last night at The Gracie Theater – but only performed music from Sesame Street.

– Holiday parades were canceled last week in Bangor & Ellsworth due to weather. The Weather Channel now predicts that all holidays themselves will be cancelled this winter due to weather. Sorry, kids!

– Student at Mattanawcook Academy severed a finger on a table saw last month, so last week school officials replaced the table saw with a “safer” one: It has no “on” button.

– Bangor Daily News found a new location in Downtown Bangor, leaving their home for the last 60+ years. Word is, the Daily News work cubicles have been downsized to “sardine level.”

– Ogunquit Christmas by the Sea is this weekend. An award will be given out for the most lively “Wreath of Live Squid.”

– Winterfest at Sunday River this weekend, and, down by the river, there will be a Shrinkage Contest at the main tent.

– Rumford Festival of Trees was today. In this year’s big contest, Charlie Brown’s Christmas tree won.

– Southern Maine Christmas Parade in Wells is tomorrow, with a huge ending this year: The Parade Of A Thousand Mall Santas.

– Charles Manson is getting married to a 26-year-old. Asked why, he said he wanted to feel young again – all spry, full of hope, all “kill-y”…

– “Michael Buble’s Christmas in New York” airs Wednesday on NBC. Word is, he’s changing his name. You know, like how Snoop Dawg became Snoop Lion? Michael Buble is now known as “Mickey Bubbles.”

–  The 60th anniversary of Irving Berlin’s “White Christmas” opens in theaters in select cities tomorrow, inciting more race riots across America.

This Day in History: 

First music store in America opened in Philadelphia (1759); with a sale on Peavy amps and wah pedals.

The clip-on tie was designed (1928); its first slogan was “for the dork on the go.”

The Maine Turnpike opened to traffic (1947); bringing into Maine all those damn people from away.

James Dean began his career with an appearance in a Pepsi commercial (1950); but the following year got his trademark bad-boy pout with an appearance in a Moxie commercial.

VP Al Gore delivered his concession speech vs. George W. Bush (2000); the missing ballots were later found in Maine’s District 25.

Happy Birthday today to: Ted Nugent (66) and Taylor Swift (25)! Both are very different of course: One has long pretty hair and likes to go hunting for males, the other being Taylor Swift.

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Air Date: Dec. 20 (Miss Maine USA Heather Elwell / Holiday Performance)

–         Christmas is Thursday – Can you feel it?—the Good Santa, the Bad Santa, all the Santas…

–         Hanukah began Tuesday – despite a devastating explosion at the Dradle Plant in Flushing.

–         Craig Ferguson’s final “Late Late Show” aired last night on CBS. Craig has been cited skipping across many fields and streets in joy.

–         Collins Center for the Arts in Orono hosted “The Nutcracker” earlier today and will again tomorrow, but this isn’t the classic version. This version stars Mr. Peanut and his pal Filbert, who live in a fantasy land of nuts that need cracking.

–         “It’s a Wonderful Life” will air as usual on Christmas Eve on NBC at 8. – but this year all the music will be done by Metallica.

–         “Into the Woods” opens in theaters on Christmas Day, starring Maine’s own Anna Kendrick as Cinderella. – Ironic, since Anna Kendrick has never been in the Maine woods.

This Day in History:

Bob Hope became an American citizen (1920); even though Donald Trump still has yet to approve his birth certificate.

NBC Broadcast the Jets win over the Dolphins without audio (1980); Little Known Fact:  It was Larry the Cable Guy’s first job in TV.

Howard Cosell retired after 20 years with ABC (1985); and after 20,000 comedians did his impression.

Donald Trump married Marla Maples (1993). That was like 10 wives ago. In an interview with Barbara Walters, Maples stated that she was attracted to Trump’s hair more than his money.