Unused Monologue Jokes for 1/31/18 Taping

awesomenite

 Unused Monologue jokes for The Nite Show with Danny Cashman:

 

  1. Did anyone watch Trump’s State of the Union? However you feel about it, he did well in some aspects: He was able to keep his dentures firmly planted, and 2. his hair was especially full and golden. Word is, they got the guy who did Cher on board the makeup team.

 

  1. Did anyone watch Trump’s State of the Union? There were a few things he didn’t mention, like school shootings and Russia. But hey America, word is Putin gave the speech a big red thumbs up!

 

  1. Rumor is that John Kerry is going to run for President. The press is already hounding him, asking that if he’s running for office, why the long face?

 

  1. A Sacramento, California lawmaker is facing criticism for a bill that, if passed, would make it illegal for servers to offer plastic straws unless asked, punishable by up to 6 months in jail and a $1000 fine. And using a plastic stirrer for your coffee? Punishable by life.

 

  1. Elton John announced he’s retiring from touring after his next tour. Word is, his next big hit is coming out soon, and it’s called “Saturday Night’s Alright for Binging Dawson’s Creek.”

 

  1. Camden Winterfest is now through Tuesday with ice carvings, polar plunge and more! You know what I like to do at the annual Winterfest in Camden? I show up with snow cone syrup and go to town!

 

  1. Kitten Bowl starts at noon on Hallmark, and TLC has the Puppy Bowl, and over on E! is the Spoiled Rich Girl Purse-Dog Bowl.

 

  1. Truck Day for the Red Sox is Monday – the day after the Super Bowl. That’s the day when the truck full of Red Sox gear travels from Fenway Park to the Spring Training home of the Sox in Florida. But luckily it’ll be a much lighter load this year, without all of Pablo Sandoval’s sports-girdles. (Sports-spanks.)

 

  1. The Grammy’s were last weekend, on CBS. And once again at the Grammy’s, all Nanas were snubbed.

 

  1. Bangor Region Chamber of Commerce handed out annual awards last week. The most important was the Award For Best Pizza-Ordering.

 

  1. Bangor Region Chamber of Commerce handed out annual awards last week. The most important was the Award For The Most-Ignored Business!

 

  1. Bangor Region Chamber of Commerce handed out annual awards last week. The most important was the Award For Sexiest Zoning Ordinance.

 

  1. Vice President Joe Biden was in Portland Wednesday night at the Merrill Auditorium. A surprise of the night came when a laser light show began and Biden performed Eminem‘s latest album “Revival” in full.

 

  1. “Maine Examiner” website – posted as News website although without attribution regarding story authors, funders, or sources for stories. State Republican Party director Jason Savage’s name has been associated with a number of things on the website, although the party denies involvement. Vladimir Putin has been called to Maine to settle the dispute.

 

  1. Mid-Maine Chamber of commerce is hosting a business breakfast seminar on Thursday morning focusing on “Why Your Employees are Just Not Into You, and What to Do About It.” Hosting the seminar? Donald Trump.

 

  1. So… the former Jackman Town Manager has white separatist views and is mad at the media for exposing it. He’s also mad at the media for exposing that he’s fat and bald.

 

  1. “Calling All Cabernets” wine tasting was last night in Bar Harbor. Chardonnay drinkers picketed outside.

 

  1. Camden Winterfest is now through Tuesday with ice carvings, polar plunge and more! And for those men taking the polar plunge, there will be a special Shrinkage Contest at the Main Tent.

 

me winslow

old set – me yelling at Gov. Paul LePage

 

 

Advertisements

Published by

David Forbes Brown

I live on the largest of the 4500 islands off the coast of Maine. I write comedy for Maine's only late night talk show (The Nite Show with Danny Cashman), Maine-based novels, music (rock to orchestral) in my humble studio by the sea, a weekly sports column for MyBriefs, and a Red Sox Report for every Sox game of the season.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s